memorial day weekend

Happy Memorial Day and thank you to all of the veterans and serving members of the armed forces. Today is a day for us to give you the respect you deserve, and to remind us that we must be thankful for you and your service each and every day. Again, thank you!

As for me, it was a long weekend away from the stresses of work. I must admit, I was actually able to relax for a change this weekend. This is a rare occurrence for me. I was able to work in the yard, planting even more flowers, and added yet another flower bed. I'm insane with an unyielding desire to tear up more ground and plant MORE! always MORE plants! Due to that unrelenting motivation to wield a shovel, trowel, hoe, etc. the yard work budget has already been busted for June, even though it is still officially May. This means I'll have to work with what I've got as we move forward through the summer.

As for summer - oh my god, I love it. I broke out the short shorts and it was a marvelous weather weekend. I cannot explain how much I love summer. I want to tongue kiss it every time I wake up to the balmy, hot weather. The man appreciates the fact that I wear fewer clothes when the weather warms up, so it is a win-win on that front.

One of the highlights of the weekend is the amount of time the man and I were able to spend together. Not too much, but just enough. I spent a good deal of our time together here:

This is one of the holes at one of the local disc golf courses. The man bought me a couple of my own discs and we hit the course on Friday and today. My game is only slightly improving, but I love being outside so even though I suck at disc golf right now, it is still fun.

I'm making an effort to take more photos to share with you all, because I know that words alone are not very entertaining and for fuck sake, if you are going to click over to my site, you must be in desperate need of entertaining...I kid. Anyway, I've also hit up some garage sales, which yielded some exciting finds. I'll be sharing those and a few of my Craigslist purchases with you in the coming weeks.

something occupying my brain...often

You may be wondering what I’ve been doing to pass the time lately. The first answer is work. The second answer is continued work on my thesis. The third answer is that I am officially obsessed.

I cannot say that I have ever really had a full-fledged obsession before, now that I actually think about it. I have really liked and or wanted things before, but never have I felt some sort of compulsion toward action that has been a daily consideration. Now, however, I have one (as you will see by what promises to be an extremely long post).

I am obsessed with the thought of adopting a retired greyhound. Not necessarily a widespread obsession, I realize. However, since visiting Dubuque with the man’s family and seeing the racetrack at the casino where we had lunch, I can’t seem to get the idea out of my mind.

It isn’t that I necessarily am disgusted by the concept of dog racing. I understand that it is a sport that doesn’t intend for dogs to be mistreated or harmed. These dogs are bred to run, built to run, love to run. However, they are sprinters and only run in very short bursts and then often spend the rest of their time in crates. After they’ve reached their retirement age or are no longer able to run up to the demands of their “profession,” they are either sent to an adoption center or sometimes euthanized.

The part of the racing industry that I despise is the treatment of these dogs as commodities. They are not “pets.” They are professional athletes, but without all the bling and casual sex. They are trained to race and not given attention that would interfere with that training. When they are washed up, they don’t retire and buy a few car dealerships or restaurant franchises like many professional athletes do, they are left homeless and without purpose. Agencies have been around for decades that seek to find these retired racers new homes where they can live out their retirement with a “family.” In my research of greyhounds and greyhound racing, I’ve been in contact with an area chapter of the GPA (Greyhound Pets of America) and have had the opportunity to speak with foster “parents” and “parents” of some of these dogs, and have even met a couple of these retired dogs (shout out to Pirate Pete and Queenie).

These interactions with the GPA and the dogs have further cemented in my mind that this type of dog would be good for us, and we would also be benefiting a cause and helping an animal that needs us. If you have read about our cats and how we came to “find” them (or how they came to find us, rather), you know that we are suckers for animals that need homes.

I don't just want another dog because of a desire to help animals. I have a feeling that something positive can come out of us adding to the family. Jammer is fully the man's dog. I have the cats, but they could ultimately take or leave us and let's face it, they're cats and can't be companions outside the house. I want a dog that is my dog, that will bond with me and that I'll be able to take on walks. (Note: Jammer hates going on walks where a leash is required, and thus our "walks" take place around the yard.) That is a selfish reason, but I don't care. Unselfishly, I do think that the addition of another dog to the household would be helpful in treating Jammer’s separation anxiety while we are at work (even though I have reservations about how she'll react).

We've talked about different breeds of dogs for a couple years and what type of dog we'd like. After mulling over options, we had decided to go with a rescue dog or a dog from the shelter. Personally, I’ve always had an affinity toward hounds. I grew up with a bluetick hound (Chance) and a redbone hound (Hondo) and have been in love with all types of hounds for years. Unfortunately, there are many reasons why a number of the hunting breeds would not work for me or my lifestyle. I thought the greyhound would be another breed of dog to add to that category until I conducted more research. The breed is not hyperactive and is often referred to as the 40 mile per hour couch potato. This means that while the dogs are super-fast, they prefer to lounge and can sleep up to 18 hours per day. They shed very little and can be left alone while their people are at work without problem. Many of them have no problem with cats and/or other dogs. They love to go on leashed walks (and have already been leash-trained during their racing days). All in all, this is a breed that would definitely work with our lifestyle.

The man hasn’t come with me to visit the dogs or to speak with the agency. This is not because he doesn’t support the idea of adoption, but rather he knows that he would fall in love with the idea and that we are not yet prepared to take the next step (applying for adoption). I, too, understand that we aren’t ready for this and that it may be quite some time before we can take that next step.

One of my major concerns (that no amount of research can put to rest) is that Jammer (our Australian Shepherd) would be the reason why we could not bring another dog into the family. She is going on 9 years old and is not a fan of us bringing other dogs into the house, even for a visit. She enjoys the company of other dogs outside of our home, but is quite territorial about dogs invading what she considers to be her space. With her aggressive behavior toward other dogs in those situations, I’m not sure a home visit (which is a required phase of the adoption process) would be successful. It may end up that we can help to mellow Jammer out via spaying, but if that doesn’t work we may have to wait until she’s no longer with us to adopt a greyhound. This could be between 3 and 8 years, given the life expectancy of Australian Shepherds. (It saddens me to even think about not having her around and even to type the words 'life expectancy.')

To make this long post even longer, I’m not sure that this is going to be a short-term goal, but I’m doing everything I can to make sure that it is a possibility.

The best-case scenario would play out as follows: I’ve become very solid in my belief that the roommate will be moving out next summer. If this were to occur, we would have more space in the house and could ultimately have enough room to have an additional dog. In addition, we wouldn’t have to worry about him being a dickbag about a new pet. Secondly, if Jammer calms down after we get her spayed, the concern about her reaction would be alleviated. Given the first two things happening according to plan, we would make a few modifications around the house (like the addition of a fenced in area of the yard) and then begin the adoption process.

I’ve not come into this obsession in a fly-by-night fashion. I’ve been reading books and doing research on the greyhound breed and have read about what to expect from adopting a retired racing greyhound. Two more books on this subject are on reserve at the library and I plan to read them over the weekend. I’ve spoken with other people who've adopted greyhounds about the good, bad, and ugly parts of adopting. I’ve mulled this over for over 4 months and have still come to the conclusion that this is a good step for us.

In what has seemed like a dismal and depressing few months in terms of my career and an overall feeling of fatigue in regard to my social life, this interest in greyhounds has kind of pulled me out of my funk and has given me something to look forward to. I am not holding my breath, but I am keeping my fingers crossed.

another anniversary

The man surprised me with an anniversary gift last night. Both the gift and the anniversary were a surprise. We don't have an actual anniversary date, but whenever we feel the need or want to do something out-of-the-ordinary, we use our anniversary as the reason. This way we can have multiple, spontaneous anniversaries throughout the year and there is no real date to remember or forget.

Last night I came home from work (late, for the upteenth time in a row) to find this beauty waiting for me in my garage space:

It is a convertible garden cart that can be pulled with the handle like a wagon, or can be converted to be pulled behind the lawnmower. It is wonderful and glorious and one of the best (if not the best) anniversary gifts I've ever gotten. No, it isn't conventional, but we are not conventional people.

The man's friend went along with him to get a present for me. His friend asked where, and was more than a little surprised to hear "Farm and Fleet" as the response to the question. This friend went so far as to try to convince the man to buy something different, something that I might actually like. The man knows me well enough to know that at this point in our financial lives, a usable gift is much more appreciated than something unimportant (like jewelry, for example). I spend at least ten hours a weekend outside puttering around the yard, so this is a most thoughtful gift. This cart is going to be much more Trish-friendly than my current wheelbarrow.

The timing is sort of funny, because although we had talked about getting Cricket wireless internet a while back, it hasn't entered conversation in quite some time. I was planning on it being an anniversary surprise for the man, but he got me first.

I love my gift and I love my boyfriend. I can't wait for the next anniversary.

i heart progress

What have I been doing? Not posting, obviously. AND I actually have a fabulous reason. Progress, people, I've been making progress.

1. I've (finally) painted the office. I chose this color: I am very happy with how the office turned out.
   
   
   I am still trying to get things arranged the way I want, but it is already a space much more conducive to working. The man has agreed that this color would be a good for the walls in the kitchen. Now we just have to wait for the roommate to move out so that we can get started. Added bonus: there is enough leftover paint that we wouldn't have to buy more to finish the kitchen.


2. I've created and committed to an exercise/workout schedule. I've also purchased a physical therapist approved recumbent bike to aid in my therapy. Since starting in January, I've even upped my free weights from 3 lbs. to 5 lbs. In terms of tangible progress, I have lost two pounds since I began working out on January 18 and my clothes are beginning to fit better again. . I'm happy with this progress, since I'm not working out to lose weight, but rather to build muscle and strengthen my core (as a part of my physical therapy). In other words, I'm doing all of the working out, which I hate, because I hate this even more.


3. I've taken on a side project to earn extra income. Also, an opportunity has arisen within my current employment that may allow me to increase my income (fingers crossed). . I have finished the first leg of the side project and I just have to do a few more hours to have the full project completed. The nice thing about taking on this project, in addition to a few extra dollars coming in, is that it has also helped me to schedule weekly library time. I think this will be a good habit, as it will only aid me in completing both this side project and my thesis.


4. Back to the home progress. The man and I have created a much cozier space completely separate from the roommate's area. We've been able to confine the cats to this area and no longer have to worry about the roommate meddling in our conversations or in our space..
   I helped a friend remove wallpaper from her very large bathroom. Wallpaper that was adhered directly to the drywall by the previous owners. Previous owners who were idiots..


5. I've completed and filed my taxes and am happy to report that I got a larger refund than last year. Two-thirds of the money has already gone into paying off my credit card debt, while the other third has been put into my emergency savings (already withdrew a portion of it to get a new tire).
   It has been wonderful to see my credit card debt decrease over the past months. Now that I have rolled all of my credit card debt onto one low-interest card, the progress is much more visible each month. I'm happy to report that I'm right on schedule with this financial goal.


6. I've already cut back on the nagging and interrupting in my relationships. This was a lot harder than I thought it would be.


7. I've been more conscious of the attitude I have at work. Some things have made me consciously pissed off at work, but at least I knew I was being a grumple as a result of those issues and not just because I'm a pessimistic negative Nancy.


8. I've sorted through my belongings and have given quite a few things to friends, family, and charity, while tossing other things that are of no use to anyone anymore.


9. I've realized that lists do not have to come in multiples of 10.


10. I've developed a better system for managing mail and bills.


11. I've finished another major household project. The man and I built a wooden surround for the cat litter box. It will allow the cats to have more privacy while keeping the dog from trying to eat cat shit. Double bonus.

And that, my friends, is what I've been doing for the main part of January and February. I'm tired, but I'm committed to keeping up with these goals so that I can check a shitload of things of my 2009 project list. I'll keep you posted, perhaps I should add that as one of my goals.

absence makes the heart go fonder: las vegas volume 1

I must say that Las Vegas was an experience. The views (at night, when you couldn't see how filthy everything was) were truly spectacular.

Here is our view:You can see the water show at the Bellagio in this shot. You can also see the Eiffel Tower and a few other Vegas landmarks in this photo. The man deserves complete credit for this photo. He spent quite a bit of time at the window to get this shot while I was asleep. Slow aperture speeds make timing the pic with the water much more difficult and I doubt I would have had the patience. Given that my camera is closer to the point-and-shoot variety than the man is used to, I am happy with the photo.

I can't say that I miss being in Las Vegas. But I do miss being on vacation and actually having some quiet quality time with the man. Having tasted a bit of freedom, so to speak, has made dealing with the roommate and the constant barrage of phone calls much harder to deal with now that we have settled back into normal mode.

If only we had won big in our gambling endeavors...maybe I would've spent my week at home throwing all of the roommate's belongings into the yard and prank calling all the people unlucky enough to have to work for a living. But alas, I am still encumbered by a large workload and an even larger fatbody of a roommate whose lot in life is to occupy the sofa until we can afford to kick his ass out.

things i did in vegas, which did not include getting married

In no particular order:

1. rode on the X-Scream thrill ride. LOVED it! The man was less happy about the whole thing, but I giggled the whole time. I would have loved to go on the ride a few more times.


2. laid out by the pool in the beautiful 80-degree weather...note: not all half-naked people should be half-naked. Contrary to popular belief, there are not that many attractive people in Las Vegas.


3. watched CSI (Las Vegas) in Las Vegas. note: I am a dork.


4. saw numerous hookers...er...escorts.


5. went to Hart and Huntington's tattoo shop at the Palms. Bought a souvenir t-shirt. Did not see Cary Hart (unfortunately).


6. gambled. Lost money. Gambled again. Lost more money.


7. ate some crappy food. note: stay away from Toby Keith's restaurant. Food was awful.


8. ate some good food.


9. shook Elvis' hand. note: I know it wasn't really Elvis.


10. went to the Jimmy Buffett street party and concert. Drank about 7 loaded Landsharks. Wore a hat (made of balloons) shaped like a parrot. If you look closely, you will see that it is a boy parrot.
    
11. people-watched from our upgraded, 18th-floor room. There was a tv in the bathroom mirror, which was pretty cool.
    
12. walked. Window-shopped. Walked some more. Drank. Walked.


13. learned a lot more about the man's family. Now I better understand the good things and the not-so-good things about him.


14. nearly passed out from having walked so damned much.


15. called a few people, pretending to be on our "honeymoon." Laughed a lot.


16. rode in a taxi that almost got into an accident. Learned some profanity in a language I didn't recognize.


17. watched the Bellagio water show. Pretended that I was in Ocean's 11 or 13 - I didn't like 12.


18. saw Pete Rose. In Vegas. Will that man never learn?


19. wore my beautiful new shoes. (I will post a picture next week.)
    
20. realized that the man and I can go on vacation and not get sick of one another. Bonus.

i love it when you call me big poppa

This week has been interesting in terms of children and the man. We attended a familial baptism party on Sunday for the man's cousin's spawn (yes, that was hard to follow). There was an abundance of children running around: not our idea of a fun time. The cousin's 3-year old kid, when asked if he knew the man's name, quickly called him"Daddy!" I was out of the room, but I guess it was quite humorous. At least for everyone other than the man. Then the kid realized it wasn't his dad and called the man by his name. Still, weird situation.

It is also evident that the man's father wants to be a grandfather. As the man's half-brother will not be impregnating anyone until they develop an XBox with a sex hole, the burden lies solely on us. Me and the man. Procreation. Needless to say, this is not going to be happening. I like my sex to be recreational. Anyway...the man's father keeps asking us when we are going to fill the house with kids and get rid of the roommate. Again, not going to happen. The roommate behaves like a child and that is about all we can bear. This event once again epitomizes the reasons why I don't enjoy the man's family gatherings.

As for awkward situations with family members, here's another: On my last visit to my parents, I was cornered by my dad and questioned in regard to "my future." Questions flew in regard to when the man would ask me to marry him, why he hasn't asked me yet, and how my dad can't die until I'm "settled." Keep in mind that my father is 54 years old and is in near-perfect health. I told him that if he plans on dying after I get married, I won't get married for another 35 years. Also, I reminded him that he raised me to be independent and not to need a man to support me...I guess that all backfired now that he wants more grandkids and a married daughter.

Did I mention that we are going to visit my parents and attend a family reunion for the 4th of July? Well, we are...with the side of the family who believes in marriage before sex. And despite me not knowing half of them, these distant relatives all seem to feel comfortable asking me when I'll get hitched. I think I'm going to laminate a sign and stick it to my back reading as follows:

1. My name is Trish.
2. The uncomfortable-looking guy standing next to me is my boyfriend.
3. Yes, he's quite a bit older than I am.
4. We live in sin.
5. We like it.
6. We don't know if we'll get married.
7. We don't want kids. Even though I know we have the potential to make beautiful children.
8. Note: If you talk about your kids, I'll talk about my cat and dog as if they are as important as your children.
9. I graduated from college a couple years ago. I'm not done with my master's thesis yet.
10. I have a job. I only like it sometimes.
11. My boyfriend has a job, which he likes most of the time.
12. Did you notice that my brother is here and he has two kids whom I'm sure he would love to talk about? Yes, you should go look for him.

I'm thinking the items above will cover all the normal questions that nosy family members like to ask. And, as an added bonus, I'm directing people to harass my brother, who has had the fortune of living out of the state and missing the last five family reunions. He must be punished.

It'll be nice to be home for a couple days and to see my brother and his family. I hope the man and I live through it.

out and about

I made note of a number of things that had made a particular weekend both pleasant and not-so-fun. Here are some photos to further elaborate on the wonders of the world outside my house.

I noted that the man bought me flowers. Since their relocation, they have been thriving, as you can see below:

These are just a couple of the flowers I planted. If you look closely at the photo, you can see a dandelion seed has found its way into the shot. The dandelions are the man's own personal hell. He is now talking about buying special lawnmower attachments to destroy said dandelions. Here is one of the evil doers:

I'm not a fan of just throwing money into the yard like that. As long as it is green, it's a yard. We don't have neighbors on our "dead end" road. From the road, it looks like lush grass and you don't even notice the dandelions. But the man notices them. And he has vowed to kill them. I think I'm going to have to bet against him on this one. Also, I see that I may be hypocritical, spending money on flowers, but flowers are different and and should be considered investments into my happiness. Just don't give me a bouquet, I'd prefer them alive and potted.

The last thing I mentioned in my list was that a hot air balloon made its way over our yard and nearly touched down in the field behind the house. Here's my proof:

After about a minute of trying really hard to hold her shit together, the dog was convinced that the world was coming to an end and sat shivering in the garage until I made a mad dash with her into the house, away from whatever the fuck she thought was falling from the sky to destroy us all. At least I got some good photos to commemorate the event.

single again

Over the weekend something has come between me and the man. It takes up a large percentage of his free time, leaving me with a lot more alone time. It is almost like being single again. That thing is the xBox 360 that came home with the man last Friday.

The arrival of the xBox has pushed for a speedier arrival of another object to take up the man's time...a 42 inch flat-screen television. Because the 40 inch TV in the living room that belongs to the roommate isn't good enough. We need one in our living room upstairs so that we can play games without interruption. Not to mention that I have a perfectly good 32 inch TV in my living room upstairs that has cable hookup allowing me to avoid those playing video games elsewhere in the house. I'm not so sure that this will be a good thing, this marriage of spaces and entertainment.

Hopefully we won't be getting the bigger TV until much later in the spring...or maybe next year. I guess it all depends when Uncle Sam sends out the economic stimulus checks. It is important to note that mine will go toward debt, not a new TV.

when

I have now realized that marriage is likely an imminent event for me. Perhaps it is wrong to use a negatively connotated word like imminent, but that is how I feel - like I have something hanging over my head, and when I least expect it I will be crushed under its weight.

The man and I have settled quite comfortably into our semi-monthly spewing and regurgitation of love words. Not too much, not too little. We talk about the future as though we will always be together, but without any talk of committment in legal sense. Lately, however, I have been getting the feeling that the man is more open to the idea of matrimony. Why, you ask? Because of the pool of cess called Country Music Television. While eating dinner, we were forced to watch the crap that the roommate had chosen to watch (because the dining room and living room are one big room and we have a 40 inch TV). And so it came to be that we were introduced to the horror that is "My Redneck Wedding."

The bride rode in on a tractor. The ENTIRE wedding party wore camouflage. Not just a little camouflage, entire suits made of camouflage. They used taxidermy animals as decorations for their wedding - that they purposely brought to the reception - and served beans as the main course. I'm not one for pomp, but come on...if you are going to go through the trouble of wearing a suit, wear a fucking suit and not a camouflage jumper with a blaze orange hat. The groom gave the bride a pink rifle as a gift.

I thought this was horrible. The man thought it was amusing. He kept making comments like "I'm sure you'll kill me if I do that when we get married," and "You'd better be taking notes, because that that might be a good idea." And then there was the grinning...so much grinning. I am assuming that the grinning was in response to the look of horror on my face as I watched the trainwreck unfolding on the screen.

I am not jumping to conclusions and I fully realize that he may have just been acting stupid, but speaking of matrimony in this way is definitely odd. When I met the man he was the so adverse to marriage that it almost put me off. I would almost go so far as to say that he is bitter in regard to it. Personally, as I have mentioned before, I am not opposed to the option of marriage but I am not ready for it yet. I'd be better off with a very long engagement (think decades) so that I could ease into the marriage thing.

Am I over-analyzing? Perhaps. I won't lose any sleep in anticipation of a proposal, that's for sure. I am in no danger of this event approaching with any speed. It is the mere twinkle that it might be in the future that has triggered a disturbance in my happy little bubble of stability and comfort.

And to think, all this contemplation over a show where the final scene concludes with the groom asking the bride "Are you excited to go back to the hotel so we can constipate the marriage?"

eyes and teeth and lovejuice

I had an optometry appointment today. It was a follow-up to make sure that my eyes are not being destroyed from the inside because I've switched to a new brand of contact lenses. News was good - my eyes are not being destroyed. I have, however, been given a sample of a contact lens solution that WILL EAT MY EYES if I don't use it properly. I do not like the idea of this, but will try it nonetheless. I am confident in my ability to follow instructions, so I am hoping that the BURNING OF MY RETINAS will be foregone.

In other news, I will be having my bi-annual dental exam today. Yippee. This means panoramic x-rays of my chompers. I am hoping that the x-ray machine accidentally shoots its magic into my ovaries and takes out any chance of offspring. I am hoping this because I once again broached the topic of vasectomy with the man last night. I've been telling him that it is a simple, nearly painless, outpatient procedure and that he should just man up and do it. It would ultimately save us hundreds of dollars each year (condoms, birth control prescription). Yet, he claims that he doesn't want anyone going near his testicles with any sharp objects. I reminded him that I have a sharp mind and that he should have the surgery if he would like my head going anywhere near his man-package in the future. He did not concur.

NOTE: Sperm is made of broken futures, not candy and rainbows as some people believe.

projects, goals, accomplishments, and lazy fatbodies

I am alive. I survived holiday season 2007. I made out like a bandit in regard to Christmas gifts and feel rich in the splendor. I'm still trying to get my shit together in terms of having been gone from work for over a week, which is why I haven't posted. I had a fabulous break, though fraught with inclement weather and much angst about the imminent return to work.


Over break I accomplished a number of things. I bought and framed some vintage geometric/mod fabric to go over the bed. The fabric is fabulous in and of itself because it is vintage and has orange in it:




In other news, I was able to visit my parents in the "northwoods" for day at Christmas. We had to leave early because of weather, but it was still a nice visit. My brother and his family were there. The kid is pretty cool, but did not conjure up any maternal instinct in me whatsoever. Both I and the man were happy about that.

As for New Year's resolutions, I don't really do that. I have goals for the year, but they are more or less just a guideline. I would like to:

1. finish my thesis and get my degree conferred
2. pay off my credit card debt (or at least get close)
3. pay off one student loan (likely the smallest one)
4. find a second job that I enjoy and that doesn't completely drain me (would not begin until #1 is completed and will aid in both #2 and #3)
5. get one step closer to financial stability that would allow us to kick the lazy-sack-of-shit, worthless, fatbody roommate out of the house and still be able to feed ourselves and the pets (without all of us having to resort to eating canned cat food)
6. take a class or attend some sort of fun learning experience/activity
7. participate in more charitable causes (e.g. I did the Race for the Cure last year and would like to do something like that and more)
8. become healthier and less dependent on physical therapy
9. continually remind myself that I need to keep working in this job so that I can gain enough experience to get a job that is more fulfilling (both mentally and financially)
10. use more locally-grown produce and locally-produced items

The man and I spent a quiet evening at home for New Year's. It was one of the two nights over break that we actually had the house to ourselves. The dickbag roommate has been more homebound than ever and is reverting to his slovenly ways. Thus, my tolerance for him is waning and if it weren't a financial necessity for his existency, the man and I would've thrown the vile crap he calls his belongings on the front yard months ago.

All in all, I'm optimistic about 2008. Happy New Year!

love is...

I've decided that being in love is like being drunk: you act stupidly, you are blind to your flaws and the flaws of your "other," you say things you wouldn't normally say, do things you wouldn't normally do, think you are invincible... All until "BANG!" you get your heart broken and the hangover you get from love is much worse than the worst whiskey-drunk hangover. You can't take two ibuprofen and drink a gallon of water to get over heart-sickness. It doesn't last a day and then magically disappear. No doctor can shove an IV in your arm and take away the symptoms. You are pretty much fucked.

The man and I (after 3+ years of togetherness) finally hit the "love" stage and I am not dealing with it very well. I am not a very emotionally expressive person, it wasn't the way I was raised. I think I was better not knowing and just assuming that the emotion was there and that was enough. Until...alas...I got drunk and decided that the man (in the event of one of our deaths) should know how I "feel." I was drunk, invincible, said things I wouldn't normally say, did things I wouldn't normally do...and as a result I am stuck with being in the "love" zone indefinitely.

Luckily, neither the man nor I verbalize our feelings very often (hence the 3+ years before the "L bomb" was dropped) so I don't need to worry about things being said with any kind of frequency. Unfortunately, this also means that I am rarely prepared for the outburst of emotion. The first time the man said "it," he was met with silence because I was caught off guard and didn't know what to say. Eventually, I figured out the desired response and was able to reiterate what he had said. Still, like being drunk, I am not very good at being "in love." I think my love-o-meter is busted.

survival update: thanksgiving 2007

Well, we made it through the holiday. I feel better equipped to write about the event now that it is one week in the past. If I had written about it earlier, I may have been misleadingly negative due to the strain of clearing the chaos of visitors from the house. It is always interesting for me to see how much the man and his mother are alike. I have only met her a few times, since they now live in Oklahoma and don't make it back to WI but a few times per year. I find it particularly amusing when she claims to not know where the man got some of his personality attributes, such as his stubbornness and temper, when I have personally seen her exhibit these same traits.

Overall, the holiday was okay. It was more work that was promised, but it went well. So well, in fact, that the "family" plans on coming to our house every Thanksgiving. I, however, will not tie myself down to that promise. It seems as though the man's family often forgets that I have a family of my own whom I would like to spend holidays with. This annoys me. I have already mentioned that I would likely be going home next year and not to anticipate my assistance in the planning and execution of the event. It would be nice if the man were able to come home with me, but since his folks will be visiting each Thanksgiving, I wouldn't want him to miss out on spending time with them.

As always, there was turmoil amidst the festivities and their visit was bittersweet for the man. I found the whole event to be stressful and it made me miss my family and their traditions even more. Traditions where things are fun, not tedious and the food is prepared the way I like it - with lots of butter and gravy and sarcastic comments about the way you are making things with tons of butter and gravy.

In other news, my body is completely fucking up. My heart is experiencing severe bouts of abnormal heart rate exceeding 120 beats per minute. I go see a cardiologist soon and will probably have to wear an event monitor and have a battery of tests. My mother swears that I wasn't microwaved as a baby and that no drugs were involved in my conception or incubation stages, which I believe because my mother has never smoked so much as a cigarette. I am hoping that they find something easily treatable like a hyperactive thyroid and that it isn't a complication due to my heart murmur. Only time will tell and I'll keep you posted.

As for now, I'm on vacation (though going to the doctor twice in less than 24 hours isn't much of a vacation) and am working on my thesis. So far I've been making steady progress. I'll write more about it later.

happy halloween

Today we are having a Halloween potluck at work. I must say that my costume is the best I've ever come up with. I'm Tippi Hedron from Hitchcock's The Birds, complete with blond wig, '60s dress, and crow attacking my head. Yes, there is also blood and torn nylons. I may have to post a photo. Unfortunately, I am the only one in costume thus far. I do know a coworker will be partaking in the delights of costume-wearing, but she won't be in until 10 am. Oh well.

Also, it was the man's birthday yesterday, which went very well with the exception that we had dinner with two sets of his grandparents two nights in a row. Oh, and one of them brought up marriage. And the man didn't seem too opposed to the possibility, which caused a near panic attack on my end because we have never discussed it. I guess it might come to that at some point, but I've never really considered "our" life ending up there. I'm not anti-marriage when it comes to the man, but in front of his 86-year-old grandmother is not the appropriate time to have that first discussion. We are going to see Jimmy Buffett in Vegas next October, I'll make sure I build my tolerance up by then or I may come home with more than a hangover.

quicksand

The man is extremely stressed out these days, which is only remotely good because it allows me to get perspective on my own stress. In comparison, my stresses aren't as bad as his and thus, I am reminded to count my blessings.

I'm not going to go into details, but lately there seems to be a tidal wave of negative outcomes pouring down on the man. Family issues, business issues, career issues, transportation issues, all have reared their ugly heads this week. He was full of optimism not even one week ago, but in the matter of three days he has been sucked into the quicksand of doubt and negativity. Like quicksand, adding more negative happenings to a person can suck them further and further into the expectation of future bad occurrences.

I am trying to remain positive, despite my own propensity to be cynical. Luckily, I do not doubt the man and his abilities so it is easy for me to give him a pep talk every now and again. Mainly, I'm trying to listen so that he is able to purge some of the weight that is dragging him down. Today is a new day and I hope that I go home to find that he has risen a bit out of the frustration. It is very difficult to be cheery when someone around you is angst-ridden.

spreading the love

I have a two inch by one inch poison ivy wound healing on my ankle. I found it while I was in the shower about two weeks ago. I just assumed that I had somehow unknowingly come across it. Upon further reflection, I realized that I have not been anywhere to get said poison ivy allergic reaction: no forests, no ditches, no long grass or wooded areas of any kind. Where, one might ask, did I pick up poison ivy? I was perplexed. One morning the man looked at my unsheathed ankle (free of it's binds after the irritation cleared up) and said "ow, what happened there?". I explained and all of a sudden he looked quite sheepish. The man had a hunch at how I procured said irritation because he, the man, had brought it home to me.

The man is one of the rare superhumans who is not allergic to things people normally have reactions to, like poison ivy and mosquito bites. The man and some of his buddies went to play paintball (you guessed it) two weeks ago. There are weeds and grass and poison ivy and trees there. He brought home the horrible itchiness of the poison ivy and somehow managed to strategically place it on the inside of my ankle. A place where a lovely kitten-heeled shoe can wreak havoc on the sensitive skin covered with a small section of rashy, horrible, irritating poison ivy outbreak.

As it was already nearly gone, I couldn't be super-pissed at him anymore. He just grinned and said that as long as the worst thing he ever brings home to me is poison ivy irritation, I should be happy. Some men bring home herpes.

new opportunities

The man and I were actually able to spend some time together this weekend as this was his first weekend off from work since June (if not earlier). We had a great weekend and were able to accomplish a lot of small projects that we had been putting off. Also, we took some time to do nothing but enjoy one another's company, which was a welcome change from the perfunctory ways we spend time together, such as going to the hardware store or eating dinner.

Some new opportunities have revealed themselves in terms of the man's career. As a result of some savvy purchases and networking over the course of the past month, he has been able to make significant headway toward opening his own business. This project has been "in the works" for quite some time, but now the focus has shifted, allowing for a much more timely opening date and a more manageable workload.

I'm quite happy for him and I know that he will be much more content with life in general when he is back doing work that he enjoys. The selfish side of me sees how much time and energy must be put out in opening a new business and anticipates negative consequences (namely, less time for me). I'm going to have to try to be as supportive as possible because I know how much the business means to him. I do know, from experience, that there will be some rough patches ahead. This (the new business and the effects on our relationship) won't be easy.

In other news, I will be an aunt to a second tiny human as my brother and his wife are expecting their second child in May.

mood swings 3: D-Fence!

Well, I brought up the pending issue of "friend time" with the man. All attempts to couch the discussion failed. I asked him to hear me out before going on his guard, but of course, he was defensive from the get go. There were many words put into my mouth and I didn't get around to saying what I wanted to say until approximately three hours after the fight started. There was an interim where I was confused as to what the hell was going on and I had actually begun to think that I had overreacted.

Finally, I remembered and was able to say "I intended just to ask that your friends, who have a lot of free time in comparison to us, would be more understanding of the limited time we actually do have when we can be together. My hope is that they will think before calling and inviting themselves over after having spent the last five days at our house." This statement led to the man's apology for overreacting and not letting me speak my piece before he took things out of context.

In other news: I went to bed at 11PM feeling fine, but woke up at 2:30AM barely able to breathe through my swollen sore throat and due to my burning, congested sinus cavities. It looks like along with an apology, the man has given me a raging early autumn cold. Yay.

mood swings 2

I spoke to the man on my lunch break. Things appear as though they may be better this week in terms of unwanted guests. One can only hope.

His mood was much improved over this morning and I think there may be an opening for an only slightly unpleasant discussion concerning "friend time" this evening. Maybe I'm just annoyed because of the weather. It is cold and rainy, reminding me that summer is over every time I look out the window. It is not a pleasant reminder.