access

I'm online at home right now. Barely. If you can call slow-ass dial-up being online. I've likely mentioned my issues with internet access from home before. Dial-up is our only option because we are the only house on our road and thus are too far from a "hub." Every neighbor we have, every house we can see from our house, they all have high-speed internet. We don't. We are in the stone age of internet connectivity. Our only option other than dial-up is satellite - and even with that the man would be unable to play video games online because of the the 1-2 second lag time. With that being the case, it is hardly justifiable to pay $100 for internet access that doesn't allow us to do what we want. So, instead I have decided to give up and pay $20 per month to wait for pages to load and downloads never to come through.

If I didn't love where we live, the near-privacy, the similarities to where I grew up, this would never work. I am not always at the forefront of technical gadgetry, but I could definitely use something better than 28.8 Kbps. Alas, at least if need be I can now work from home. Argh.

letter to winter 2

Dear Winter,

You are a motherfucking bastard. I write you a little bit of hatemail and you respond by slapping me in the face with your testicles to the tune of over 14 inches of snow, just to show me that you are all-powerful and to humble me while I pick pubes off my cheek. You are an evil, evil season. I was trying to be nice in my last letter, admitting to the grandeur and beauty of your snow...that is over. All that got me was a snowstorm larger than the area has seen since 1990. That is nearly twenty years. You sure are one hateful dickbag.

Insincerely,
Trish T.

first time in a long time

I finished a major project at work today. My project. A project that is utterly and completely of my own design and doing. It has been in progress for the past six months (including time when I was awaiting approvals, etc.). I can't even describe how good it felt to send it out and actually receive heaps of praise. This is a rarity in my job, where most of my time is spent waiting for the "powers that be" to approve things via processes that can take over a year. For the first time in what feels like ages, I will leave work feeling like a success rather than a failure.

when

I have now realized that marriage is likely an imminent event for me. Perhaps it is wrong to use a negatively connotated word like imminent, but that is how I feel - like I have something hanging over my head, and when I least expect it I will be crushed under its weight.

The man and I have settled quite comfortably into our semi-monthly spewing and regurgitation of love words. Not too much, not too little. We talk about the future as though we will always be together, but without any talk of committment in legal sense. Lately, however, I have been getting the feeling that the man is more open to the idea of matrimony. Why, you ask? Because of the pool of cess called Country Music Television. While eating dinner, we were forced to watch the crap that the roommate had chosen to watch (because the dining room and living room are one big room and we have a 40 inch TV). And so it came to be that we were introduced to the horror that is "My Redneck Wedding."

The bride rode in on a tractor. The ENTIRE wedding party wore camouflage. Not just a little camouflage, entire suits made of camouflage. They used taxidermy animals as decorations for their wedding - that they purposely brought to the reception - and served beans as the main course. I'm not one for pomp, but come on...if you are going to go through the trouble of wearing a suit, wear a fucking suit and not a camouflage jumper with a blaze orange hat. The groom gave the bride a pink rifle as a gift.

I thought this was horrible. The man thought it was amusing. He kept making comments like "I'm sure you'll kill me if I do that when we get married," and "You'd better be taking notes, because that that might be a good idea." And then there was the grinning...so much grinning. I am assuming that the grinning was in response to the look of horror on my face as I watched the trainwreck unfolding on the screen.

I am not jumping to conclusions and I fully realize that he may have just been acting stupid, but speaking of matrimony in this way is definitely odd. When I met the man he was the so adverse to marriage that it almost put me off. I would almost go so far as to say that he is bitter in regard to it. Personally, as I have mentioned before, I am not opposed to the option of marriage but I am not ready for it yet. I'd be better off with a very long engagement (think decades) so that I could ease into the marriage thing.

Am I over-analyzing? Perhaps. I won't lose any sleep in anticipation of a proposal, that's for sure. I am in no danger of this event approaching with any speed. It is the mere twinkle that it might be in the future that has triggered a disturbance in my happy little bubble of stability and comfort.

And to think, all this contemplation over a show where the final scene concludes with the groom asking the bride "Are you excited to go back to the hotel so we can constipate the marriage?"

how to elate me...

• offer to lock up the building so that I can leave on time and not have to worry about kicking out stragglers.
• get the mail without me calling to remind you that my contacts will be arriving and will freeze if left in the mailbox. (whew!)
• remind me that it is the first of the month and that I can finally change my lovely calendar to the next sheet.

how to perturb me...

• only scrape the snow and ice off of the windshield and front windows of your car, completely forgetting how you are a dumbass and may need to SEE BEHIND YOU. This makes you lazy, stupid, and dangerous.
• show up to work six hours after you should've been there and then give me a nasty look when I leave for the day (after having been at work for 8 hours).
• have the day off from work (make that the last 5 days off from work) and then ask me what is for dinner when I get home from the office.
• get your degree in meteorology, work for a major news station, and then when you explain the weather, use question marks behind what should be statements: Windy with a chance of flurries?...1-2" of snow?...Sunny?

taxes

My taxes are filed. I was able to e-file free of charge and the refunds will be deposited directly into my accounts. This makes me very happy. I wasn't able to file my state return electronically last year and it took me forever to get to a bank with the paper check. Now the money will be in my grubby little hands in the next 8-15 days. Woo hoo!

Okay, so the vast majority of it is going toward debt, but still...it is exciting for that brief moment that I see it in my bank account. And yes, it was fun and I am a dork.

letter to winter

Dear Winter,

I hate you. I think you suck, but not for the reasons you expect. I can bear the snow and the bad weather. It is something that I have come to understand and I can take precautions to make these things manageable. I can take a vacation day when you make the roads too treacherous to navigate and I can wear layer upon layer of clothing, turning me into an asexually rounded yeti. At least these things have advantages: I can stay home from work or avoid being hit on by unwanted suitors.

Rather, I hate you because of the way you make me feel. You make me numb in mind and body. You are accompanied by grey skies and gloom. You are as temperamental as a schizophrenic: one minute spewing snow from your steely clouds, the next firing lightning bolts and ice down from the heavens. If I were to admire anyone for anything, it would be for consistency in their work...of this you exhibit nothing but inconsistency. I hate that the meteorologists are incompetent at predicting your "episodes" and that there is no warning for your outbursts. You make me shiver with a death-like coldness that begins in the tip of my nose and runs through my body with the intensity of the first teenage "love" pangs. You make my boyfriend contort his body into a protective stance each time I come near him with my freezing "ice claws." You make me wish I hadn't been ordered to give up caffeine, and thus give up coffee and hot chocolate that used to warm my numbness. You make my bank account shrivel, but stretch at the same time, because of increasing fuel costs both for my car and to heat my house. You make the dog stand as though she were a tripod while trying to relieve herself in the bitter temperatures. You make me wish for warmer climates and a work-from-home job allowing me to be a shut-in and avoid you altogether. You make me hate the poets who have thought you worthy of putting pen to paper, the photographers who capture the first frost-covered mornings before the weight of your unsteady yet unrelenting fist has smashed upon the world, crushing out all hope and happiness. You make me curse the winter sport fanatics for wishing you would last longer, thus canceling out my own wishes that you'll pack up your shit and leave already. You make me yearn for spring, despite the odor of cow feces that will undoubtedly fill the air. You make me spend my time wishing for the future instead of enjoying the present, thus stealing precious time from my life (all the while realizing that this act is my own damned fault, for which I hate you even more).

Did I mention that I hate you, Winter. I do. From the bottom of my frozen, clicking heart.

Sincerely,
Trish T.

midwest

For all of my friends who have moved onward and outward from the Midwest, you are much smarter than I. I am pretty sure that half of my ass is still frozen to the leather seat in my car, thanks to the subzero wind chill of nearly -30 degrees. I really ought to get a seat cover.

For those of you who still suffer at the hands of Jack Frost (a man who, in my opinion, should be strung up by his balls, drenched with boiling water and left in the wintry hell he has created), you know my pain.

I doubt that I'll be moving anytime soon, but I am mulling over the possibility of branching out even farther from the nest. If I could afford a plane ticket home in the case of an emergency, I would feel more comfortable leaving the Midwest for places without 8 months of winter. I'm not sure that the man will ever leave WI again, but it may be time to plant the seed in his mind. A seed that will probably not break ground any time in this decade.

Don't get me wrong. There are many things I love about Wisconsin. (Minnesota, though, is a different story and I wouldn't move back there even if someone threatened to cut off all of my fingers with a grapefruit spoon.)

• I love the spring, summer, and fall.
• Trees.
• It is beautiful here.
• I live within 15 minutes of the capitol, but still live in the "country."
• I am close, but not too close, to family.
• There are many things to do, if I were to choose to do them.
• Cheese. Need I say more?

I hate the winter with a passion though. A passion strong enough to uproot me if we have to go through multiple winters like this one. I may be one of the very few people hoping for global warming (or at least its effect on winter in WI).

new CEO in the family

My nephew is already planning world domination. Perhaps I will let him invest my money for me. He's an ambitious kid, working at the ripe old age of 1.

time

Another quote that piqued my interest, in regard to time and the acts you perform to combat time, fill time, or escape it.

"We are weighed down, every moment, by the conception and sensation of Time. And there are but two means of escaping and forgetting this nightmare: pleasure and work. Pleasure consumes us. Work strengthens us. Let us choose."
-- Charles Baudelaire (a French poet)

short end

My mom e-mailed me today to see if I had gotten anything for Christmas from my grandpa. He generally gives us each an envelope with $10-20. I assumed that he wasn't doing that anymore as I didn't get anything. As it turns out, he just realized he has an extra envelope and I had been missed. I'm not upset about it, but it does leave me with an uneasy feeling of being forgotten...kind of like the time when my aunt drove away and left me at church in the middle of the winter when I was 7. I had to walk the four blocks to my grandparents' house, which wasn't a big deal. It was the being forgotten part that stung worse than having to walk through the snow in church shoes.

As it turns out, the State of Wisconsin has also forgotten me. I haven't received my tax forms in the mail this year. It is probably because they owe me money. It seems you are always least likely to hear from those you owe you some dough.

sophocles had it right

"The keenest sorrow is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause of all our
adversities." --Sophocles

I am feeling this quote quite personally when it comes to my tendency toward procrastination. I think we all dig ourselves into holes now and again. It takes a strong person to admit that you have no one to blame but yourself.

small favors

I went through all my desk drawers and completely re-evaluated the way I organize my home office. I found a gift card to Bath and Body Works from my 2006 birthday and an iTunes gift card from Christmas 2006. I had forgotten about both. I guess I'm not as broke as I thought...Yay!

foggy

I've been barely coherent for the past week. Despite my best efforts to avoid ailing coworkers, I seem to have caught the cold/flu that is running through the College. I'm on the mend, was out of the office on Tuesday because of the horrible headache and mind numbing sinus congestion. I think I'll be over it by the end of the weekend - because you know that I love wasting non-working days being ill. Chicken soup isn't working. Vitamin C didn't help ward off the sick. I eat at least one grapefruit every day, like clockwork, and it seems to have done nothing for me other than bathe my taste buds in deliciousness...no healing or preventative properties that I can speak of.

I went to the cardiologist yesterday to have him check my ticker out. Apparently, ticker is apropos because instead of the regular heartbeat sounds, mine includes a few extra ticks/clicks. This is not uncommon as 4% of women have a similar condition. It's something to do with my heart murmur, as are the episodes. Apparently, the mitrovalve prolapse (fancy word for my type of murmur) makes me more susceptible to heartbeat fuck-ups. In other words: my episodes will continue, they won't kill me, aren't really dangerous and could be tempered by medication if I were so inclined. I am not so inclined. I can live with my erratic heartbeat knowing that I'm not dying as a result. I've had to have a chest echo and CT scan. Once the results are in the doctor will be sending me any additional instructions (and I hopefully won't have to go back).

Also coming out of yesterday's appointment is a call for a major lifestyle change. I'm going to have to up my aerobic activity - much of my PT stuff is weight training - and thus, am in the market for a recumbent bike (which has been okayed as a form of exercise by my physical therapist). I'm supposed to watch my diet (maybe try to lower my cholesterol, which is on the high end of normal). I guess I won't be eating a steady diet of cheeseburgers and chips anymore.

I am fine, I have more and less on my plate. Less to worry about, more to do. It's all manageable, but right now I'm just tired and wishing that my cold would go away.

in my head

I am in love with "In Rainbows," the newly released Radiohead album. The man bought it for me last night and I've listened to it on repeat all day at work. I have a tendency to do this with new cds, listen to them until I have memorized every note and word. I have a feeling I will not be getting sick of this cd any time soon. Note: if you don't like Radiohead, shame on you, and you probably won't like this album. There are a couple songs on this cd where Thom Yorke sounds a lot like Rufus Wainwright (whom I love, even though he is a homosexual man who will never love me in return).

In other news, I have Monday off from work in observance of M. L. King Day. Sometimes I love working in higher ed. Not as many days off as bankers, but we do get some extras for holidays.

I plan on staying inside to avoid the sub-zero temperatures as much as possible. Of course I will be watching the Packer game on Sunday evening, but not too much going on other than that. I am still waiting for some tax documents that have yet to arrive, so that throws off my plan to do that this weekend. I may, however, paint the office instead. One can never tell.

fun and taxes

I'm a dork. I realize and embrace this as fact. I enjoy color-coordinating my files, organizing my closets, planning down to the minutiae, and doing my taxes. Yes, I enjoy doing my taxes. Granted, my taxes are relatively simple as I do not own land, am single, and have no dependents. Also, I am recently out of college so the mere fact that I earn more than $10,000 per year is still exciting, even if a large sum of it goes to the government. But, a good chunk of that is returned to me in the form of a refund so it makes the whole thing fun.

My refund will be spent lowering my debts and adding a little cushion to my savings. I have no plans for extravagance. I should be getting my W-2 tomorrow and then the fun will start.

technology rant

I'm likely going to work late tonight because we won't have tech support until later in the evening and I need my usb ports enabled to recognize my flash drive. The flash drive that is holding hostage the files I worked on last night. The brand new flash drive that the demonic work computers will not recognize, though my laptop was all "Welcome to fold, little flash drive! It's great to have you."

But not the work computers, of which there are many. They banded together to shout "Hey bitch, you don't have administrative rights on us so we won't recognize your twerpy little flash drive. We don't accept your kind around here. In fact, you don't even exist in our world."

Little do they know that I could throw each of them into the snow bank, frying their motherboards and rendering them unusable. But I won't. Instead, I will stew in the knowledge that the work I did last night will not be available for retrieval for many hours. So much for increasing productivity.

2008: so far so good (alternate title: optimism levels are high)

The Packers are one game away from the Super Bowl. This makes me deliciously happy. I wouldn't call myself an avid sports-watcher, but I do enjoy football and am near-fanatical about my teams. The Packers will play the Giants next and I'm anticipating a victory [knock on wood].

My optometry and dental appointments went swimmingly. I am still wearing the heart monitor created by demon spawn for the sole purpose of covering my skin with hives and itchiness. I have decided to wear it in three-day spurts, to allow time for my hive-ridden skin to heal a bit before I inflict more punishment. I'm optimistic that the doctors will be able to figure out what is going on, that it is nothing serious, and that I will be able to stop wearing this thing and go back to normal.

I've finally received the wonderful merchandise sent from heaven (also known as http://www.seejanework.com/), purchased with a fabulous gift certificate from the man's mother. My recent purchases are keeping me quite on track with my budgetary Nazism. I am able to tally, record, and/or store receipts and $s all in the same place (see: Accordion Organizer). I am in love with it and would marry it if I weren't so enthralled by the man. Along with the arrival of my fabulous array of office supplies, I have received equally fantastic news from the man. Operation: Paint the Ugly-Fucking-Office has been approved! I will likely go ahead with that little endeavor before the end of the month.

I will be getting paid tomorrow for the first time since December 20, 2007. Due to the holiday, we received our January 1, 2008 paychecks over a week early. Also, I am impatiently awaiting my W-2s so that I can file my taxes and hold a refund check in my grubby little hands. The majority of it will go toward debts, but the knowledge that those debts will be smaller makes me damn-near giddy.

So far, 2008 has broken the "even years are bad" theory to which I have previously prescribed.

eyes and teeth and lovejuice

I had an optometry appointment today. It was a follow-up to make sure that my eyes are not being destroyed from the inside because I've switched to a new brand of contact lenses. News was good - my eyes are not being destroyed. I have, however, been given a sample of a contact lens solution that WILL EAT MY EYES if I don't use it properly. I do not like the idea of this, but will try it nonetheless. I am confident in my ability to follow instructions, so I am hoping that the BURNING OF MY RETINAS will be foregone.

In other news, I will be having my bi-annual dental exam today. Yippee. This means panoramic x-rays of my chompers. I am hoping that the x-ray machine accidentally shoots its magic into my ovaries and takes out any chance of offspring. I am hoping this because I once again broached the topic of vasectomy with the man last night. I've been telling him that it is a simple, nearly painless, outpatient procedure and that he should just man up and do it. It would ultimately save us hundreds of dollars each year (condoms, birth control prescription). Yet, he claims that he doesn't want anyone going near his testicles with any sharp objects. I reminded him that I have a sharp mind and that he should have the surgery if he would like my head going anywhere near his man-package in the future. He did not concur.

NOTE: Sperm is made of broken futures, not candy and rainbows as some people believe.

projections

I'm generally an organized person. I may even be anal-retentive about it. The problem is that I have a tendency to allow organization become a procrastination tool. There is always something that can be organized, reorganized, or organized yet again. I'm better at the initiation of organization than I am on the follow-through for this reason - I know that there will be the opportunity to reevaluate and reorganize. One of my goals for the 2008 is to avoid doing this.

Another goal is to firmly cement my budget and adhere to it as though I will be cold and homeless if I stray from it. So far, this has gone well (even though it has only been one week). I have read a few books by Larry Winget on budgeting and getting "rich." Rich is not so much important to me as getting out of debt. Yes, I realize that the debt I have incurred is because of important things like education, but that doesn't make the monthly payments any easier to swallow. I generally have a budget that I am following, but I have been a bit lax at times. This will end. I will be a budgetary Nazi.

projects, goals, accomplishments, and lazy fatbodies

I am alive. I survived holiday season 2007. I made out like a bandit in regard to Christmas gifts and feel rich in the splendor. I'm still trying to get my shit together in terms of having been gone from work for over a week, which is why I haven't posted. I had a fabulous break, though fraught with inclement weather and much angst about the imminent return to work.


Over break I accomplished a number of things. I bought and framed some vintage geometric/mod fabric to go over the bed. The fabric is fabulous in and of itself because it is vintage and has orange in it:




In other news, I was able to visit my parents in the "northwoods" for day at Christmas. We had to leave early because of weather, but it was still a nice visit. My brother and his family were there. The kid is pretty cool, but did not conjure up any maternal instinct in me whatsoever. Both I and the man were happy about that.

As for New Year's resolutions, I don't really do that. I have goals for the year, but they are more or less just a guideline. I would like to:

1. finish my thesis and get my degree conferred
2. pay off my credit card debt (or at least get close)
3. pay off one student loan (likely the smallest one)
4. find a second job that I enjoy and that doesn't completely drain me (would not begin until #1 is completed and will aid in both #2 and #3)
5. get one step closer to financial stability that would allow us to kick the lazy-sack-of-shit, worthless, fatbody roommate out of the house and still be able to feed ourselves and the pets (without all of us having to resort to eating canned cat food)
6. take a class or attend some sort of fun learning experience/activity
7. participate in more charitable causes (e.g. I did the Race for the Cure last year and would like to do something like that and more)
8. become healthier and less dependent on physical therapy
9. continually remind myself that I need to keep working in this job so that I can gain enough experience to get a job that is more fulfilling (both mentally and financially)
10. use more locally-grown produce and locally-produced items

The man and I spent a quiet evening at home for New Year's. It was one of the two nights over break that we actually had the house to ourselves. The dickbag roommate has been more homebound than ever and is reverting to his slovenly ways. Thus, my tolerance for him is waning and if it weren't a financial necessity for his existency, the man and I would've thrown the vile crap he calls his belongings on the front yard months ago.

All in all, I'm optimistic about 2008. Happy New Year!

wired

I'm now hooked up to an event monitor (for my heart). I will be recording any "episodes" through January 2o. That equals one month of wearing these plastic nodes on my chest and toting a black electronic monitor on my waistband. I am not enthused, but realize that this is a means to the end of finding out why my heart acts like I take high doses of speed on a daily basis.

In other news, it is almost winter break! My friend Kristen is coming to visit en route to her parents'. This is good, as I will need respite from the onslaught of family festivities. My posts will be few and far between until January 2, when my break is over. Have a happy and joyous holiday season! Happy Birthday Jesus!

love is...

I've decided that being in love is like being drunk: you act stupidly, you are blind to your flaws and the flaws of your "other," you say things you wouldn't normally say, do things you wouldn't normally do, think you are invincible... All until "BANG!" you get your heart broken and the hangover you get from love is much worse than the worst whiskey-drunk hangover. You can't take two ibuprofen and drink a gallon of water to get over heart-sickness. It doesn't last a day and then magically disappear. No doctor can shove an IV in your arm and take away the symptoms. You are pretty much fucked.

The man and I (after 3+ years of togetherness) finally hit the "love" stage and I am not dealing with it very well. I am not a very emotionally expressive person, it wasn't the way I was raised. I think I was better not knowing and just assuming that the emotion was there and that was enough. Until...alas...I got drunk and decided that the man (in the event of one of our deaths) should know how I "feel." I was drunk, invincible, said things I wouldn't normally say, did things I wouldn't normally do...and as a result I am stuck with being in the "love" zone indefinitely.

Luckily, neither the man nor I verbalize our feelings very often (hence the 3+ years before the "L bomb" was dropped) so I don't need to worry about things being said with any kind of frequency. Unfortunately, this also means that I am rarely prepared for the outburst of emotion. The first time the man said "it," he was met with silence because I was caught off guard and didn't know what to say. Eventually, I figured out the desired response and was able to reiterate what he had said. Still, like being drunk, I am not very good at being "in love." I think my love-o-meter is busted.

early

I couldn't sleep last night. After eventually falling asleep, I found myself wide awake at 3:00 AM. I could hear water dripping out of the eaves onto the balcony floor. It made a ping sound. That mixed with the man talking in his sleep and his occasional snoring, making it impossible to sleep. I needed to wake up at 5:00 anyway, but two hours early is just too much.

I've been at work since 6:00 AM this morning. It is highly likely that I will have to stay late. It is times like this that I wish we had better public transportation in the US. I am without a vehicle today because my windshield washer pump is (hopefully) being fixed/replaced. The man was kind enough to drive me to work today, but since he also needs to be at work at 7:00 AM, I had to come in early. If only they would actually build the light rail, I wouldn't be in such a bind. But, alas, that has been on the docket for a decade and has never been passed.

In other news, it is officially 2 days 9 hours 5 minutes until I am on winter break! Yay! I am hoping you can see the excitement in my usage of exclamation points!! Over my winter break I plan on doing the following things:

• master Guitar Hero with five stars on each song in the hard level (could be an impossible mission, but I am up to the challenge)
• be lazy
• eat a lot of food
• watch the first season of Showtime's Dead Like Me
• not think about work...at all
• do the required family gathering stuff
• read a book that I want to read (that is unrelated to my thesis)
• spend some time hanging out with the man
• catch up with a couple friends

off kilter

I'm a klutz today. So far (and it is only 8:15 AM), I have run into the following things:

• the edge of the bed (with my toe)
• the doorknob on the bedroom closet (with my hand)
• the dog gate (with my hip)
• the corner wall in the hallway at work (with my shoulder, while carrying tea)
• the edge of my desk (with my thigh)

Perhaps I should take a hint and not leave my chair or attempt to drive.

In other news, my windshield wiper motor appears to be completely fucked...and not in a good way. I'll have to make an appointment to get it replaced (to the tune of what I estimate as $200+.) Merry fucking Christmas.

snow day

I was out of the office all day yesterday. They closed down work at 2:00 PM due to inclement weather (which is the reason I could not get to either my cardiology appointment or to work). Luckily, I will not have to take a full day of vacation to compensate for my absence since they closed the buildings.

So, instead of working yesterday, I stayed home and...worked on work unrelated to my real job. Yay. I did get an hour of Guitar Hero III in though, so I didn't work all day. I must say that the XBox 360 is the most glorious gaming console. The graphics are amazing. It almost doesn't make me upset that it has stolen my boyfriend's affections. However, the man has somewhat made up for it and has been an amazingly wonderful boyfriend this week. (Also, the XBox 360 is only visiting for the week and will be going back home sometime this weekend - until we inevitably buy one that will stay at the house forever and always.)

Since our jerk of a snowplow guy hasn't shown up at the house yet, my very sweet boyfriend shoveled the majority of our very long driveway so that I could get to work this morning. He spent an hour shoveling at 9:00 last night since we had waited, hoping that the plowman would show up. It is nice when your significant other can put aside the stupidity and disregard that accompanies the male gender and does something very kind and thoughtful. I must admit that I don't always give him the credit he deserves, but he gets laid a lot, so that makes up for my inability to communicate my gratitude through words.

In other news, I came in to work at 6:30 AM and will be working a couple hours late to try to get caught up on things. This is going to be a long-ass day.

things i did over the weekend

1. slept
2. ate
3. cleaned the house while dodging attacks made by the cat
4. slept some more
5. talked on the phone
6. went to the store
7. wrapped Christmas gifts
8. ate
9. slept
10. watched the Packer game
11. wrote a few Christmas cards
12. ate
13. put up our tiny Christmas tree
14. slept
15. watched the last episode of Dexter: Season 1
16. made dinner
17. ate
18. channel surfed
19. slept
20. woke up to find I'd slept through the majority of the weekend

The good news is that my cold seems to be nearly gone. Also, the more I sleep, the closer to winter break it gets.

i live in a bacon world

I am still sick with a cold, but it is getting better. We've made it through the last snowstorm and now are only expecting another 2-4 inches of snow over the weekend. It is sunny and gorgeous (but cold) outside right now. I am in much better spirits, despite a headache that won't seem to subside.

Part of the reason I'm in a better mood is that I am now 99% done with my holiday shopping. I received the last of my brother's Christmas gifts in the mail yesterday. I bought him bacon salt to go along with his other, more "traditional" gifts. I also bought bacon salt for the man and as I am awful at not letting him open gifts until the actual holiday/birthday, he opened it last night. I must admit, this stuff is surprisingly good. Everything is better with bacon.

birthday boy

My nephew Brady turns one year old today. Happy birthday! Unfortunately for him, it has been ruled by his mother that he cannot open the gifts I sent to him until his party on Sunday. As they live many, many miles away, I will not be there for the party and will have to settle for watching the dvd later. I purposely wrapped the gifts in tissue paper so that he would be better able to open them. I didn't include a card, because, come on, who cares about the card? Also, I gave him toys and a book as it seems to be impossible to know which life track he'll set out on so early. He has red hair, so let's hope he doesn't go the nerdy route.

Happy Birthday little man!

not as pissy as i seem

I realize I have sounded a bit frustrated and unhappy. I'm frustrated, but not unhappy. Things at work are looking up as we are finally full-staffed for the first time in nearly a year. This will eventually lighten my workload (though there is always a learning curve and things may cause more work for me for the next month or so). That said, I'm happy with the way things at work are going. I'm not too worried about my doctor appointments, it is just a matter of figuring out what is wrong and finding a plan of action. I'm not anticipating anything major. If you haven't noticed, I tend to use this as a forum from which to vent. I guess you are all reading at your own risk.

I'm also looking forward to having 11 days of non-work in a row. We have a winter break from work from Dec. 22 - Jan. 2. It will be a much needed break for everyone in the office and hopefully we'll be able to get some more things put in motion this upcoming year.

My seemingly endless cold is giving me quite the pissy attitude until about mid-day, when my symptoms subside a bit. That would likely account for my morning cynicism. I'm medicating myself with vitamin C (even though it may not have proven cold healing powers). But hey, it has to be better than the alternative: bourbon.

cold enough for ya?

It is only 7:30 AM and I have already heard 5 people say "Is it cold enough for ya?" What do they think? Why do they ask? It isn't making small talk or conversation. I have a cold, my windshield washer fluid seems to be frozen, snot pours out of my head when going inside from outside. It's fucking 7 degrees below zero. No, I guess it would only be cold enough for me if my arms and legs were reduced to gangrenous nubs because of frostbite. Is that cold enough for you?

not even officially winter yet

We just received 6 inches of snow (not including the 5 inches from the weekend still on the ground). Getting to work was a real bitch today, as neither my road nor my driveway had been plowed. I ended up getting stuck where our road meets the highway, but luckily I had my shovel and the aid of two good samaritans to get me out. I made it to work okay after that.

We are expecting another 4 inches of snow tomorrow and then another major storm this weekend. Sometimes I really hate living in WI. The snow can be beautiful at times, but it sure can be a pain in the ass.

Thank God for the snow removal crews. It looks like it may be a long winter in the Midwest.

insomniac

I am at work well before my standard "at work" time. I couldn't sleep so came in to work. This may or may not have been a good idea. It is possible that I could leave early = good. However, it is possible that I will actually end up working late = bad. There is another snowstorm coming this afternoon, so an early departure time would be better.

I haven't been sleeping much this past week. The combination of dread surrounding my thesis and worry regarding my impending medical appointments are keeping me awake. I've been productive in many other ways, such as having nearly all my Christmas shopping done. I go to get my event monitor for my heart next Tuesday. I will wear it for one month and it will record any abnormalities or episodes and send them directly to the doctor. After that month is over, I will meet with the cardiologist and hopefully figure out what exactly is wrong with me. I hope I will be able to sleep after that.

I have a case of the blahs.

survival update: thanksgiving 2007

Well, we made it through the holiday. I feel better equipped to write about the event now that it is one week in the past. If I had written about it earlier, I may have been misleadingly negative due to the strain of clearing the chaos of visitors from the house. It is always interesting for me to see how much the man and his mother are alike. I have only met her a few times, since they now live in Oklahoma and don't make it back to WI but a few times per year. I find it particularly amusing when she claims to not know where the man got some of his personality attributes, such as his stubbornness and temper, when I have personally seen her exhibit these same traits.

Overall, the holiday was okay. It was more work that was promised, but it went well. So well, in fact, that the "family" plans on coming to our house every Thanksgiving. I, however, will not tie myself down to that promise. It seems as though the man's family often forgets that I have a family of my own whom I would like to spend holidays with. This annoys me. I have already mentioned that I would likely be going home next year and not to anticipate my assistance in the planning and execution of the event. It would be nice if the man were able to come home with me, but since his folks will be visiting each Thanksgiving, I wouldn't want him to miss out on spending time with them.

As always, there was turmoil amidst the festivities and their visit was bittersweet for the man. I found the whole event to be stressful and it made me miss my family and their traditions even more. Traditions where things are fun, not tedious and the food is prepared the way I like it - with lots of butter and gravy and sarcastic comments about the way you are making things with tons of butter and gravy.

In other news, my body is completely fucking up. My heart is experiencing severe bouts of abnormal heart rate exceeding 120 beats per minute. I go see a cardiologist soon and will probably have to wear an event monitor and have a battery of tests. My mother swears that I wasn't microwaved as a baby and that no drugs were involved in my conception or incubation stages, which I believe because my mother has never smoked so much as a cigarette. I am hoping that they find something easily treatable like a hyperactive thyroid and that it isn't a complication due to my heart murmur. Only time will tell and I'll keep you posted.

As for now, I'm on vacation (though going to the doctor twice in less than 24 hours isn't much of a vacation) and am working on my thesis. So far I've been making steady progress. I'll write more about it later.

mourning

My beta fish Orpheus died this week. It was upsetting, but I'm okay. I loved Orpheus, but we never bonded like I did with my previous fish Homer. Perhaps it is because Orpheus was a gift and I had been mourning the loss of Homer at the time of his arrival. Even so, I had grown very attached to Orpheus in the nearly three years we were together and I am quite saddened by his passing. I don't think I'll be getting another fish for quite some time.

things i hate today

1. The person in the cubicle outside my office playing Josh Groban.
2. Josh Groban.
3. The weird pissing thing the sky is doing that is neither snow nor rain nor sleet.
4. The fog.
5. Not being able to drink decaffeinated coffee because decaffeinated coffee still contains significant amounts of caffeine. Thus, it is not aptly named. It should be lesscaffeinated coffee.
6. Receiving Dexter: Season 1 Disc 2 before receiving Dexter: Season 1 Disc 1 from Netflix.
7. Black Thursday and the commercialism associated with it.
8. Making travel arrangements for people other than myself.
9. Thinking about the lack of money to pay bills and still afford Christmas.
10. Did I mention Josh Groban?

reasons my hair might fall out this week

1. The man's mother and stepfather are coming to stay with us for a few days over the holiday. We don't quite know when they are arriving.
2. The man's mother and stepfather may be bringing their dog, which would cause Jammer to go into convulsions and have a nervous breakdown.
3. We are hosting Thanksgiving for somewhere between 12 and 18 of the man's family and stepfamily.
4. We have to prep the house for hosting Thanksgiving.
5. I don't know the majority of those coming to spend the entire day of Thanksgiving at our house. I wonder if it would be rude to have people wear "Hello! My Name Is _____" tags.
6. Jammer doesn't react well to large numbers of strangers in the house. There is bound to be much barking (some of which will be likely directed at little old ladies, whom there are quite a few of in the man's family).
7. I am taking four days off next week (Tuesday through Friday) and this is a short work week. I am drowning in things to get "wrapped up."
8. The man's boss is giving each employee a turkey for Thanksgiving. We do not have a freezer large enough to accommodate a frozen turkey. We are not responsible for the Thanksgiving turkey preparation. I will never cook a turkey. I hope someone will take it home with them.
9. The doctor told me to completely cut out caffeine due to my elevated heart rate. I consume very, very little caffeine as it is and now I will have to make sure that I am stringent in deleting it from my diet.
10. These same stepfamily people are the same ones who asked the man (in my presence) about our matrimonial possibilities at last Thanksgiving. And now they will be in my house for a whole day.

maladies #8: syringes and balls

My latest physical therapy appointment was definitely more promising than my last doctor visit. However, I have an additional three exercises/stretches and a new treatment. I was given (I actually bought it) a rubber ball the approximate size of a cantaloupe to use in stretching out my IT band (muscle on outside of leg between hip and knee). I lie on the floor with the ball under the outside of my leg and use the ball to stretch the muscle. It hurts like a motherfucker and I was instructed that it should not be used directly on the hip area, as it would likely be too painful. At least this was not a surprise.

The treatment I was given (which I did not have to pay for out-of-pocket) is a band-aid type thing with a batter attached. I inject medicine from a vial onto the pad on the underside of the bandaid, tape it to my hip, pull a tab to start the battery and let it inject medicine into my muscle for a few hours. I have yet to try this, but will keep you posted as to what it actually does. I hope it is helpful, as I have four treatments for each hip.

I find the treatment to be kind of interesting, but it also kind of freaks me out. I wonder what the man's mom and stepdad will think if they open the medicine cabinet to find a bunch of syringes and vials of meds. Perhaps I should label them "heroine" to see what sort of fun ensues.

one small step for man

My brother's kid learned to walk yesterday. I have the feeling that this kid is going to be a holy terror once he figures out the power he has now obtained.

I wish my brother and sister-in-law all the luck in the world. They are pregnant again, and Brady (pictured above) isn't even one year old yet. I hope, for their sakes, that he uses his power for good instead of evil.

let them eat cake

Wow. I had forgotten how easy cake is to make. Cake mix + oil + eggs + water = CAKE. In case you are wondering why I would be making a sweet delight such as cake, it was a coworker's birthday. I made a "Funfetti" cake. It was delicious. I don't even like cake very much, and this cake was good.

I must remember that:
A.) cake is easy to make,
B.) baking a cake makes the whole house smell delicious and nothing like the putrid nastiness the roommate cooks (fish + something else disgusting), and
C.) people like cake and I could win friends and influence people with a steady stream of cake.

the black donnellys

I loved this show. Only six episodes of The Black Donnellys aired on NBC, but the man and I loved it nonetheless. We just finished watching the rest of the season/series (rented from Netflix). I can't believe it was canceled. It seems that I have a knack for liking shows that not enough of the American populous watches.

The series was written by the writer of Million Dollar Baby and the team of writers behind Crash, both of which won Oscars. As for The Black Donnellys, I either loved the characters, or loved to hate the characters - I think that is key to genuinely connecting with a show.

If you are looking to kill a day, rent the DVDs. You can get the whole series in three discs. Keep in mind that the series ended as if it were going to be picked up for a second season so you may be left wanting more. The man was content with the ending, but I believe that too much is left unresolved. All in all, it is still definitely worth watching.

plans

I've set the wheels in motion for a week away from work to concentrate on my thesis. I'll be taking off November 27-30 to focus solely on my thesis. I'll be working and staying away from home, free from all distractions (namely: the pets and the man). I will also be out of the office December 7 and 9. I have appointments those days, but will be taking full days off from work. All I need now is final approval and I'll confirm the arrangements.

I may also be making updates to this site more frequently during those times (there won't be that pesky thing called work to get in my way of posting).

I am hoping that the time away from work will help me to come back feeling less frustrated. At this point, the bitterness I have about my work is creeping into every aspect of my life. I think a few days off will remedy this...at least I hope it will.

architectural cream

This weekend was actually quite good. I was able to spend a significant amount of time reorganizing my filing system. To the average human, this would sound tedious and quite boring. In my twisted world, this is categorized as "fun." Good, productive, time-consuming fun with an obvious result. The office is finally coming together (with the exception of the extra furniture we had been gifted that we are afraid to do anything with). I would like to paint the walls this color (Architectural Cream by Ralph Lauren):

However, I do not see any painting in my future as painting seems to only be done based on how much it "needs" to be done. Thus, I am secretly hoping that the walls begin to peel, which would necessitate the painting of the room. I have the rest of the room nearly to my liking, right now it is just the stark walls that are inhibiting the flow of my perfect thesis environment.

punishment

All of my negativity is now manifesting itself in the form of a sinus headache, nose stuffiness, and sore throat. It began yesterday when I was already feeling pitiful and has now developed into a cold. Even though I resolved to end the bitterness, lo and behold a cold appears. Thus, I could blame myself for lowering the power of my immune system through negative thought. However, I prefer to blame the children.

Of course I don't have children, but my coworkers do and I know that one of them has sick children. Children are carriers of the evil viruses that cause adults to miss work. Missing work is hard enough when you are doing it on purpose for, say, a vacation. You come back to work to find that the amount of work you missed is exponentially larger than the amount of hours missed. It is even worse when you are sick. You get to stay home, but you are miserable the whole time so it isn't even worth it.

The man has many coworkers who have spawned. These coworkers also bring their children's viruses to work and infect the man. However, the amount of chemicals in the food that the man eats has preserved him, giving him superhuman strength to fend off the majority of illnesses. I, on the other hand, am often the receptacle for the viruses unable to make their home in the man. This is not the man's fault. In a way, he is just the messenger. The messenger of evil from the children who hope to cause my suffering and nose runniness.

maladies #7: you can't handle the truth

Well, well, well, where do I start. The appointment can be summed up in one word: shit. The doctor is shit. His diagnosis is shit. I'd like to throw shit at the doctor. I feel like shit. The doctor is happy with the progress I have made, but is unsure of any next steps other than a very pricey, possibly beneficial, possibly detrimental, extremely painful series of procedures that may, might, possibly, when pigs fly out my ass, could fix the problem. So, now that my pelvis isn't all wonky, he's going to have me continue with physical therapy twice daily for the next three months, and possibly, if I do not feel much worse by that time, I might be able to cut it down to five times per week. But, there is no telling if it will make the pain go away. I might end up with killer six-pack abs, but what good does that do if I still feel like the wishbone from the Thanksgiving turkey.

I'm going back to my physical therapist next week to see if he has any additional or altered exercises for me to do. If not, I will likely not have to see him anymore. There was much talk of deep tissue massage to break up the scar tissue, but the doctor doesn't necessarily suggest that, but he doesn't necessarily not suggest it either. It might work, he said, but it might not. Wow! I found the only doctor who can get by with the mindset of a meteorologist, "it might rain, but it might not - I'd say there is a fifty percent chance." You know what doc, I say there is a fifty percent chance that you'll walk out your door tomorrow morning to find a flaming bag of ... you guessed it: SHIT.

maladies #6: chilly with a slight chance of my head exploding

It is cold outside. My body feels it, my muscles feel it, my bones feel it, my joints feel it. I get to go to see the sports medicine doctor again today (the doctor that prescribed the physical therapy) to see how I've progressed and to get a recommendation for the next course of action. I know that I have made progress and that I should be happy with that. I shouldn't complain or pity myself because all-in-all, things could be much worse. However, I'm human and I don't like being in pain all the time. That pain is what keeps me focused on trying to find some sort of remedy. That pain also keeps me constantly on edge, which sucks for those who need to be around me.

I'm optimistic about my appointment, because the goal of the physical therapy was to realign and stabilize my pelvis, which has happened with the exception of a couple instances or relapse. My optimism, as always, is tempered by the thought that this pain has been constant and sometimes overwhelming for nearly ten years and I question what can be done now that hasn't been attempted already. Let's hope that this doctor has some sort of miracle and that it isn't going to cost me too much to get there.

november rain

When it rains it pours, that's for damned sure. I've had a busy November so far, and it is only the 6th. I was able to take yesterday off from work, which did wonders for my weekend happiness, but I'm now buried under paperwork back at the office. I think everyone finds themselves in this cycle: take a day off from work, work normal hours plus hours taken off to make up work missed on day off. Ah, I am doomed to keep repeating this until I find a way to get ahead of the work streaming into my inbox. If you invent time travel, let me know...I'll be the one beating her head against her desk.

I was productive over the weekend. I reorganized the furniture in the den in preparation for the man's parents, who will be visiting over Thanksgiving. Also, I did a bit of financial management. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I have a handle on my finances. Yes, there are the student loans, an auto loan, and many monthly payments to consider, but I have a well-devised plan to cut down my debt substantially in 20 months. Of course, this plan does require that I cut out nearly all my discretionary spending, but that is something I am willing to do in order to wake up one morning in 2009 and not feel like I'm sinking in payments. I've been tinkering with my budget for over a year, but I finally think I can make my planned and actual budgets match now. Already, I am feeling quite relieved.

The budgetary planning success has given me an idea as to how I can feel like less of a failure on a daily basis (regarding my thesis). Similar to my financial tracking and monitoring, I will be creating workload and chapter plans with measurable milestones. I will set timelines to keep myself accountable and update them daily. I am beginning with a home office overhaul. As it stands, despite my attempts, the office is still not a space I consider conducive to studying/working. The only use the room even gets is a depository for my files and a playground for Cat Named Jack. If work is to be done, it will have to be done in this room. Progress is set to begin today after work.

absentminded

I've become a pothead without smoking pot. In other words, my short term memory is shot and I zone out quite frequently. Since there is absolutely no herbal intake, I blame stress. However, this is only selective short term memory loss as it is not affecting my work life. My personal life, however, is another story. Either my memory is crap, or I just don't listen. The man has gotten quite irritated that he has to repeat things to me that he has told me before. Perhaps I'm turning into a man.

halloween

I've apparently gone crazy and dressed up the animals. However, it was Halloween and I'm a firm believer that everyone should dress up for the holiday. As a result, I present Jackson Pinkerton III and Princess Jammer Leia.

Jack didn't mind the costume, but didn't want to sit still long enough for me to get a clear photo. He was bribed with treats to get the one I posted above. I think he looks quite dapper in his tie. Unfortunately, this "dress-up" led to this:

It may appear to be sniffing, but about two seconds after this photo was taken, the teeth and claws came out to remind me "Dude, don't fuck with me. I don't like clothes."

Conversely, Jammer has always loved clothes, though we don't usually let her wear anything other than her collar and bandanna. She loved everything about this outfit, except for the "hair."

Jammer didn't wear the outfit for long, only about ten minutes. We don't get any trick-or-treaters so we dressed her for our own amusement and then went along with the evening as we normally would. Don't call PETA, no animals were harmed in the making of a happy Halloween. Actually, they did more damage to me than I did to them. Jammer freaked out when I took off her costume and she realized she was naked, nearly knocking me to the ground. And I don't need to explain how much damage a pissed off Jack can do to human flesh.

happy halloween

Today we are having a Halloween potluck at work. I must say that my costume is the best I've ever come up with. I'm Tippi Hedron from Hitchcock's The Birds, complete with blond wig, '60s dress, and crow attacking my head. Yes, there is also blood and torn nylons. I may have to post a photo. Unfortunately, I am the only one in costume thus far. I do know a coworker will be partaking in the delights of costume-wearing, but she won't be in until 10 am. Oh well.

Also, it was the man's birthday yesterday, which went very well with the exception that we had dinner with two sets of his grandparents two nights in a row. Oh, and one of them brought up marriage. And the man didn't seem too opposed to the possibility, which caused a near panic attack on my end because we have never discussed it. I guess it might come to that at some point, but I've never really considered "our" life ending up there. I'm not anti-marriage when it comes to the man, but in front of his 86-year-old grandmother is not the appropriate time to have that first discussion. We are going to see Jimmy Buffett in Vegas next October, I'll make sure I build my tolerance up by then or I may come home with more than a hangover.

oh, come on...

Today is a "what the fuck?" day. Since the minute I woke up, things have been on a weird plane. The man is abnormally outward with his feelings today, which throws me off. The pets were actually calm this morning, nothing like their normal AM behavior. These are good things. Work, of course, is another story.

Warning: I'm about to bitch about my job. Today is the kind of day where, instead of leaving early like I should due to the amount of hours I've already put in this week, I'll likely be staying late or coming in tomorrow. I had my day plotted out, time parceled, etc. That blew out the fucking window at 8:45 this morning. I guess I have to "roll with the punches."

quicksand

The man is extremely stressed out these days, which is only remotely good because it allows me to get perspective on my own stress. In comparison, my stresses aren't as bad as his and thus, I am reminded to count my blessings.

I'm not going to go into details, but lately there seems to be a tidal wave of negative outcomes pouring down on the man. Family issues, business issues, career issues, transportation issues, all have reared their ugly heads this week. He was full of optimism not even one week ago, but in the matter of three days he has been sucked into the quicksand of doubt and negativity. Like quicksand, adding more negative happenings to a person can suck them further and further into the expectation of future bad occurrences.

I am trying to remain positive, despite my own propensity to be cynical. Luckily, I do not doubt the man and his abilities so it is easy for me to give him a pep talk every now and again. Mainly, I'm trying to listen so that he is able to purge some of the weight that is dragging him down. Today is a new day and I hope that I go home to find that he has risen a bit out of the frustration. It is very difficult to be cheery when someone around you is angst-ridden.

spreading the love

I have a two inch by one inch poison ivy wound healing on my ankle. I found it while I was in the shower about two weeks ago. I just assumed that I had somehow unknowingly come across it. Upon further reflection, I realized that I have not been anywhere to get said poison ivy allergic reaction: no forests, no ditches, no long grass or wooded areas of any kind. Where, one might ask, did I pick up poison ivy? I was perplexed. One morning the man looked at my unsheathed ankle (free of it's binds after the irritation cleared up) and said "ow, what happened there?". I explained and all of a sudden he looked quite sheepish. The man had a hunch at how I procured said irritation because he, the man, had brought it home to me.

The man is one of the rare superhumans who is not allergic to things people normally have reactions to, like poison ivy and mosquito bites. The man and some of his buddies went to play paintball (you guessed it) two weeks ago. There are weeds and grass and poison ivy and trees there. He brought home the horrible itchiness of the poison ivy and somehow managed to strategically place it on the inside of my ankle. A place where a lovely kitten-heeled shoe can wreak havoc on the sensitive skin covered with a small section of rashy, horrible, irritating poison ivy outbreak.

As it was already nearly gone, I couldn't be super-pissed at him anymore. He just grinned and said that as long as the worst thing he ever brings home to me is poison ivy irritation, I should be happy. Some men bring home herpes.

progress

I've been working a lot lately, on a variety of projects. I'm nearly finished with my side project for a former coworker. I'm creating a Website for the man's new business. I've been putting in overtime at work. I've been putting in time on my thesis. I've been working to revamp some spaces in the house. Whew, I've been busy.

Suffice it to say, I've made substantial progress in many of the aforementioned areas and as a result of my working so much there have been fewer posts lately. I apologize, but need to mention that although I've made progress, there is still much work to do. I will try to post regularly.

maladies #5: takes a licking and keeps on ticking

I haven't brought up my physical therapy appointments lately. I am still doing an hour of exercises daily to try to fix all of the issues, but we hit a bit of a roadblock last week. Apparently, my body decided to go haywire, just to show me that I am not, in fact, in control. Out of the blue, despite all my efforts, I regressed to my pre-physical therapy status of pain, snapping muscles, cramping muscles, muscles seemingly on fire, pain, pelvic nonalignment, pain, and oh, did I already mention the pain? Frustration followed, as did a brief spell of pity partying. But, that was short lived and I continued doing the exercises, though they had been altered a bit because of my regression.

Apparently, the changes have worked as I am once again on track to "recovery" as of my appointment yesterday afternoon. My strength, though not Herculean, has improved nonetheless, as has my flexibility. My muscles are wound tighter than a nun in the Red Light District, but after some awful stretches and massage techniques, they seem to be loosening a bit (my muscles, not the nuns).

I have another appointment next week, and if all goes well I might not have to continue my weekly visits. I'll keep you posted.

new opportunities

The man and I were actually able to spend some time together this weekend as this was his first weekend off from work since June (if not earlier). We had a great weekend and were able to accomplish a lot of small projects that we had been putting off. Also, we took some time to do nothing but enjoy one another's company, which was a welcome change from the perfunctory ways we spend time together, such as going to the hardware store or eating dinner.

Some new opportunities have revealed themselves in terms of the man's career. As a result of some savvy purchases and networking over the course of the past month, he has been able to make significant headway toward opening his own business. This project has been "in the works" for quite some time, but now the focus has shifted, allowing for a much more timely opening date and a more manageable workload.

I'm quite happy for him and I know that he will be much more content with life in general when he is back doing work that he enjoys. The selfish side of me sees how much time and energy must be put out in opening a new business and anticipates negative consequences (namely, less time for me). I'm going to have to try to be as supportive as possible because I know how much the business means to him. I do know, from experience, that there will be some rough patches ahead. This (the new business and the effects on our relationship) won't be easy.

In other news, I will be an aunt to a second tiny human as my brother and his wife are expecting their second child in May.

reasons why i am restless

1. seemingly insurmountable workload at work, and that doesn't even take into account my normal work responsibilities (leading me to feel like I have failed each time I leave the office)
2. still understaffed at work
3. hourly wage + no overtime = donation of multiple work hours to employer each week
4. minimal quality time with the man due to our conflicting work schedules
5. summer has passed, and I have participated in zero fun summer activities with the man
6. inexplicably, my physical therapy seems to have stopped progressing, meaning a new approach will be taken
7. roadblock in terms of special side project
8. lack of friend time and time with the man has been leading to all work and no play
9. rising costs of everything
10. thesis still isn't finished

frustration abundant

I realize that things aren't easy for people. I admit that I've struggled since college. Other people couldn't even go to college for a multitude of reasons, making me one of the privileged with an advanced degree. There are times when I throw myself a pity party about not being happy with the hourly wage that I consider to be a mere pittance. However, I have to realize that many people support their entire family for less than I earn.

So, I might not be fulfilled in my job. I might yearn for something more substantive and less dull. But, there are components of my job that keep me here: sometimes the work is engaging and rewarding, I enjoy my coworkers, and I feel like I might be able to make a difference (once things finally get the blessing of those with higher positions).

I remember how downtrodden I felt when I was looking for a job, there were times when I was upset and felt worthless and that my education had failed me. Those thoughts were fleeting, but they were persistent. A dear friend of mine is having a similar time right now and through my own experience I have found that a swift kick in the ass is required to break out of that slump. As much as I love her, I need her to know that she is not lacking, simply because she receives a couple rejection letters. At 26, your experience cannot possibly add up to that of someone ten years older who has been in the same field for over a decade. The economy cannot support all of the job seekers' needs right now and one needs to be patient, as difficult as that might be.

I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason. That job that looked so great might lead you down a path that diverts you from your intended fate. The job that looks like a dream come true might in reality be the avenue to contemplation of suicide. Be thankful that things happen the way that they do, because, hey...you never know when you are going to look back and see a bunch of dodged bullets in place of those rejection letters.

blinding odor

Judging from the smell, either a sewer main just busted or someone sharted in my office building.

weekend update

I'm still sick, but on the verge of getting "better." As for the state of my relationship with the man...things are phenomenally better. The man is legitimately taking into account how his actions will affect me and has...dare I say...been making good choices. I think the argument has led to some very positive outcomes and I'm really happy that he is making such an effort.

I've been frustrated with work lately due to a number of projects being taken on with not enough staff to complete the tasks at hand. I have become irritated with my boss as a result, despite knowing that he is just doing his job. Unfortunately, it is wearing on my already loose grip on keeping things from falling through the cracks, which is making me somewhat short and less tactful than normal. I think things will pan out eventually. Rather, I hope things will pan out eventually.

Mostly, I'm just happy that the man and I are on the same page again. It is always much better to go home and not want to harm your significant other.

heal

I'm on the mend from my flu/cold. I still don't feel good, but am more able to function as a human being. My weekend is looking to be one of work and waiting. I'll be working on some projects and cleaning the house while I wait for the man to get done with work so that I do not feel as though I should also be working. I have this problem where I feel like I should be working if he is working, that it isn't fair that I relax while he is toiling away the hours. I know that this is horse shit. I can't help it. I've never been one to shirk my duties, and I feel lazy knowing that I'm lounging around or sleeping in while the man is at work and there are a.) things that could be done around the house, or b.) work I could be doing on my projects. This "must work" concept is even less viable when taken into consideration that the man sees it fit to play video games all day on his days off (while I am at work).

So, I would like to say that I will try to be lazy all weekend, though I know I will become stir crazy and clean the bathroom for the third time this week. Perhaps I will get high off the fumes and spend a couple restful hours passed out on the floor. One can only hope.

Oh yeah, one thing I know I won't be doing this weekend is making meth. The bastards at Walgreen's would not allow me to purchase both DayQuil and NyQuil at the same time, because I might make meth. Yes, I'm oozing snot out of my face, sneezing on the counter, and talking like Fran Drescher because I need my 'Quils so that I can make some fucking meth with them. I know that this is a "law" now, but come on. If you are sick and you need to have medicines, do you really want to go to multiple locations, which can be tracked by the system and you could potentially be turned away, or wait until the next day because god forbid you would like to be awake and sleep on the same damned day! The government's attitude of punish the masses for the actions of the few can just suck my ass. Yes, I did just write suck my ass, which I find to be the most despicable saying, but I did so because that is how bad I felt when I was forced to decide between functioning while awake or sleeping without dying. I chose to be a functioning, conscious adult and thus have been forced to deal with the lack of sleep, which has caused the obvious tirade.

sweat hog

Yesterday was a short workday. I left halfway through the day after much prodding from coworkers who likely weren't amused by my constant nose blowing. As a result, I spent most of yesterday in a supine position, hoping that the mucus would run out of my sinuses and straight down my throat, rather than clogging every crevice of my head and cutting off my nasal passageways. This worked only periodically and every time I got up I was met with a dizzy spell and subsequent dam break of liquid coming out of my nose. It was hot.

Today, the pressure in my sinuses is so great that my brain is being cooked to perfection and is only lacking the addition of some potatoes and carrots. I'm at work, though, despite feeling like five kinds of ass. The fever has set in. I'm normally freezing at work, but not today. Today my office is a sauna. A sauna of stagnant virus-filled air. I am torn between keeping my door shut to contain the outbreak, which would increase the temperature, or if I would rather share my illness with the rest of the office in lieu of some much needed cool air circulation. I'm opting to keep the door closed, but not for their benefit. I'm on a somewhat short temper due to the pressure in my noggin and I would rather not hear or see any of my coworkers. I guess this could still be viewed as an off-kilter form of altruism.

Things are still weird with the man, mainly because we are both ill and don't have the energy to make up. We don't even hug each other, we just kind of lean into one another, hoping that we can balance that way without either of us collapsing. This unspoken avoidance, even though it is illness-induced, makes the argument feel as though it is being prolonged. We make a good couple, the man and I. He is busy hacking out his lungs while my nose has become a spigot of nastiness.

mood swings 3: D-Fence!

Well, I brought up the pending issue of "friend time" with the man. All attempts to couch the discussion failed. I asked him to hear me out before going on his guard, but of course, he was defensive from the get go. There were many words put into my mouth and I didn't get around to saying what I wanted to say until approximately three hours after the fight started. There was an interim where I was confused as to what the hell was going on and I had actually begun to think that I had overreacted.

Finally, I remembered and was able to say "I intended just to ask that your friends, who have a lot of free time in comparison to us, would be more understanding of the limited time we actually do have when we can be together. My hope is that they will think before calling and inviting themselves over after having spent the last five days at our house." This statement led to the man's apology for overreacting and not letting me speak my piece before he took things out of context.

In other news: I went to bed at 11PM feeling fine, but woke up at 2:30AM barely able to breathe through my swollen sore throat and due to my burning, congested sinus cavities. It looks like along with an apology, the man has given me a raging early autumn cold. Yay.

mood swings 2

I spoke to the man on my lunch break. Things appear as though they may be better this week in terms of unwanted guests. One can only hope.

His mood was much improved over this morning and I think there may be an opening for an only slightly unpleasant discussion concerning "friend time" this evening. Maybe I'm just annoyed because of the weather. It is cold and rainy, reminding me that summer is over every time I look out the window. It is not a pleasant reminder.

mood swings

I came into work this morning and had the urge to check my horoscope. Many of you know that I do not like to check my horoscope because I have the distinct feeling that it leads to behavior, rather than diagnosing it, but after my mood shifts this weekend, I am looking for answers wherever they may be lurking.

Monday, September 10, 2007
Your emotions have been on a roller coaster ride, although you may attempt to keep them on the ground. Your moods transform faster than you can integrate them now that the Moon is back in your sign. Don't try to restrict your feelings or prevent them from morphing into something new. Just enjoy the rapidly changing landscape as best you can.

This horoscope definitely hit the nail on the head. I've been trying not to have a screaming fit, and that has taken much effort. This morning I wasn't angry anymore, but that has since passed. I am definitely not "enjoying the rapidly changing landscape" of my moods.

The weekend started out alright. The man and I had dinner and hung out for a bit Friday night. Then it went to shit. I went in to work for seven or so hours on Saturday while the man was hanging out with friends. But, then the friends decided to leave for only an hour when I was making dinner and they came back after we had finished eating. Long story short, the man's friends were at the house so much, the longest lapse was ten hours (and that is when we were sleeping). They show up a minimum of five days out of every seven, and it got to the point where I was about ready to move out yesterday.

The only good thing about Sunday was that the Packers won. Hallelujah! Other than that, I was in a bitchy mood and if the man had bothered to ask why I was in a bitchy mood, he would have likely had his balls ripped through his throat. But, oh yeah, it is impossible to ask your girlfriend a question or pay any attention to her whatsoever when you are surrounded by friends 15 hours out of the fucking day.

The man didn't bother to come upstairs until long after I had gone to bed, and when he did he was in a shitty mood himself, so I didn't bother raising the issue. I'm going to hold out on starting a fight until after next weekend since the man's mother will be visiting from Oklahoma for a few days and I'd like to avoid any awkwardness if possible. Plus, I'm giving him a week to get his shit straightened out, grow a fucking backbone, and say no to his stupid friends when they call asking to come over.

Happy fucking Monday.

matchbox twenty

I'm glad that Rob Thomas has decided to forego another solo album for the time being and go back to recording with Matchbox Twenty again. The Rob Thomas I remember from Matchbox Twenty, the one I had a crush on throughout my late teenage years, the one with tousled hair and black eyeliner and a slight bit pudgier.

Their new album is due out October 2. But...it is only "kind of" new. There are six new tracks and eleven "smash hits." This disappoints me to say the least. What the hell, I probably already own all the "smash hits" and I've been waiting for a number of years for new music (and not the pop-ridden crap Rob Thomas is putting out as a solo artist, or the guitar solo cum revival of Santana thing either).

Nevertheless, I am anticipating their new album and am somewhat impressed by the first single. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the new tracks are reminiscent of their earlier music.

things i want for jesus' birthday

Since I was pretty shitty at determining what I wanted for my birthday (which led to the man deciding I had said I wanted a Wii, which is great, except that we're on a wait list because there isn't on in the whole damned county), I've decided to start a Christmas list. I've always thought it odd that we get presents because it is someone else's birthday...but oh well, here it is: (Thank you Jesus.)

• CD: The oh-my-god Matchbox Twenty is back! (will write post about this soon) new cd entitled Exile on Mainstream to be dropped October 2, 2007 - that is, if I can wait until Christmas and not buy one for myself
• Book: Petite Pattern Book - Dots & Stripes by Bnn
• Software: Adobe Photoshop CS2 (I've not heard good things about CS3, so I'd rather wait until they have worked out the kinks - and I don't think anyone would spend $650 on me)
• Personal Care: Philosophy Pure Grace Soap and Water Set (via amazon.com or at Sephora)
• Furniture: Table Mate II (as seen on TV, or available at amazon.com) - I need a good laptop table so I don't bake my legs while using my laptop on the sofa
• Office Supplies: Environmental Friendly Staple-less Stapler - Silver Color (available here)
• Gadgets: Tempo Time Tags (available here) - I'd like to have one to stick to my sleeve when I go for walks and one for my briefcase so I can nonchalantly check the time during meetings

That's all for now. Keep in mind that this post is more for my records than it is for your amusement. Sorry. It's my website, I can be selfish if I want.

e.r. revisited

The man had to take the roommate to the E.R. again last night. This time, unlike last time (supposed food poisoning), was completely of the roommate's own doing. He got into a fight at the bar last night and ended up with a fractured clavicle and a big gash above his eye (all of which were described to me by the man, I do not care to fraternize with people who spend their time brawling). The event begs a few questions:

1. What was the roommate doing at a bar on a Monday night?
2. Who would fight with the roommate, who is approx. 6'5" and 300 lbs.?
3. What idiotic thing did the roommate do that caused the fight (probably hit on someone's girlfriend)?
4. Why didn't the roommate have his friends drive him to the E.R.? They drove him and his car back to the house at 12:45 AM.
5. Why did the roommate assume that the man would be willing to drive his sorry ass to the E.R. at nearly 1:00 in the morning?

I do not care enough to ask these questions, but I think it quite humorous that the roommate (who bounced his rent check again) had enough money to go to the bars seven out of the last ten nights. Quite humorous in the way that you laugh because something is so preposterous that you don't know what other action would be warranted.

older, but perhaps not wiser

I'm old(er). I don't really feel any different, and I believe that is the cause of my woe. I'm beginning to realize that my age and physical attributes will continue to deteriorate despite how young I feel. I'll admit it...I am vain. The thought of 30 strikes me as horrendous and fills me with despair. I like being in my 20s. I'm somewhat accomplished for being in my 20s, for my 30s, not so much. One can only hope that the next few years bring more highlights than lowlights so that I can add to my vita of "damn, I'm good" things.

s'mores anyone?

I just found out that August 30 is National Toasted Marshmallow Day! I guess I share my birthday with a holiday after all. Move over Cameron Diaz (also an Aug. 30 birthday girl), I now have a new claim to birthday-sharing fame. You can find info on events happening on your birthday here.

work rally

Today I had the pleasant surprise of a mini-party hosted by my lovely coworkers. There was a cake (of course with orange frosting), flowers, and gifts. For as much as we are stressed at work, people always try to do something special to show appreciation. I'm truly lucky to have such thoughtful coworkers.

But, gosh, am I happy I won't have to see them for five days. I'm taking tomorrow and Friday off from work, and Monday is Labor Day so I will be out of the office that day as well. As much as I like my coworkers, it is nice to not have to see them because it means I'm not at work!

I actually may end up coming in for a few hours on Friday, but that would be at my leisure. As for you, Internet, I am also taking a vacation from you for the weekend and won't be so much as logging on for the next five days. Have a happy holiday weekend!

maladies #4: long row to hoe

Well, it is lunchtime and I am back from my hour-long physical therapy appointment. As it turns out, the chiropractor did not, in fact, realign my pelvis and my legs were not, as a result, the same length. I didn't feel a whole lot of difference, other than the throbbing lower back pain, after that chiro appointment. Oh, and the throbbing, that was cake. This new throbbing from the various workouts I will be required to do daily (amounting in over 7 hours per week), they cause throbbing...and stabbing..and pulsing...and steam to come out of my ears and random "holy fuck"s to come out of my mouth.

No, the physical therapist was only moderately attractive, in an a-sexual way. I was restrained, and other than a few sharp breaths and winces, I did not overtly indicate that my muscles were being torn from their joints.

So, other than the pain that doesn't allow me to stand fully upright, I received a myriad of strength-training exercises and for the cost of only $24, "the Original McKenzie SuperRoll Deluxe Lumbar Support" pillow-thing. Not only does this product tout being both "sleek and comfortable," it also promises to "decrease discomfort of prolonged sitting." If it could decrease the discomfort of living and breathing and moving associated with today's session, I would marry it and bear its offspring...but no, it doesn't do that. Said "SuperRoll," as I like to call it, is to be used whenever I'm sitting for more than an hour. This would mean, all day at work, in the car, and when doing work at home. In other words, I might as well sew the damned thing to my back and have a grotesque hump of foam protruding from under my shirt, that is how tight we'll end up being.

I must say that I am more optimistic after this last appointment than I have been in a long time. And even though I see my therapist as a completely a-sexual fountain of healing, I do like him and he seems to genuinely want to help, which is a welcomed change from feeling like a medical experiment or another procedure to add to a medical resume. This is particularly good because I'll be seeing him on a weekly basis for what is looking to be an indefinite amount of time (as I progress, we may be able to cut down the appointments).

Alas, I do have a plan for at least 1.5 hours of my birthday: stretches twice a day and strength-training for my core "to fatigue." Woohoo dilly!

maladies #3: happy birthday?

I'll turn 26 in two days. I'm not going to lie and say that "age is just a number," though I do believe that in the case of my relationship with the man (who is eleven years my senior). Age is more than a number when you make the jump from early twenties to mid twenties and are knocking on the door of late twenties. Ah, yes, you think I'll be having a hard time of it when the thirties, forties, and fifties hit me, but I am still young enough to get away with a lack of foresight so pishaw on you.

As for an update on the hips...today I go to my first PT session this morning. Oh yippee. I'm not enthused, but am hoping that I will be able to get some sort of motivation from this first meeting. If nothing else, I hope that there is a positive spin (even if it is just getting more toned and has nothing to do with the pain subsiding, or if the physical trainer is hot - I am trying to lower the cynicism for the time being).

The unfortunate part of it, referring back to the age stuff, is that I woke up feeling like an octogenarian who had been mugged in an alley the night before. The weather changes are wreaking much havoc on the musculoskeletal system and I'm stiff and sore and ornery to boot. Oh, please let the physical trainer be good looking enough to help me to disarm the expletives that are bound to try to fly out of my mouth.

requiem for a dream

I realized this morning that I am not losing my mind. If you had asked me yesterday, I would have said I’d gone crazy, crazy cocoa puffs. I have dreamt of engagement/impending matrimony three nights in a row. I was worried that it might be my subconscious trying to tell me something, something that I should be hoping for, since I couldn’t quite figure out what else would have spurred on such a dream.

One of my thoughts about the impetus for the dreams was the man’s behavior as of late. He has been acting rather affectionate by normal standards. This is not to say that he normally is lacking in that department, but the past two weeks he has been more affectionate than normal, touting me as “the best girlfriend ever” to friends and coworkers.

So, in my dream world, I have been dreaming of becoming affianced. The man is rarely in my dreams in the physical sense, and sometimes I am looking in at someone I believe to be myself (and sometimes Sandra Bullock) so who the hell knows what that means. My upcoming birthday was another event I suspected as leading to the dreams. Both of which led me to think that I might really, deep down be hoping for a proposal, which is not at all like what my awake mind manifests as near-future milestones.

But, today, it was brought to my attention a reason that would have me thinking wedding bells that has nothing to do with either me or the man. Yay! My coworker friend is pressing her boyfriend for a ring/commitment. We’ve had lengthy discussions about this. I don’t know why I didn’t think about this before? Maybe because I’m selfish…maybe because I’m forgetful. But, either way, I’m out of the hot seat and am free to go on being merry and not thinking about being tied down or questioning my sanity in terms of up and deciding to follow societal norms of marriage. Whew…what a relief.

PS: This is not to say that I would never want to be married - but I don't think I (or we) have reached that point as of yet.

reasons why i'd rather be sleeping

• Technically, I'd already put in my hours for the week by Thursday afternoon, yet I'll be at work all day today.
• It has rained consistently for the past two weeks.
• I haven't been sleeping because the dog hates thunderstorms.
• I went out with coworkers for happy hour last night.
• On my way home from happy hour I had to swing past the ER to pick up the roommate who claimed to have food poisoning, but left shortly upon our return home to get McDonald's.
• I have taken on a couple side projects so have been working outside of real job.
• I went to see Becoming Jane on Wednesday night and have decided that there is a large chance that I'll die an unloved spinster at age 41.
• I'm tired.

proposal

Well, the man and I are set to reach another milestone. I have officially proposed that the man celebrate Christmas Day with my family up north. We have fashioned a plan to attend his grandma's Christmas Eve festivities and then head four hours north in the morning to spend the next few days drinking and being merry (just like Jesus would want). I'm glad that he has agreed to join me (and I have attended numerous events with his families) but I have never brought a significant other to a Christmas before so I'm concerned with the consequences. The only unmarried significant other to ever attend a Christmas had knocked up my cousin and they are now married.

Thus, the man's attendance may open the topic of matrimony to some of my nosier aunts and uncles. These relatives, the "inquisitive" ones, are the ones who don't know me well enough to realize that the answer is "none of your damn business, I'm happy living sinfully." The aunts and uncles who I do like know me well enough to realize that the likelihood that I'll be getting married anytime soon is as likely as Guam successfully overthrowing the US government.

I'm the sixth of nearly twenty grandchildren on my mom's side of the family. Of the six older than me, all but one are married. There are a couple younger than I who are already wed or affianced. As I said, I'm number six, and number five is my buffer. He doesn't appear to be settling down anytime soon, so as long as he decides to dodge the bullets, I too will be safe from impending wedlock. I don't look forward to the stigma of being that niece, the one who isn't married...you know, the twenty-something spinster. Not that I would consider getting legally coupled to avoid familial scrutiny as they've always considered me to be a little too alternatively minded for their tastes.

But, luckily, the couple of relatives who pry with their questions also depart early from the gathering and we may not have to put up with them at all if we strategically time our arrival.

I do realize that Jesus' birthday is many months away, but family is already asking whether or not I'll be in attendance and I have to give notice that I'll be attending +1 this year. Of course, given our track record, the plans may not work out, in which case I'd have to answer for why the man doesn't attend with me. I guess I'll be bombarded with questions either way, thank God the punch is spiked and there will be copious amounts of Brandy slush.