out from under

Happy Valentine's Day! I love you all from the bottom of the bloody, beating organ in my chest.

I think I'm finally out from under the funk I've been in for the past few weeks. We had a bit of sun yesterday and my spirits totally lifted. I looked out the window in my office and there was a tiny bit of sun peeking out from behind the clouds. I was so excited that you'd think I had just discovered fire. The sun finally made its break for it and was out the rest of the afternoon. Even though we've gone back to the drudgery of the greyness that is winter, I'm still in a good mood from basking in the wonderful sun yesterday.

In observance of the holiday, many of my coworkers have brought in baked goods. I brought in banana-flavored laffy taffy that I took out of the mixed candies I had purchased the man. All of the sugar is helping to keep my spirits up and I don't even like sweets that much.

I hope you all are able to take the opportunity to indulge yourselves today.

housebound

I'm depressed. I need the sun. The vitamins aren't cutting it anymore. I'm so stir crazy that I'm about to burst. I've said it before, but winter is too damned long. I need green grass and flip flops. And the sun! I need weather warmer than 0 degrees. I want to forget what wind chill is. It's only half-way through February and I've been on self-imposed house arrest because of the weather and poor driving conditions for over two months. I go to work, but that doesn't count. I've been spending over an hour and a half in the car every day. This must stop. I miss the days when I could get to work in fifteen minutes.

I'm whining, I know. But come on...we've gotten 80 inches of snow! That's over 6.5 feet! What kind of sick joke is this? My parents live in the "northwoods" and have only gotten half that much. This unprecedented snowfall is making me cranky. Argh!

objection...sustained

I'm afraid I may have angered a few of you with my recent post regarding the love day and diamonds. I honestly am shocked that people feel so strongly about what I had written. For that, I apologize and send a reminder that this blog is only my opinion on things and that I am not prescribing a point-of-view for anyone else. I also apologize for not publishing all comments - some of them hurt my feelings and I responded to them individually. This blog is just me writing about mundane crap and my ideas about life and things less important. Perhaps I should explain in better context why I feel as I do.

In that same vein, it was recently brought to my attention that I likely have clothing or products made by children in sweatshops and that I may have been hasty in spewing the reasons for my distaste for shiny rocks...err diamonds. This is true. I'm not sure where some of my clothing was produced, nor am I sure by whom. But, I will say that in the past two years I have made an effort to purchase handmade products from local vendors and also to purchase "green," environmentally-friendly, and sustainable alternatives. When I do buy objects from unsustainable resources, I try to buy used. I buy produce and select other items from farmers' markets. I seek out local vendors that are not part of franchises. I buy groceries from the local grocery store even though they don't have the best prices, but rather because they are locally owned and operated. I research stores and companies and try to avoid those that test on animals and that make shady references regarding production. I buy American when I can. I do what I can with the budget I have.

I must admit that I have often lived under the mindset that since I won't be spawning, I shouldn't be as concerned about environmental issues/events that will be more serious after I become ashes in the wind. Two things have prompted me to rethink that. The first is that I have a nephew now, and another nephew/niece on the way. Secondly, we've gotten over 79 inches of snow so far this season and that number could rise to as much as 100 by the end of April. That is seriously fucked up and I can't help but believe that our presence on Earth has made it all wonky. I'm not one to stimulate the economy on a regular basis. I buy the things I need when I need them, and little else. But now, I am more conscious of what I buy and what consequence each purchase might have.

I'm not going to spout the bullshit of what you do today will make a better tomorrow. I'm too selfish for that. I am more likely to do what I do today so that I can sleep at night with a clearer conscience. It is a personal choice and I'm not proselytizing. I just don't think I could be happy about my choices if I looked down at my hand and saw a big rock on my finger, knowing that someone may have suffered because of what I perceive as vanity. That doesn't mean I can't be happy for those who do like that kind of thing. Hell, I get giddy when I order office supplies...and I know a lot of people don't understand that. I just don't see the symbolism in that particular stone as others do, and I don't see the value, but I don't chastise them for how they feel either. I agree with the point that an object can remind you that you are loved and I think that is fabulous. I think that can be said about any object, smell, taste, memory. For those that have diamonds and love them, good for you! Seriously. If you have something from someone you love who loves you, then why would I be upset about that? I guess I could be upset if it is a rabbit carcass you hang around your neck...but that's a different topic completely.

And now I will step down from my soapbox.

judgement, flowers, and diamonds

As you may have noticed, my banner has changed to reflect the Valentine's Day holiday. I'm not a big follower of Valentine's Day fanfare, as some of my friends are. I celebrate Valentine's Day for Kristen, because it is her favorite holiday, whether she is single or coupled. Perhaps it is because she is more of a romantic than I. Or it could be her uncontrollable addiction to Brach's candy hearts.

I see it as more of a judgement day than a holiday. I actually found that I liked V-day more when I was single. When you are single, you don't get the invasive questions about what your other is going to do for you on Valentine's Day. People leave you alone, or you get even more goodies from friends because you are single and they don't think you'll be getting any love from anyone else. When you are coupled, people look at your empty work desk and ask probing questions like, "aren't you going to get flowers today?" or make a rude statement like "I guess someone forgot it was Valentine's Day." To be honest, I don't like receiving flowers. They will wilt and die. I don't care for chocolates. I prefer something more sustainable. People don't seem to understand that I would rather receive a potted plant than a flower.

Another V-day staple seems to be jewelry. And most women want diamonds. I don't see what all the fuss is about. pssst...it is a rock...from the ground. (And not to mention that someone in Africa may have been killed or abused when trying to mine the 1 karat stone on your ring finger that your other probably spent a month's salary to give you.) I don't like diamonds. They look like glass. When you really think about it, glass would make more sense than a diamond, given that people often justify the expenditure of diamonds by the symbolic nature of the stone. Diamonds are hard, they last forever. Glass is neither liquid, nor solid and it is easily broken, just like a relationship. Similarly, you can't define a relationship and one wrong move and you may break it forever. Relationships, like glass, take care to maintain. I like that symbolism better than the hard, unchanging diamond.

So, I doubt that Valentine's Day will be anything spectacular. I'm sure it will feel like any other day. I may be odd, but I don't celebrate anniversaries either. To be honest, the man and I don't have an anniversary and don't really know when we officially started dating. I guess all that sentimentality is lost on me.

But, if you still really want to woo me, office supplies may be a better choice.

alone

I'm at work. I'm the only person in the whole building. The only person. There is no one else here. At all. It's perfect. I get the feeling that I would like working completely alone. No interruptions. No idle chatter. No timesucks at all. Just me and my work. I'm definitely savoring this opportunity. I have only been here for 45 minutes and I have already gotten done what would normally take me three to four hours. It's fabulous. I had to come in to open the building for some classes which will start in about 30 minutes, but in the meantime I am alone.

When I really think about it, this is the first time I have been alone in a very, very long time. At home, the roommate is there 85% of the time and the animals are there 100% of the time - so I don't go solo at home ever. Sometimes I really miss having my own place all to myself. I wonder if that will ever go away.

access

I'm online at home right now. Barely. If you can call slow-ass dial-up being online. I've likely mentioned my issues with internet access from home before. Dial-up is our only option because we are the only house on our road and thus are too far from a "hub." Every neighbor we have, every house we can see from our house, they all have high-speed internet. We don't. We are in the stone age of internet connectivity. Our only option other than dial-up is satellite - and even with that the man would be unable to play video games online because of the the 1-2 second lag time. With that being the case, it is hardly justifiable to pay $100 for internet access that doesn't allow us to do what we want. So, instead I have decided to give up and pay $20 per month to wait for pages to load and downloads never to come through.

If I didn't love where we live, the near-privacy, the similarities to where I grew up, this would never work. I am not always at the forefront of technical gadgetry, but I could definitely use something better than 28.8 Kbps. Alas, at least if need be I can now work from home. Argh.

letter to winter 2

Dear Winter,

You are a motherfucking bastard. I write you a little bit of hatemail and you respond by slapping me in the face with your testicles to the tune of over 14 inches of snow, just to show me that you are all-powerful and to humble me while I pick pubes off my cheek. You are an evil, evil season. I was trying to be nice in my last letter, admitting to the grandeur and beauty of your snow...that is over. All that got me was a snowstorm larger than the area has seen since 1990. That is nearly twenty years. You sure are one hateful dickbag.

Insincerely,
Trish T.

first time in a long time

I finished a major project at work today. My project. A project that is utterly and completely of my own design and doing. It has been in progress for the past six months (including time when I was awaiting approvals, etc.). I can't even describe how good it felt to send it out and actually receive heaps of praise. This is a rarity in my job, where most of my time is spent waiting for the "powers that be" to approve things via processes that can take over a year. For the first time in what feels like ages, I will leave work feeling like a success rather than a failure.

when

I have now realized that marriage is likely an imminent event for me. Perhaps it is wrong to use a negatively connotated word like imminent, but that is how I feel - like I have something hanging over my head, and when I least expect it I will be crushed under its weight.

The man and I have settled quite comfortably into our semi-monthly spewing and regurgitation of love words. Not too much, not too little. We talk about the future as though we will always be together, but without any talk of committment in legal sense. Lately, however, I have been getting the feeling that the man is more open to the idea of matrimony. Why, you ask? Because of the pool of cess called Country Music Television. While eating dinner, we were forced to watch the crap that the roommate had chosen to watch (because the dining room and living room are one big room and we have a 40 inch TV). And so it came to be that we were introduced to the horror that is "My Redneck Wedding."

The bride rode in on a tractor. The ENTIRE wedding party wore camouflage. Not just a little camouflage, entire suits made of camouflage. They used taxidermy animals as decorations for their wedding - that they purposely brought to the reception - and served beans as the main course. I'm not one for pomp, but come on...if you are going to go through the trouble of wearing a suit, wear a fucking suit and not a camouflage jumper with a blaze orange hat. The groom gave the bride a pink rifle as a gift.

I thought this was horrible. The man thought it was amusing. He kept making comments like "I'm sure you'll kill me if I do that when we get married," and "You'd better be taking notes, because that that might be a good idea." And then there was the grinning...so much grinning. I am assuming that the grinning was in response to the look of horror on my face as I watched the trainwreck unfolding on the screen.

I am not jumping to conclusions and I fully realize that he may have just been acting stupid, but speaking of matrimony in this way is definitely odd. When I met the man he was the so adverse to marriage that it almost put me off. I would almost go so far as to say that he is bitter in regard to it. Personally, as I have mentioned before, I am not opposed to the option of marriage but I am not ready for it yet. I'd be better off with a very long engagement (think decades) so that I could ease into the marriage thing.

Am I over-analyzing? Perhaps. I won't lose any sleep in anticipation of a proposal, that's for sure. I am in no danger of this event approaching with any speed. It is the mere twinkle that it might be in the future that has triggered a disturbance in my happy little bubble of stability and comfort.

And to think, all this contemplation over a show where the final scene concludes with the groom asking the bride "Are you excited to go back to the hotel so we can constipate the marriage?"

how to elate me...

• offer to lock up the building so that I can leave on time and not have to worry about kicking out stragglers.
• get the mail without me calling to remind you that my contacts will be arriving and will freeze if left in the mailbox. (whew!)
• remind me that it is the first of the month and that I can finally change my lovely calendar to the next sheet.

how to perturb me...

• only scrape the snow and ice off of the windshield and front windows of your car, completely forgetting how you are a dumbass and may need to SEE BEHIND YOU. This makes you lazy, stupid, and dangerous.
• show up to work six hours after you should've been there and then give me a nasty look when I leave for the day (after having been at work for 8 hours).
• have the day off from work (make that the last 5 days off from work) and then ask me what is for dinner when I get home from the office.
• get your degree in meteorology, work for a major news station, and then when you explain the weather, use question marks behind what should be statements: Windy with a chance of flurries?...1-2" of snow?...Sunny?

taxes

My taxes are filed. I was able to e-file free of charge and the refunds will be deposited directly into my accounts. This makes me very happy. I wasn't able to file my state return electronically last year and it took me forever to get to a bank with the paper check. Now the money will be in my grubby little hands in the next 8-15 days. Woo hoo!

Okay, so the vast majority of it is going toward debt, but still...it is exciting for that brief moment that I see it in my bank account. And yes, it was fun and I am a dork.

letter to winter

Dear Winter,

I hate you. I think you suck, but not for the reasons you expect. I can bear the snow and the bad weather. It is something that I have come to understand and I can take precautions to make these things manageable. I can take a vacation day when you make the roads too treacherous to navigate and I can wear layer upon layer of clothing, turning me into an asexually rounded yeti. At least these things have advantages: I can stay home from work or avoid being hit on by unwanted suitors.

Rather, I hate you because of the way you make me feel. You make me numb in mind and body. You are accompanied by grey skies and gloom. You are as temperamental as a schizophrenic: one minute spewing snow from your steely clouds, the next firing lightning bolts and ice down from the heavens. If I were to admire anyone for anything, it would be for consistency in their work...of this you exhibit nothing but inconsistency. I hate that the meteorologists are incompetent at predicting your "episodes" and that there is no warning for your outbursts. You make me shiver with a death-like coldness that begins in the tip of my nose and runs through my body with the intensity of the first teenage "love" pangs. You make my boyfriend contort his body into a protective stance each time I come near him with my freezing "ice claws." You make me wish I hadn't been ordered to give up caffeine, and thus give up coffee and hot chocolate that used to warm my numbness. You make my bank account shrivel, but stretch at the same time, because of increasing fuel costs both for my car and to heat my house. You make the dog stand as though she were a tripod while trying to relieve herself in the bitter temperatures. You make me wish for warmer climates and a work-from-home job allowing me to be a shut-in and avoid you altogether. You make me hate the poets who have thought you worthy of putting pen to paper, the photographers who capture the first frost-covered mornings before the weight of your unsteady yet unrelenting fist has smashed upon the world, crushing out all hope and happiness. You make me curse the winter sport fanatics for wishing you would last longer, thus canceling out my own wishes that you'll pack up your shit and leave already. You make me yearn for spring, despite the odor of cow feces that will undoubtedly fill the air. You make me spend my time wishing for the future instead of enjoying the present, thus stealing precious time from my life (all the while realizing that this act is my own damned fault, for which I hate you even more).

Did I mention that I hate you, Winter. I do. From the bottom of my frozen, clicking heart.

Sincerely,
Trish T.

midwest

For all of my friends who have moved onward and outward from the Midwest, you are much smarter than I. I am pretty sure that half of my ass is still frozen to the leather seat in my car, thanks to the subzero wind chill of nearly -30 degrees. I really ought to get a seat cover.

For those of you who still suffer at the hands of Jack Frost (a man who, in my opinion, should be strung up by his balls, drenched with boiling water and left in the wintry hell he has created), you know my pain.

I doubt that I'll be moving anytime soon, but I am mulling over the possibility of branching out even farther from the nest. If I could afford a plane ticket home in the case of an emergency, I would feel more comfortable leaving the Midwest for places without 8 months of winter. I'm not sure that the man will ever leave WI again, but it may be time to plant the seed in his mind. A seed that will probably not break ground any time in this decade.

Don't get me wrong. There are many things I love about Wisconsin. (Minnesota, though, is a different story and I wouldn't move back there even if someone threatened to cut off all of my fingers with a grapefruit spoon.)

• I love the spring, summer, and fall.
• Trees.
• It is beautiful here.
• I live within 15 minutes of the capitol, but still live in the "country."
• I am close, but not too close, to family.
• There are many things to do, if I were to choose to do them.
• Cheese. Need I say more?

I hate the winter with a passion though. A passion strong enough to uproot me if we have to go through multiple winters like this one. I may be one of the very few people hoping for global warming (or at least its effect on winter in WI).

new CEO in the family

My nephew is already planning world domination. Perhaps I will let him invest my money for me. He's an ambitious kid, working at the ripe old age of 1.

time

Another quote that piqued my interest, in regard to time and the acts you perform to combat time, fill time, or escape it.

"We are weighed down, every moment, by the conception and sensation of Time. And there are but two means of escaping and forgetting this nightmare: pleasure and work. Pleasure consumes us. Work strengthens us. Let us choose."
-- Charles Baudelaire (a French poet)

short end

My mom e-mailed me today to see if I had gotten anything for Christmas from my grandpa. He generally gives us each an envelope with $10-20. I assumed that he wasn't doing that anymore as I didn't get anything. As it turns out, he just realized he has an extra envelope and I had been missed. I'm not upset about it, but it does leave me with an uneasy feeling of being forgotten...kind of like the time when my aunt drove away and left me at church in the middle of the winter when I was 7. I had to walk the four blocks to my grandparents' house, which wasn't a big deal. It was the being forgotten part that stung worse than having to walk through the snow in church shoes.

As it turns out, the State of Wisconsin has also forgotten me. I haven't received my tax forms in the mail this year. It is probably because they owe me money. It seems you are always least likely to hear from those you owe you some dough.

sophocles had it right

"The keenest sorrow is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause of all our
adversities." --Sophocles

I am feeling this quote quite personally when it comes to my tendency toward procrastination. I think we all dig ourselves into holes now and again. It takes a strong person to admit that you have no one to blame but yourself.

small favors

I went through all my desk drawers and completely re-evaluated the way I organize my home office. I found a gift card to Bath and Body Works from my 2006 birthday and an iTunes gift card from Christmas 2006. I had forgotten about both. I guess I'm not as broke as I thought...Yay!

foggy

I've been barely coherent for the past week. Despite my best efforts to avoid ailing coworkers, I seem to have caught the cold/flu that is running through the College. I'm on the mend, was out of the office on Tuesday because of the horrible headache and mind numbing sinus congestion. I think I'll be over it by the end of the weekend - because you know that I love wasting non-working days being ill. Chicken soup isn't working. Vitamin C didn't help ward off the sick. I eat at least one grapefruit every day, like clockwork, and it seems to have done nothing for me other than bathe my taste buds in deliciousness...no healing or preventative properties that I can speak of.

I went to the cardiologist yesterday to have him check my ticker out. Apparently, ticker is apropos because instead of the regular heartbeat sounds, mine includes a few extra ticks/clicks. This is not uncommon as 4% of women have a similar condition. It's something to do with my heart murmur, as are the episodes. Apparently, the mitrovalve prolapse (fancy word for my type of murmur) makes me more susceptible to heartbeat fuck-ups. In other words: my episodes will continue, they won't kill me, aren't really dangerous and could be tempered by medication if I were so inclined. I am not so inclined. I can live with my erratic heartbeat knowing that I'm not dying as a result. I've had to have a chest echo and CT scan. Once the results are in the doctor will be sending me any additional instructions (and I hopefully won't have to go back).

Also coming out of yesterday's appointment is a call for a major lifestyle change. I'm going to have to up my aerobic activity - much of my PT stuff is weight training - and thus, am in the market for a recumbent bike (which has been okayed as a form of exercise by my physical therapist). I'm supposed to watch my diet (maybe try to lower my cholesterol, which is on the high end of normal). I guess I won't be eating a steady diet of cheeseburgers and chips anymore.

I am fine, I have more and less on my plate. Less to worry about, more to do. It's all manageable, but right now I'm just tired and wishing that my cold would go away.