fragile

I'm at work, despite not feeling well due to some sort of cold/flu that hasn't quite manifested itself fully yet and the heartburn that kept me awake all but two hours last night. I'm assuming the heartburn is stress-related and despite the fact that I have chewed about 20 Tums in the past 12 hours, it is still rearing its ugly head. In my sleep-deprived haze last night I actually thought that I could burn someone if I opened my mouth too close to them. As a result, I wouldn't face the man, because I like his face and wouldn't want to burn it off with the fire coming up through my throat.

My friend Kristen's grandmother once referred to me as fragile or delicate or something like that. I am not so sure about those terms, they make me laugh when used in reference to me, but I have to admit that I am not made of steel. I think it is the stubbornness that is plaguing me, causing me to get so stressed out that I end up getting sick. Despite all the issues that I have had in terms of my health, I still feel like I am ten feet tall and bulletproof sometimes. The constant pain and the cold that won't go away are forcing me to face the realization that I'm not as strong as I thought. But if you call me a delicate flower I might have to kick you in your naughties or breathe that fire out of my throat in your direction. I'd let you pick.

lagging

I'm exhausted. The bad thing is that I have done nothing fun to make me exhausted. No out of the ordinary sex marathons, no marathons that include running, no marathons that include drinking...only work. And more work. And after that, yeah, there was more fucking work. I've never been so happy for Wednesday to come, even though I know I'll be at work at least 12 hours, at least it is halfway through the week.

While I'll never understand why people want children so badly, I do understand that what I'm experiencing in terms of feeling overworked and underpaid is nothing in comparison to having to take care of the creature you pushed out of your body. At least I can throw some food in a dish on the floor and take a nap (in regard to the animals, of course, the man can get his own damned food so I can take a nap). But...in terms of longevity and capability, a kid would be around long enough to learn how to make me dinner... Nah, I don't have the patience for that. Never mind that I would have to PUSH THE KID OUT OF MY BODY before it could learn anything.

Why am I rambling? Why am I asking myself questions? It's because I'm on the verge of the flu and have been working on too many projects in too short a time frame. If I don't make any sense, then just be glad that I won't be reproducing. I don't think the world is read for the antics and crankiness of a mini-Trish.

new music monday

I'm loving Minuit. They are a band out of New Zealand and have a kick-ass Website. You should check it out if you have a few minutes to spare. It's interactive and you can "talk" to whomever else is on the site. Check it out.

sadness in the frozen tundra

Today Brett Favre announced his retirement. It is a sad day for Packer fans. I am amongst those who are grieving the loss. I can unabashedly say that I love Brett Favre and how happy and angry he made me feel throughout 16 years of autumnal Sundays, and the occasional Monday night. Perhaps I'm crazy, but I am totally going to miss that man. Adieu.

snowslut

Yesterday was gorgeous. It was 40+ degrees outside, sunny, not too windy...glorious. I built a snowperson. A snow-woman, actually. Sidenote: I've noticed lately that the disgusting pigman dickbag roommate is throwing cigarette butts off the porch and into my currently snow-covered garden. As I have said before...he is both a slovenly assnasty and a stupid moron. This annoys me and I don't like him...but I do tolerate him. I felt a bit snarky yesterday and thought a tiny retaliation was in order. This brings us back to my snowchick. I made her overweight, smoking a cigarette, and with droopy boobies. (Wait for it...there is a reason.) I then informed the roommate that I met a woman that I thought he even had a chance of getting with. All that was missing was a case of herpes. And that she was outside waiting for him. The man and I were thoroughly amused, the roommate slightly less so. I wonder why.

how to perturb me

• Make me feel guilty for not putting in overtime. Overtime that I won't get paid for. It is not my fault that you are never in the damned office.
• Ask me if I want paper of plastic, and when I say paper, give me plastic anyway.
• Put the silverware in the wrong slots in the drawer. How hard is it to distinguish between a fork and a spoon? I bet they would both hurt if I tried to use them to gouge out your eyes, but their aren't many other similarities.

something to look forward to

I'm excited. There is a new Counting Crows album coming out, Saturday Nights and Sunday Mornings, on March 25, 2008. Yay! I knew they were releasing a new album, but I thought it was slated for later in the year. I believe I will indulge myself and pre-order it today.

missing...

As it worked out, there was not bad weather (at least not bad enough to warrant the amount of time various weather people spent warning us of the potential storm and telling us to avoid travel because we would likely die if we left the safety of our homes). There was no real storm. They fucked up, plain and simple, and freaked the citizens of southern WI out for no apparent reason other than that weather people feed off the fear and terror of normal people. And they are evil bastards. Anyway, the man had to work (and the dirtbag, piece-of-shit roommate was also gone somewhere) so I had the house to myself, not counting the cat and dog. It was bliss.

Seriously, it was fabulous beyond description. I was able to keep the house clean for multiple hours at a time...make lots of noise without worrying about other people...walk around in various levels of undress without fear of the dickbag roommate appearing in his usual pervertedness...work on projects without the man coming up behind me thinking that I look cute while concentrating and trying to get randy. It was like living alone again.

Oh, how I sometimes yearn for the years I spent living alone before I became we. No people unless I wanted people. The whole bed to myself. All of it. And I didn't have to worry about maneuvering through a mountain of dirty clothes to get to the bedroom door. There were bags of chips that didn't disappear mere hours after they were brought home (unless I, myself, made them disappear). Yes, I was lonely at times, but it was wonderful. I was carefree.

The man knows that I sometimes miss living alone; I think he does, too. It has been longer since he lived alone than I, so I imagine that he has nearly forgotten the luxury of having his own place. We have our own areas, places where the other doesn't venture often, that give us some semblance of privacy...but it isn't the same. I have come to the conclusion that you have to love someone so much that you are willing to go through the rest of your life without experiencing the nirvana that is living alone. Or, you have to be stubborn to the point that you will not admit that you would rather live by yourself. One or the other, I imagine.

For as much as I miss living on my own, though, I don't think I would want to live apart from the man. This bothers me. It makes me feel old. I wonder if this feeling ever goes away, the fear of being adult...the fear of having to say goodbye to your youth to embrace the future? I'm not sure I want to know.

personal day

I'm going to be taking a personal day off from work tomorrow. It isn't really for "personal" reasons. I am taking the day off because I don't want to worry about traveling on the dangerous roads as we receive upwards of 8 inches of snow, sleet, and ice over the next day. Yes, I'm taking the day off due to weather. No, it doesn't make me happy. I'd much rather be taking the day off to do fun and exciting vacation-type things. I don't think I've taken more than two days off from work for things like that ever. I need to get a life.

The good thing is that because of the nature of his job, the man will be home as well (due to inclement weather). If I'm going to be housebound, I'm glad that he'll be stuck at home with me.

the end

I'm done with work. I'm officially off the clock for the week. It is a grand feeling. A freeing feeling. This week has felt as though it would never end. But it has. And, it is sunny outside. I dare to say that it even looks like it will not kill be to spend more time outdoors than what it takes to get from the car to the building. Perhaps I will take the mongrel-beast-animal named Jammer out for a walk when I get home. Or, I will stand on the porch, basking in the sun while she runs crazily around the yard.

For as much as I hate long weeks, I love them for the simple fact that I feel so unbelievably happy when they are over. The kind of happiness that you felt as a child when summer vacation came...but this is better because it happens on a weekly basis. A horrible work week is not like some awful things are, the things that when I am finished, I look back and think "that wasn't so bad." A bad work weeks is different because...it is that bad. And I am glad that it is over. Really glad. Genuinely glad. So glad that I want to rip my shirt off and run around jumping for joy as though I had just won the World Cup. But I won't celebrate like that because it would be awkward and uncomfortable. What I will do is start what has the possibility of turning out to be an awful work week on Monday.

In the meantime, I will enjoy the reprieve that is the weekend. I hope you do the same.

neither rain, nor sleet, nor gloom of night...

I just bought stamps online. It is the best thing since the invention of sex. You go to the USPS site, find the stamps you want, pay online, then wait for them to show up in the mail (free shipping). I don't know why I didn't know about this sooner. It is amazing. No waiting in line. No grumpy postal workers. No hours of operation that you can't possibly abide by. I'm hooked. Thank you USPS.

invigorated

I'm going to be painting the office this weekend. For real. I've decided that I need to make an area for myself that is both aesthetically appealing and conducive to work. While I was hoping to wait until spring, I now realize that in terms of my timeline for thesis completion, I'm going to have to schedule time daily and/or weekly to reach my deadline. If I'm going to be spending all of this time working, I'd like to work in a home office that is serene and not stark white with random shit stored here and there.

While these tasks are already making me weary, I know that it is time to buckle down and pull my head out of my ass. I have a new coworker with a background in rhetoric who has been monumentally useful in jumpstarting my project. She allows me to bounce ideas off of her and offers criticism in such a way that I am left to ponder a solution, rather than leaving me irritable and hurt. Best of all, we can converse face-to-face. I think one of my major problems was the divide left by communication via e-mail and phone.

I think I'm actually making progress. Her arrival not only cut my workload back to manageable proportions, but also gives me a "mentor," so to speak.

letter to netflix

Dear Netflix,

I thoroughly enjoy your movie delivery service. I signed up for membership two years ago, and in the months since I have saved both money and time. I also have taken advantage of your discounted movie prices and have purchased a number of my favorites for significantly less than I could elsewhere. I thank you for that. You have suggested a number of movies that have been added to my all-time favorite list. You have also suggested a number of awful movies that have prompted my boyfriend to threaten never to watch a movie I have selected again. (What makes you think I'd be into sex-mongers and crackheads? I get a couple independent films and now you can't get your mind out of the gutter...shame on you.) I will forgive you for that because you are not human, and therefore even more fallible in my opinion. If you were human, I would light a bag of dog shit on fire on your doormat for each craptastic movie you have sent my way. But, you are not, so we don't need to go there.

My concern is that you only seem to care about the new customer. Why, when I go to your site to check on my queue, is the "Member Sign In" button relegated to the upper left hand corner while the new member option is the whole damned page? Isn't my money good enough for you? Why do you have to treat me like the red-headed stepchild sent to the corner when I never did anything wrong? I am assuming it is because you are a money-hungry bitch and that once a customer signs their contract they are out of your mind. You are like a shark, lusting for the new kill and instantly forgetting the previous meal. You ask me to rate the quality of your service, pretending to care about my opinion, yet every time I open the site I'm sent back to the fucking corner.

Again, thank you for your quick turnaround time and otherwise stellar performance. Please move the damned button to a more prominent place on your screen. On second thought, the ding-dong-ditch dog shit thing might not be such a bad idea.

Sincerely,
Trish T.

working for the presidents

Today is Wisconsin's primary election. I must admit that I am a bit torn. Philosophically, I believe a woman is capable of being president, I believe a woman should be president...unfortunately, I'm not so sure that this woman should be president. I'm wavering between Obama and Clinton.

I guess I can say that I want hope. And I want a payoff. I don't want empty promises that aren't delivered. I want change. Yes, Clinton is best set to hit the ground running. But there are some issues that I can't back (e.g. mandated health care). Obama is inspirational and ignites passion in the voters. It is a hard choice.

Also, my decision will be somewhat based on money. I know what I want. The presidents are supposed to work for us, yet we are all working for the presidents (aka figures on the dollars we earn). Our hard-earned money is being used by the very people who should be working for us. Our nation is built on the idea that the government should fear its people, not the other way around. Right now we are stuck with a president who has tripled (yes, tripled) our national deficit during his two terms in office and we are on the heels of recession. I don't see how any of that is in our best interests.

Along that vein, in my research I have found more comfort in Obama's plan to stimulate the economy and help the middle class. His policies seem tangible, while I have found Clinton's to lack substance. Both have the same end goal, but their approaches are different.

Clinton has run a very negative campaign. She uses rhetoric spouting "I," "I," "I." Obama offers hope to the American people and uses "you," and "we" in his speeches, knowing that he is working for us. As there isn't much difference between the end goals of their respective policies, I'm afraid that I have to err on the side of character and choose Obama. I have until 5:00 this evening (when I hit the polls) to make my final decision. I'm sure I'll be waffling until then.

Of course, you may not agree. Hell, I may not agree. I'll just have to wait to see how many times my mind changes before 5:00 pm.

waiting...

Today has been one of the longest workdays I've had in a long time. My boss was out of the office, of which I wasn't informed. Apparently, him just not showing up is all the notice I get (and I know there has not been any kind of emergency keeping him from the office). Oh well. The projects that need approval will have to wait until next week.

I'm going to go see the movie Juno with a coworker tonight. We have been trying to see it for the past month, but inclement weather has thwarted all attempts at scheduling. I'm quite excited to finally watch it.

Waiting being the theme of the day, it seems that I will also be waiting for new episodes of Pushing Daisies to air, according to a TV Guide listing of when many primetime shows will be airing fresh episodes now that the writers' strike has ended. Alas, it is a long wait until next fall, but if this damned winter ever ends I'll be able to spend my time doing things more worthwhile than sitting on my ass in front of the television.

Thank God...only fifteen more minutes until I leave for the theater.

out from under

Happy Valentine's Day! I love you all from the bottom of the bloody, beating organ in my chest.

I think I'm finally out from under the funk I've been in for the past few weeks. We had a bit of sun yesterday and my spirits totally lifted. I looked out the window in my office and there was a tiny bit of sun peeking out from behind the clouds. I was so excited that you'd think I had just discovered fire. The sun finally made its break for it and was out the rest of the afternoon. Even though we've gone back to the drudgery of the greyness that is winter, I'm still in a good mood from basking in the wonderful sun yesterday.

In observance of the holiday, many of my coworkers have brought in baked goods. I brought in banana-flavored laffy taffy that I took out of the mixed candies I had purchased the man. All of the sugar is helping to keep my spirits up and I don't even like sweets that much.

I hope you all are able to take the opportunity to indulge yourselves today.

housebound

I'm depressed. I need the sun. The vitamins aren't cutting it anymore. I'm so stir crazy that I'm about to burst. I've said it before, but winter is too damned long. I need green grass and flip flops. And the sun! I need weather warmer than 0 degrees. I want to forget what wind chill is. It's only half-way through February and I've been on self-imposed house arrest because of the weather and poor driving conditions for over two months. I go to work, but that doesn't count. I've been spending over an hour and a half in the car every day. This must stop. I miss the days when I could get to work in fifteen minutes.

I'm whining, I know. But come on...we've gotten 80 inches of snow! That's over 6.5 feet! What kind of sick joke is this? My parents live in the "northwoods" and have only gotten half that much. This unprecedented snowfall is making me cranky. Argh!

objection...sustained

I'm afraid I may have angered a few of you with my recent post regarding the love day and diamonds. I honestly am shocked that people feel so strongly about what I had written. For that, I apologize and send a reminder that this blog is only my opinion on things and that I am not prescribing a point-of-view for anyone else. I also apologize for not publishing all comments - some of them hurt my feelings and I responded to them individually. This blog is just me writing about mundane crap and my ideas about life and things less important. Perhaps I should explain in better context why I feel as I do.

In that same vein, it was recently brought to my attention that I likely have clothing or products made by children in sweatshops and that I may have been hasty in spewing the reasons for my distaste for shiny rocks...err diamonds. This is true. I'm not sure where some of my clothing was produced, nor am I sure by whom. But, I will say that in the past two years I have made an effort to purchase handmade products from local vendors and also to purchase "green," environmentally-friendly, and sustainable alternatives. When I do buy objects from unsustainable resources, I try to buy used. I buy produce and select other items from farmers' markets. I seek out local vendors that are not part of franchises. I buy groceries from the local grocery store even though they don't have the best prices, but rather because they are locally owned and operated. I research stores and companies and try to avoid those that test on animals and that make shady references regarding production. I buy American when I can. I do what I can with the budget I have.

I must admit that I have often lived under the mindset that since I won't be spawning, I shouldn't be as concerned about environmental issues/events that will be more serious after I become ashes in the wind. Two things have prompted me to rethink that. The first is that I have a nephew now, and another nephew/niece on the way. Secondly, we've gotten over 79 inches of snow so far this season and that number could rise to as much as 100 by the end of April. That is seriously fucked up and I can't help but believe that our presence on Earth has made it all wonky. I'm not one to stimulate the economy on a regular basis. I buy the things I need when I need them, and little else. But now, I am more conscious of what I buy and what consequence each purchase might have.

I'm not going to spout the bullshit of what you do today will make a better tomorrow. I'm too selfish for that. I am more likely to do what I do today so that I can sleep at night with a clearer conscience. It is a personal choice and I'm not proselytizing. I just don't think I could be happy about my choices if I looked down at my hand and saw a big rock on my finger, knowing that someone may have suffered because of what I perceive as vanity. That doesn't mean I can't be happy for those who do like that kind of thing. Hell, I get giddy when I order office supplies...and I know a lot of people don't understand that. I just don't see the symbolism in that particular stone as others do, and I don't see the value, but I don't chastise them for how they feel either. I agree with the point that an object can remind you that you are loved and I think that is fabulous. I think that can be said about any object, smell, taste, memory. For those that have diamonds and love them, good for you! Seriously. If you have something from someone you love who loves you, then why would I be upset about that? I guess I could be upset if it is a rabbit carcass you hang around your neck...but that's a different topic completely.

And now I will step down from my soapbox.

judgement, flowers, and diamonds

As you may have noticed, my banner has changed to reflect the Valentine's Day holiday. I'm not a big follower of Valentine's Day fanfare, as some of my friends are. I celebrate Valentine's Day for Kristen, because it is her favorite holiday, whether she is single or coupled. Perhaps it is because she is more of a romantic than I. Or it could be her uncontrollable addiction to Brach's candy hearts.

I see it as more of a judgement day than a holiday. I actually found that I liked V-day more when I was single. When you are single, you don't get the invasive questions about what your other is going to do for you on Valentine's Day. People leave you alone, or you get even more goodies from friends because you are single and they don't think you'll be getting any love from anyone else. When you are coupled, people look at your empty work desk and ask probing questions like, "aren't you going to get flowers today?" or make a rude statement like "I guess someone forgot it was Valentine's Day." To be honest, I don't like receiving flowers. They will wilt and die. I don't care for chocolates. I prefer something more sustainable. People don't seem to understand that I would rather receive a potted plant than a flower.

Another V-day staple seems to be jewelry. And most women want diamonds. I don't see what all the fuss is about. pssst...it is a rock...from the ground. (And not to mention that someone in Africa may have been killed or abused when trying to mine the 1 karat stone on your ring finger that your other probably spent a month's salary to give you.) I don't like diamonds. They look like glass. When you really think about it, glass would make more sense than a diamond, given that people often justify the expenditure of diamonds by the symbolic nature of the stone. Diamonds are hard, they last forever. Glass is neither liquid, nor solid and it is easily broken, just like a relationship. Similarly, you can't define a relationship and one wrong move and you may break it forever. Relationships, like glass, take care to maintain. I like that symbolism better than the hard, unchanging diamond.

So, I doubt that Valentine's Day will be anything spectacular. I'm sure it will feel like any other day. I may be odd, but I don't celebrate anniversaries either. To be honest, the man and I don't have an anniversary and don't really know when we officially started dating. I guess all that sentimentality is lost on me.

But, if you still really want to woo me, office supplies may be a better choice.

alone

I'm at work. I'm the only person in the whole building. The only person. There is no one else here. At all. It's perfect. I get the feeling that I would like working completely alone. No interruptions. No idle chatter. No timesucks at all. Just me and my work. I'm definitely savoring this opportunity. I have only been here for 45 minutes and I have already gotten done what would normally take me three to four hours. It's fabulous. I had to come in to open the building for some classes which will start in about 30 minutes, but in the meantime I am alone.

When I really think about it, this is the first time I have been alone in a very, very long time. At home, the roommate is there 85% of the time and the animals are there 100% of the time - so I don't go solo at home ever. Sometimes I really miss having my own place all to myself. I wonder if that will ever go away.

access

I'm online at home right now. Barely. If you can call slow-ass dial-up being online. I've likely mentioned my issues with internet access from home before. Dial-up is our only option because we are the only house on our road and thus are too far from a "hub." Every neighbor we have, every house we can see from our house, they all have high-speed internet. We don't. We are in the stone age of internet connectivity. Our only option other than dial-up is satellite - and even with that the man would be unable to play video games online because of the the 1-2 second lag time. With that being the case, it is hardly justifiable to pay $100 for internet access that doesn't allow us to do what we want. So, instead I have decided to give up and pay $20 per month to wait for pages to load and downloads never to come through.

If I didn't love where we live, the near-privacy, the similarities to where I grew up, this would never work. I am not always at the forefront of technical gadgetry, but I could definitely use something better than 28.8 Kbps. Alas, at least if need be I can now work from home. Argh.

letter to winter 2

Dear Winter,

You are a motherfucking bastard. I write you a little bit of hatemail and you respond by slapping me in the face with your testicles to the tune of over 14 inches of snow, just to show me that you are all-powerful and to humble me while I pick pubes off my cheek. You are an evil, evil season. I was trying to be nice in my last letter, admitting to the grandeur and beauty of your snow...that is over. All that got me was a snowstorm larger than the area has seen since 1990. That is nearly twenty years. You sure are one hateful dickbag.

Insincerely,
Trish T.

first time in a long time

I finished a major project at work today. My project. A project that is utterly and completely of my own design and doing. It has been in progress for the past six months (including time when I was awaiting approvals, etc.). I can't even describe how good it felt to send it out and actually receive heaps of praise. This is a rarity in my job, where most of my time is spent waiting for the "powers that be" to approve things via processes that can take over a year. For the first time in what feels like ages, I will leave work feeling like a success rather than a failure.

when

I have now realized that marriage is likely an imminent event for me. Perhaps it is wrong to use a negatively connotated word like imminent, but that is how I feel - like I have something hanging over my head, and when I least expect it I will be crushed under its weight.

The man and I have settled quite comfortably into our semi-monthly spewing and regurgitation of love words. Not too much, not too little. We talk about the future as though we will always be together, but without any talk of committment in legal sense. Lately, however, I have been getting the feeling that the man is more open to the idea of matrimony. Why, you ask? Because of the pool of cess called Country Music Television. While eating dinner, we were forced to watch the crap that the roommate had chosen to watch (because the dining room and living room are one big room and we have a 40 inch TV). And so it came to be that we were introduced to the horror that is "My Redneck Wedding."

The bride rode in on a tractor. The ENTIRE wedding party wore camouflage. Not just a little camouflage, entire suits made of camouflage. They used taxidermy animals as decorations for their wedding - that they purposely brought to the reception - and served beans as the main course. I'm not one for pomp, but come on...if you are going to go through the trouble of wearing a suit, wear a fucking suit and not a camouflage jumper with a blaze orange hat. The groom gave the bride a pink rifle as a gift.

I thought this was horrible. The man thought it was amusing. He kept making comments like "I'm sure you'll kill me if I do that when we get married," and "You'd better be taking notes, because that that might be a good idea." And then there was the grinning...so much grinning. I am assuming that the grinning was in response to the look of horror on my face as I watched the trainwreck unfolding on the screen.

I am not jumping to conclusions and I fully realize that he may have just been acting stupid, but speaking of matrimony in this way is definitely odd. When I met the man he was the so adverse to marriage that it almost put me off. I would almost go so far as to say that he is bitter in regard to it. Personally, as I have mentioned before, I am not opposed to the option of marriage but I am not ready for it yet. I'd be better off with a very long engagement (think decades) so that I could ease into the marriage thing.

Am I over-analyzing? Perhaps. I won't lose any sleep in anticipation of a proposal, that's for sure. I am in no danger of this event approaching with any speed. It is the mere twinkle that it might be in the future that has triggered a disturbance in my happy little bubble of stability and comfort.

And to think, all this contemplation over a show where the final scene concludes with the groom asking the bride "Are you excited to go back to the hotel so we can constipate the marriage?"

how to elate me...

• offer to lock up the building so that I can leave on time and not have to worry about kicking out stragglers.
• get the mail without me calling to remind you that my contacts will be arriving and will freeze if left in the mailbox. (whew!)
• remind me that it is the first of the month and that I can finally change my lovely calendar to the next sheet.

how to perturb me...

• only scrape the snow and ice off of the windshield and front windows of your car, completely forgetting how you are a dumbass and may need to SEE BEHIND YOU. This makes you lazy, stupid, and dangerous.
• show up to work six hours after you should've been there and then give me a nasty look when I leave for the day (after having been at work for 8 hours).
• have the day off from work (make that the last 5 days off from work) and then ask me what is for dinner when I get home from the office.
• get your degree in meteorology, work for a major news station, and then when you explain the weather, use question marks behind what should be statements: Windy with a chance of flurries?...1-2" of snow?...Sunny?

taxes

My taxes are filed. I was able to e-file free of charge and the refunds will be deposited directly into my accounts. This makes me very happy. I wasn't able to file my state return electronically last year and it took me forever to get to a bank with the paper check. Now the money will be in my grubby little hands in the next 8-15 days. Woo hoo!

Okay, so the vast majority of it is going toward debt, but still...it is exciting for that brief moment that I see it in my bank account. And yes, it was fun and I am a dork.

letter to winter

Dear Winter,

I hate you. I think you suck, but not for the reasons you expect. I can bear the snow and the bad weather. It is something that I have come to understand and I can take precautions to make these things manageable. I can take a vacation day when you make the roads too treacherous to navigate and I can wear layer upon layer of clothing, turning me into an asexually rounded yeti. At least these things have advantages: I can stay home from work or avoid being hit on by unwanted suitors.

Rather, I hate you because of the way you make me feel. You make me numb in mind and body. You are accompanied by grey skies and gloom. You are as temperamental as a schizophrenic: one minute spewing snow from your steely clouds, the next firing lightning bolts and ice down from the heavens. If I were to admire anyone for anything, it would be for consistency in their work...of this you exhibit nothing but inconsistency. I hate that the meteorologists are incompetent at predicting your "episodes" and that there is no warning for your outbursts. You make me shiver with a death-like coldness that begins in the tip of my nose and runs through my body with the intensity of the first teenage "love" pangs. You make my boyfriend contort his body into a protective stance each time I come near him with my freezing "ice claws." You make me wish I hadn't been ordered to give up caffeine, and thus give up coffee and hot chocolate that used to warm my numbness. You make my bank account shrivel, but stretch at the same time, because of increasing fuel costs both for my car and to heat my house. You make the dog stand as though she were a tripod while trying to relieve herself in the bitter temperatures. You make me wish for warmer climates and a work-from-home job allowing me to be a shut-in and avoid you altogether. You make me hate the poets who have thought you worthy of putting pen to paper, the photographers who capture the first frost-covered mornings before the weight of your unsteady yet unrelenting fist has smashed upon the world, crushing out all hope and happiness. You make me curse the winter sport fanatics for wishing you would last longer, thus canceling out my own wishes that you'll pack up your shit and leave already. You make me yearn for spring, despite the odor of cow feces that will undoubtedly fill the air. You make me spend my time wishing for the future instead of enjoying the present, thus stealing precious time from my life (all the while realizing that this act is my own damned fault, for which I hate you even more).

Did I mention that I hate you, Winter. I do. From the bottom of my frozen, clicking heart.

Sincerely,
Trish T.

midwest

For all of my friends who have moved onward and outward from the Midwest, you are much smarter than I. I am pretty sure that half of my ass is still frozen to the leather seat in my car, thanks to the subzero wind chill of nearly -30 degrees. I really ought to get a seat cover.

For those of you who still suffer at the hands of Jack Frost (a man who, in my opinion, should be strung up by his balls, drenched with boiling water and left in the wintry hell he has created), you know my pain.

I doubt that I'll be moving anytime soon, but I am mulling over the possibility of branching out even farther from the nest. If I could afford a plane ticket home in the case of an emergency, I would feel more comfortable leaving the Midwest for places without 8 months of winter. I'm not sure that the man will ever leave WI again, but it may be time to plant the seed in his mind. A seed that will probably not break ground any time in this decade.

Don't get me wrong. There are many things I love about Wisconsin. (Minnesota, though, is a different story and I wouldn't move back there even if someone threatened to cut off all of my fingers with a grapefruit spoon.)

• I love the spring, summer, and fall.
• Trees.
• It is beautiful here.
• I live within 15 minutes of the capitol, but still live in the "country."
• I am close, but not too close, to family.
• There are many things to do, if I were to choose to do them.
• Cheese. Need I say more?

I hate the winter with a passion though. A passion strong enough to uproot me if we have to go through multiple winters like this one. I may be one of the very few people hoping for global warming (or at least its effect on winter in WI).

new CEO in the family

My nephew is already planning world domination. Perhaps I will let him invest my money for me. He's an ambitious kid, working at the ripe old age of 1.

time

Another quote that piqued my interest, in regard to time and the acts you perform to combat time, fill time, or escape it.

"We are weighed down, every moment, by the conception and sensation of Time. And there are but two means of escaping and forgetting this nightmare: pleasure and work. Pleasure consumes us. Work strengthens us. Let us choose."
-- Charles Baudelaire (a French poet)

short end

My mom e-mailed me today to see if I had gotten anything for Christmas from my grandpa. He generally gives us each an envelope with $10-20. I assumed that he wasn't doing that anymore as I didn't get anything. As it turns out, he just realized he has an extra envelope and I had been missed. I'm not upset about it, but it does leave me with an uneasy feeling of being forgotten...kind of like the time when my aunt drove away and left me at church in the middle of the winter when I was 7. I had to walk the four blocks to my grandparents' house, which wasn't a big deal. It was the being forgotten part that stung worse than having to walk through the snow in church shoes.

As it turns out, the State of Wisconsin has also forgotten me. I haven't received my tax forms in the mail this year. It is probably because they owe me money. It seems you are always least likely to hear from those you owe you some dough.

sophocles had it right

"The keenest sorrow is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause of all our
adversities." --Sophocles

I am feeling this quote quite personally when it comes to my tendency toward procrastination. I think we all dig ourselves into holes now and again. It takes a strong person to admit that you have no one to blame but yourself.

small favors

I went through all my desk drawers and completely re-evaluated the way I organize my home office. I found a gift card to Bath and Body Works from my 2006 birthday and an iTunes gift card from Christmas 2006. I had forgotten about both. I guess I'm not as broke as I thought...Yay!

foggy

I've been barely coherent for the past week. Despite my best efforts to avoid ailing coworkers, I seem to have caught the cold/flu that is running through the College. I'm on the mend, was out of the office on Tuesday because of the horrible headache and mind numbing sinus congestion. I think I'll be over it by the end of the weekend - because you know that I love wasting non-working days being ill. Chicken soup isn't working. Vitamin C didn't help ward off the sick. I eat at least one grapefruit every day, like clockwork, and it seems to have done nothing for me other than bathe my taste buds in deliciousness...no healing or preventative properties that I can speak of.

I went to the cardiologist yesterday to have him check my ticker out. Apparently, ticker is apropos because instead of the regular heartbeat sounds, mine includes a few extra ticks/clicks. This is not uncommon as 4% of women have a similar condition. It's something to do with my heart murmur, as are the episodes. Apparently, the mitrovalve prolapse (fancy word for my type of murmur) makes me more susceptible to heartbeat fuck-ups. In other words: my episodes will continue, they won't kill me, aren't really dangerous and could be tempered by medication if I were so inclined. I am not so inclined. I can live with my erratic heartbeat knowing that I'm not dying as a result. I've had to have a chest echo and CT scan. Once the results are in the doctor will be sending me any additional instructions (and I hopefully won't have to go back).

Also coming out of yesterday's appointment is a call for a major lifestyle change. I'm going to have to up my aerobic activity - much of my PT stuff is weight training - and thus, am in the market for a recumbent bike (which has been okayed as a form of exercise by my physical therapist). I'm supposed to watch my diet (maybe try to lower my cholesterol, which is on the high end of normal). I guess I won't be eating a steady diet of cheeseburgers and chips anymore.

I am fine, I have more and less on my plate. Less to worry about, more to do. It's all manageable, but right now I'm just tired and wishing that my cold would go away.

in my head

I am in love with "In Rainbows," the newly released Radiohead album. The man bought it for me last night and I've listened to it on repeat all day at work. I have a tendency to do this with new cds, listen to them until I have memorized every note and word. I have a feeling I will not be getting sick of this cd any time soon. Note: if you don't like Radiohead, shame on you, and you probably won't like this album. There are a couple songs on this cd where Thom Yorke sounds a lot like Rufus Wainwright (whom I love, even though he is a homosexual man who will never love me in return).

In other news, I have Monday off from work in observance of M. L. King Day. Sometimes I love working in higher ed. Not as many days off as bankers, but we do get some extras for holidays.

I plan on staying inside to avoid the sub-zero temperatures as much as possible. Of course I will be watching the Packer game on Sunday evening, but not too much going on other than that. I am still waiting for some tax documents that have yet to arrive, so that throws off my plan to do that this weekend. I may, however, paint the office instead. One can never tell.

fun and taxes

I'm a dork. I realize and embrace this as fact. I enjoy color-coordinating my files, organizing my closets, planning down to the minutiae, and doing my taxes. Yes, I enjoy doing my taxes. Granted, my taxes are relatively simple as I do not own land, am single, and have no dependents. Also, I am recently out of college so the mere fact that I earn more than $10,000 per year is still exciting, even if a large sum of it goes to the government. But, a good chunk of that is returned to me in the form of a refund so it makes the whole thing fun.

My refund will be spent lowering my debts and adding a little cushion to my savings. I have no plans for extravagance. I should be getting my W-2 tomorrow and then the fun will start.

technology rant

I'm likely going to work late tonight because we won't have tech support until later in the evening and I need my usb ports enabled to recognize my flash drive. The flash drive that is holding hostage the files I worked on last night. The brand new flash drive that the demonic work computers will not recognize, though my laptop was all "Welcome to fold, little flash drive! It's great to have you."

But not the work computers, of which there are many. They banded together to shout "Hey bitch, you don't have administrative rights on us so we won't recognize your twerpy little flash drive. We don't accept your kind around here. In fact, you don't even exist in our world."

Little do they know that I could throw each of them into the snow bank, frying their motherboards and rendering them unusable. But I won't. Instead, I will stew in the knowledge that the work I did last night will not be available for retrieval for many hours. So much for increasing productivity.

2008: so far so good (alternate title: optimism levels are high)

The Packers are one game away from the Super Bowl. This makes me deliciously happy. I wouldn't call myself an avid sports-watcher, but I do enjoy football and am near-fanatical about my teams. The Packers will play the Giants next and I'm anticipating a victory [knock on wood].

My optometry and dental appointments went swimmingly. I am still wearing the heart monitor created by demon spawn for the sole purpose of covering my skin with hives and itchiness. I have decided to wear it in three-day spurts, to allow time for my hive-ridden skin to heal a bit before I inflict more punishment. I'm optimistic that the doctors will be able to figure out what is going on, that it is nothing serious, and that I will be able to stop wearing this thing and go back to normal.

I've finally received the wonderful merchandise sent from heaven (also known as http://www.seejanework.com/), purchased with a fabulous gift certificate from the man's mother. My recent purchases are keeping me quite on track with my budgetary Nazism. I am able to tally, record, and/or store receipts and $s all in the same place (see: Accordion Organizer). I am in love with it and would marry it if I weren't so enthralled by the man. Along with the arrival of my fabulous array of office supplies, I have received equally fantastic news from the man. Operation: Paint the Ugly-Fucking-Office has been approved! I will likely go ahead with that little endeavor before the end of the month.

I will be getting paid tomorrow for the first time since December 20, 2007. Due to the holiday, we received our January 1, 2008 paychecks over a week early. Also, I am impatiently awaiting my W-2s so that I can file my taxes and hold a refund check in my grubby little hands. The majority of it will go toward debts, but the knowledge that those debts will be smaller makes me damn-near giddy.

So far, 2008 has broken the "even years are bad" theory to which I have previously prescribed.

eyes and teeth and lovejuice

I had an optometry appointment today. It was a follow-up to make sure that my eyes are not being destroyed from the inside because I've switched to a new brand of contact lenses. News was good - my eyes are not being destroyed. I have, however, been given a sample of a contact lens solution that WILL EAT MY EYES if I don't use it properly. I do not like the idea of this, but will try it nonetheless. I am confident in my ability to follow instructions, so I am hoping that the BURNING OF MY RETINAS will be foregone.

In other news, I will be having my bi-annual dental exam today. Yippee. This means panoramic x-rays of my chompers. I am hoping that the x-ray machine accidentally shoots its magic into my ovaries and takes out any chance of offspring. I am hoping this because I once again broached the topic of vasectomy with the man last night. I've been telling him that it is a simple, nearly painless, outpatient procedure and that he should just man up and do it. It would ultimately save us hundreds of dollars each year (condoms, birth control prescription). Yet, he claims that he doesn't want anyone going near his testicles with any sharp objects. I reminded him that I have a sharp mind and that he should have the surgery if he would like my head going anywhere near his man-package in the future. He did not concur.

NOTE: Sperm is made of broken futures, not candy and rainbows as some people believe.

projections

I'm generally an organized person. I may even be anal-retentive about it. The problem is that I have a tendency to allow organization become a procrastination tool. There is always something that can be organized, reorganized, or organized yet again. I'm better at the initiation of organization than I am on the follow-through for this reason - I know that there will be the opportunity to reevaluate and reorganize. One of my goals for the 2008 is to avoid doing this.

Another goal is to firmly cement my budget and adhere to it as though I will be cold and homeless if I stray from it. So far, this has gone well (even though it has only been one week). I have read a few books by Larry Winget on budgeting and getting "rich." Rich is not so much important to me as getting out of debt. Yes, I realize that the debt I have incurred is because of important things like education, but that doesn't make the monthly payments any easier to swallow. I generally have a budget that I am following, but I have been a bit lax at times. This will end. I will be a budgetary Nazi.

projects, goals, accomplishments, and lazy fatbodies

I am alive. I survived holiday season 2007. I made out like a bandit in regard to Christmas gifts and feel rich in the splendor. I'm still trying to get my shit together in terms of having been gone from work for over a week, which is why I haven't posted. I had a fabulous break, though fraught with inclement weather and much angst about the imminent return to work.


Over break I accomplished a number of things. I bought and framed some vintage geometric/mod fabric to go over the bed. The fabric is fabulous in and of itself because it is vintage and has orange in it:




In other news, I was able to visit my parents in the "northwoods" for day at Christmas. We had to leave early because of weather, but it was still a nice visit. My brother and his family were there. The kid is pretty cool, but did not conjure up any maternal instinct in me whatsoever. Both I and the man were happy about that.

As for New Year's resolutions, I don't really do that. I have goals for the year, but they are more or less just a guideline. I would like to:

1. finish my thesis and get my degree conferred
2. pay off my credit card debt (or at least get close)
3. pay off one student loan (likely the smallest one)
4. find a second job that I enjoy and that doesn't completely drain me (would not begin until #1 is completed and will aid in both #2 and #3)
5. get one step closer to financial stability that would allow us to kick the lazy-sack-of-shit, worthless, fatbody roommate out of the house and still be able to feed ourselves and the pets (without all of us having to resort to eating canned cat food)
6. take a class or attend some sort of fun learning experience/activity
7. participate in more charitable causes (e.g. I did the Race for the Cure last year and would like to do something like that and more)
8. become healthier and less dependent on physical therapy
9. continually remind myself that I need to keep working in this job so that I can gain enough experience to get a job that is more fulfilling (both mentally and financially)
10. use more locally-grown produce and locally-produced items

The man and I spent a quiet evening at home for New Year's. It was one of the two nights over break that we actually had the house to ourselves. The dickbag roommate has been more homebound than ever and is reverting to his slovenly ways. Thus, my tolerance for him is waning and if it weren't a financial necessity for his existency, the man and I would've thrown the vile crap he calls his belongings on the front yard months ago.

All in all, I'm optimistic about 2008. Happy New Year!

wired

I'm now hooked up to an event monitor (for my heart). I will be recording any "episodes" through January 2o. That equals one month of wearing these plastic nodes on my chest and toting a black electronic monitor on my waistband. I am not enthused, but realize that this is a means to the end of finding out why my heart acts like I take high doses of speed on a daily basis.

In other news, it is almost winter break! My friend Kristen is coming to visit en route to her parents'. This is good, as I will need respite from the onslaught of family festivities. My posts will be few and far between until January 2, when my break is over. Have a happy and joyous holiday season! Happy Birthday Jesus!

love is...

I've decided that being in love is like being drunk: you act stupidly, you are blind to your flaws and the flaws of your "other," you say things you wouldn't normally say, do things you wouldn't normally do, think you are invincible... All until "BANG!" you get your heart broken and the hangover you get from love is much worse than the worst whiskey-drunk hangover. You can't take two ibuprofen and drink a gallon of water to get over heart-sickness. It doesn't last a day and then magically disappear. No doctor can shove an IV in your arm and take away the symptoms. You are pretty much fucked.

The man and I (after 3+ years of togetherness) finally hit the "love" stage and I am not dealing with it very well. I am not a very emotionally expressive person, it wasn't the way I was raised. I think I was better not knowing and just assuming that the emotion was there and that was enough. Until...alas...I got drunk and decided that the man (in the event of one of our deaths) should know how I "feel." I was drunk, invincible, said things I wouldn't normally say, did things I wouldn't normally do...and as a result I am stuck with being in the "love" zone indefinitely.

Luckily, neither the man nor I verbalize our feelings very often (hence the 3+ years before the "L bomb" was dropped) so I don't need to worry about things being said with any kind of frequency. Unfortunately, this also means that I am rarely prepared for the outburst of emotion. The first time the man said "it," he was met with silence because I was caught off guard and didn't know what to say. Eventually, I figured out the desired response and was able to reiterate what he had said. Still, like being drunk, I am not very good at being "in love." I think my love-o-meter is busted.

early

I couldn't sleep last night. After eventually falling asleep, I found myself wide awake at 3:00 AM. I could hear water dripping out of the eaves onto the balcony floor. It made a ping sound. That mixed with the man talking in his sleep and his occasional snoring, making it impossible to sleep. I needed to wake up at 5:00 anyway, but two hours early is just too much.

I've been at work since 6:00 AM this morning. It is highly likely that I will have to stay late. It is times like this that I wish we had better public transportation in the US. I am without a vehicle today because my windshield washer pump is (hopefully) being fixed/replaced. The man was kind enough to drive me to work today, but since he also needs to be at work at 7:00 AM, I had to come in early. If only they would actually build the light rail, I wouldn't be in such a bind. But, alas, that has been on the docket for a decade and has never been passed.

In other news, it is officially 2 days 9 hours 5 minutes until I am on winter break! Yay! I am hoping you can see the excitement in my usage of exclamation points!! Over my winter break I plan on doing the following things:

• master Guitar Hero with five stars on each song in the hard level (could be an impossible mission, but I am up to the challenge)
• be lazy
• eat a lot of food
• watch the first season of Showtime's Dead Like Me
• not think about work...at all
• do the required family gathering stuff
• read a book that I want to read (that is unrelated to my thesis)
• spend some time hanging out with the man
• catch up with a couple friends

off kilter

I'm a klutz today. So far (and it is only 8:15 AM), I have run into the following things:

• the edge of the bed (with my toe)
• the doorknob on the bedroom closet (with my hand)
• the dog gate (with my hip)
• the corner wall in the hallway at work (with my shoulder, while carrying tea)
• the edge of my desk (with my thigh)

Perhaps I should take a hint and not leave my chair or attempt to drive.

In other news, my windshield wiper motor appears to be completely fucked...and not in a good way. I'll have to make an appointment to get it replaced (to the tune of what I estimate as $200+.) Merry fucking Christmas.

snow day

I was out of the office all day yesterday. They closed down work at 2:00 PM due to inclement weather (which is the reason I could not get to either my cardiology appointment or to work). Luckily, I will not have to take a full day of vacation to compensate for my absence since they closed the buildings.

So, instead of working yesterday, I stayed home and...worked on work unrelated to my real job. Yay. I did get an hour of Guitar Hero III in though, so I didn't work all day. I must say that the XBox 360 is the most glorious gaming console. The graphics are amazing. It almost doesn't make me upset that it has stolen my boyfriend's affections. However, the man has somewhat made up for it and has been an amazingly wonderful boyfriend this week. (Also, the XBox 360 is only visiting for the week and will be going back home sometime this weekend - until we inevitably buy one that will stay at the house forever and always.)

Since our jerk of a snowplow guy hasn't shown up at the house yet, my very sweet boyfriend shoveled the majority of our very long driveway so that I could get to work this morning. He spent an hour shoveling at 9:00 last night since we had waited, hoping that the plowman would show up. It is nice when your significant other can put aside the stupidity and disregard that accompanies the male gender and does something very kind and thoughtful. I must admit that I don't always give him the credit he deserves, but he gets laid a lot, so that makes up for my inability to communicate my gratitude through words.

In other news, I came in to work at 6:30 AM and will be working a couple hours late to try to get caught up on things. This is going to be a long-ass day.

things i did over the weekend

1. slept
2. ate
3. cleaned the house while dodging attacks made by the cat
4. slept some more
5. talked on the phone
6. went to the store
7. wrapped Christmas gifts
8. ate
9. slept
10. watched the Packer game
11. wrote a few Christmas cards
12. ate
13. put up our tiny Christmas tree
14. slept
15. watched the last episode of Dexter: Season 1
16. made dinner
17. ate
18. channel surfed
19. slept
20. woke up to find I'd slept through the majority of the weekend

The good news is that my cold seems to be nearly gone. Also, the more I sleep, the closer to winter break it gets.

i live in a bacon world

I am still sick with a cold, but it is getting better. We've made it through the last snowstorm and now are only expecting another 2-4 inches of snow over the weekend. It is sunny and gorgeous (but cold) outside right now. I am in much better spirits, despite a headache that won't seem to subside.

Part of the reason I'm in a better mood is that I am now 99% done with my holiday shopping. I received the last of my brother's Christmas gifts in the mail yesterday. I bought him bacon salt to go along with his other, more "traditional" gifts. I also bought bacon salt for the man and as I am awful at not letting him open gifts until the actual holiday/birthday, he opened it last night. I must admit, this stuff is surprisingly good. Everything is better with bacon.

birthday boy

My nephew Brady turns one year old today. Happy birthday! Unfortunately for him, it has been ruled by his mother that he cannot open the gifts I sent to him until his party on Sunday. As they live many, many miles away, I will not be there for the party and will have to settle for watching the dvd later. I purposely wrapped the gifts in tissue paper so that he would be better able to open them. I didn't include a card, because, come on, who cares about the card? Also, I gave him toys and a book as it seems to be impossible to know which life track he'll set out on so early. He has red hair, so let's hope he doesn't go the nerdy route.

Happy Birthday little man!

not as pissy as i seem

I realize I have sounded a bit frustrated and unhappy. I'm frustrated, but not unhappy. Things at work are looking up as we are finally full-staffed for the first time in nearly a year. This will eventually lighten my workload (though there is always a learning curve and things may cause more work for me for the next month or so). That said, I'm happy with the way things at work are going. I'm not too worried about my doctor appointments, it is just a matter of figuring out what is wrong and finding a plan of action. I'm not anticipating anything major. If you haven't noticed, I tend to use this as a forum from which to vent. I guess you are all reading at your own risk.

I'm also looking forward to having 11 days of non-work in a row. We have a winter break from work from Dec. 22 - Jan. 2. It will be a much needed break for everyone in the office and hopefully we'll be able to get some more things put in motion this upcoming year.

My seemingly endless cold is giving me quite the pissy attitude until about mid-day, when my symptoms subside a bit. That would likely account for my morning cynicism. I'm medicating myself with vitamin C (even though it may not have proven cold healing powers). But hey, it has to be better than the alternative: bourbon.

cold enough for ya?

It is only 7:30 AM and I have already heard 5 people say "Is it cold enough for ya?" What do they think? Why do they ask? It isn't making small talk or conversation. I have a cold, my windshield washer fluid seems to be frozen, snot pours out of my head when going inside from outside. It's fucking 7 degrees below zero. No, I guess it would only be cold enough for me if my arms and legs were reduced to gangrenous nubs because of frostbite. Is that cold enough for you?

not even officially winter yet

We just received 6 inches of snow (not including the 5 inches from the weekend still on the ground). Getting to work was a real bitch today, as neither my road nor my driveway had been plowed. I ended up getting stuck where our road meets the highway, but luckily I had my shovel and the aid of two good samaritans to get me out. I made it to work okay after that.

We are expecting another 4 inches of snow tomorrow and then another major storm this weekend. Sometimes I really hate living in WI. The snow can be beautiful at times, but it sure can be a pain in the ass.

Thank God for the snow removal crews. It looks like it may be a long winter in the Midwest.

insomniac

I am at work well before my standard "at work" time. I couldn't sleep so came in to work. This may or may not have been a good idea. It is possible that I could leave early = good. However, it is possible that I will actually end up working late = bad. There is another snowstorm coming this afternoon, so an early departure time would be better.

I haven't been sleeping much this past week. The combination of dread surrounding my thesis and worry regarding my impending medical appointments are keeping me awake. I've been productive in many other ways, such as having nearly all my Christmas shopping done. I go to get my event monitor for my heart next Tuesday. I will wear it for one month and it will record any abnormalities or episodes and send them directly to the doctor. After that month is over, I will meet with the cardiologist and hopefully figure out what exactly is wrong with me. I hope I will be able to sleep after that.

I have a case of the blahs.

survival update: thanksgiving 2007

Well, we made it through the holiday. I feel better equipped to write about the event now that it is one week in the past. If I had written about it earlier, I may have been misleadingly negative due to the strain of clearing the chaos of visitors from the house. It is always interesting for me to see how much the man and his mother are alike. I have only met her a few times, since they now live in Oklahoma and don't make it back to WI but a few times per year. I find it particularly amusing when she claims to not know where the man got some of his personality attributes, such as his stubbornness and temper, when I have personally seen her exhibit these same traits.

Overall, the holiday was okay. It was more work that was promised, but it went well. So well, in fact, that the "family" plans on coming to our house every Thanksgiving. I, however, will not tie myself down to that promise. It seems as though the man's family often forgets that I have a family of my own whom I would like to spend holidays with. This annoys me. I have already mentioned that I would likely be going home next year and not to anticipate my assistance in the planning and execution of the event. It would be nice if the man were able to come home with me, but since his folks will be visiting each Thanksgiving, I wouldn't want him to miss out on spending time with them.

As always, there was turmoil amidst the festivities and their visit was bittersweet for the man. I found the whole event to be stressful and it made me miss my family and their traditions even more. Traditions where things are fun, not tedious and the food is prepared the way I like it - with lots of butter and gravy and sarcastic comments about the way you are making things with tons of butter and gravy.

In other news, my body is completely fucking up. My heart is experiencing severe bouts of abnormal heart rate exceeding 120 beats per minute. I go see a cardiologist soon and will probably have to wear an event monitor and have a battery of tests. My mother swears that I wasn't microwaved as a baby and that no drugs were involved in my conception or incubation stages, which I believe because my mother has never smoked so much as a cigarette. I am hoping that they find something easily treatable like a hyperactive thyroid and that it isn't a complication due to my heart murmur. Only time will tell and I'll keep you posted.

As for now, I'm on vacation (though going to the doctor twice in less than 24 hours isn't much of a vacation) and am working on my thesis. So far I've been making steady progress. I'll write more about it later.

mourning

My beta fish Orpheus died this week. It was upsetting, but I'm okay. I loved Orpheus, but we never bonded like I did with my previous fish Homer. Perhaps it is because Orpheus was a gift and I had been mourning the loss of Homer at the time of his arrival. Even so, I had grown very attached to Orpheus in the nearly three years we were together and I am quite saddened by his passing. I don't think I'll be getting another fish for quite some time.

things i hate today

1. The person in the cubicle outside my office playing Josh Groban.
2. Josh Groban.
3. The weird pissing thing the sky is doing that is neither snow nor rain nor sleet.
4. The fog.
5. Not being able to drink decaffeinated coffee because decaffeinated coffee still contains significant amounts of caffeine. Thus, it is not aptly named. It should be lesscaffeinated coffee.
6. Receiving Dexter: Season 1 Disc 2 before receiving Dexter: Season 1 Disc 1 from Netflix.
7. Black Thursday and the commercialism associated with it.
8. Making travel arrangements for people other than myself.
9. Thinking about the lack of money to pay bills and still afford Christmas.
10. Did I mention Josh Groban?

reasons my hair might fall out this week

1. The man's mother and stepfather are coming to stay with us for a few days over the holiday. We don't quite know when they are arriving.
2. The man's mother and stepfather may be bringing their dog, which would cause Jammer to go into convulsions and have a nervous breakdown.
3. We are hosting Thanksgiving for somewhere between 12 and 18 of the man's family and stepfamily.
4. We have to prep the house for hosting Thanksgiving.
5. I don't know the majority of those coming to spend the entire day of Thanksgiving at our house. I wonder if it would be rude to have people wear "Hello! My Name Is _____" tags.
6. Jammer doesn't react well to large numbers of strangers in the house. There is bound to be much barking (some of which will be likely directed at little old ladies, whom there are quite a few of in the man's family).
7. I am taking four days off next week (Tuesday through Friday) and this is a short work week. I am drowning in things to get "wrapped up."
8. The man's boss is giving each employee a turkey for Thanksgiving. We do not have a freezer large enough to accommodate a frozen turkey. We are not responsible for the Thanksgiving turkey preparation. I will never cook a turkey. I hope someone will take it home with them.
9. The doctor told me to completely cut out caffeine due to my elevated heart rate. I consume very, very little caffeine as it is and now I will have to make sure that I am stringent in deleting it from my diet.
10. These same stepfamily people are the same ones who asked the man (in my presence) about our matrimonial possibilities at last Thanksgiving. And now they will be in my house for a whole day.

maladies #8: syringes and balls

My latest physical therapy appointment was definitely more promising than my last doctor visit. However, I have an additional three exercises/stretches and a new treatment. I was given (I actually bought it) a rubber ball the approximate size of a cantaloupe to use in stretching out my IT band (muscle on outside of leg between hip and knee). I lie on the floor with the ball under the outside of my leg and use the ball to stretch the muscle. It hurts like a motherfucker and I was instructed that it should not be used directly on the hip area, as it would likely be too painful. At least this was not a surprise.

The treatment I was given (which I did not have to pay for out-of-pocket) is a band-aid type thing with a batter attached. I inject medicine from a vial onto the pad on the underside of the bandaid, tape it to my hip, pull a tab to start the battery and let it inject medicine into my muscle for a few hours. I have yet to try this, but will keep you posted as to what it actually does. I hope it is helpful, as I have four treatments for each hip.

I find the treatment to be kind of interesting, but it also kind of freaks me out. I wonder what the man's mom and stepdad will think if they open the medicine cabinet to find a bunch of syringes and vials of meds. Perhaps I should label them "heroine" to see what sort of fun ensues.

one small step for man

My brother's kid learned to walk yesterday. I have the feeling that this kid is going to be a holy terror once he figures out the power he has now obtained.

I wish my brother and sister-in-law all the luck in the world. They are pregnant again, and Brady (pictured above) isn't even one year old yet. I hope, for their sakes, that he uses his power for good instead of evil.

let them eat cake

Wow. I had forgotten how easy cake is to make. Cake mix + oil + eggs + water = CAKE. In case you are wondering why I would be making a sweet delight such as cake, it was a coworker's birthday. I made a "Funfetti" cake. It was delicious. I don't even like cake very much, and this cake was good.

I must remember that:
A.) cake is easy to make,
B.) baking a cake makes the whole house smell delicious and nothing like the putrid nastiness the roommate cooks (fish + something else disgusting), and
C.) people like cake and I could win friends and influence people with a steady stream of cake.

the black donnellys

I loved this show. Only six episodes of The Black Donnellys aired on NBC, but the man and I loved it nonetheless. We just finished watching the rest of the season/series (rented from Netflix). I can't believe it was canceled. It seems that I have a knack for liking shows that not enough of the American populous watches.

The series was written by the writer of Million Dollar Baby and the team of writers behind Crash, both of which won Oscars. As for The Black Donnellys, I either loved the characters, or loved to hate the characters - I think that is key to genuinely connecting with a show.

If you are looking to kill a day, rent the DVDs. You can get the whole series in three discs. Keep in mind that the series ended as if it were going to be picked up for a second season so you may be left wanting more. The man was content with the ending, but I believe that too much is left unresolved. All in all, it is still definitely worth watching.

plans

I've set the wheels in motion for a week away from work to concentrate on my thesis. I'll be taking off November 27-30 to focus solely on my thesis. I'll be working and staying away from home, free from all distractions (namely: the pets and the man). I will also be out of the office December 7 and 9. I have appointments those days, but will be taking full days off from work. All I need now is final approval and I'll confirm the arrangements.

I may also be making updates to this site more frequently during those times (there won't be that pesky thing called work to get in my way of posting).

I am hoping that the time away from work will help me to come back feeling less frustrated. At this point, the bitterness I have about my work is creeping into every aspect of my life. I think a few days off will remedy this...at least I hope it will.

architectural cream

This weekend was actually quite good. I was able to spend a significant amount of time reorganizing my filing system. To the average human, this would sound tedious and quite boring. In my twisted world, this is categorized as "fun." Good, productive, time-consuming fun with an obvious result. The office is finally coming together (with the exception of the extra furniture we had been gifted that we are afraid to do anything with). I would like to paint the walls this color (Architectural Cream by Ralph Lauren):

However, I do not see any painting in my future as painting seems to only be done based on how much it "needs" to be done. Thus, I am secretly hoping that the walls begin to peel, which would necessitate the painting of the room. I have the rest of the room nearly to my liking, right now it is just the stark walls that are inhibiting the flow of my perfect thesis environment.

punishment

All of my negativity is now manifesting itself in the form of a sinus headache, nose stuffiness, and sore throat. It began yesterday when I was already feeling pitiful and has now developed into a cold. Even though I resolved to end the bitterness, lo and behold a cold appears. Thus, I could blame myself for lowering the power of my immune system through negative thought. However, I prefer to blame the children.

Of course I don't have children, but my coworkers do and I know that one of them has sick children. Children are carriers of the evil viruses that cause adults to miss work. Missing work is hard enough when you are doing it on purpose for, say, a vacation. You come back to work to find that the amount of work you missed is exponentially larger than the amount of hours missed. It is even worse when you are sick. You get to stay home, but you are miserable the whole time so it isn't even worth it.

The man has many coworkers who have spawned. These coworkers also bring their children's viruses to work and infect the man. However, the amount of chemicals in the food that the man eats has preserved him, giving him superhuman strength to fend off the majority of illnesses. I, on the other hand, am often the receptacle for the viruses unable to make their home in the man. This is not the man's fault. In a way, he is just the messenger. The messenger of evil from the children who hope to cause my suffering and nose runniness.

maladies #7: you can't handle the truth

Well, well, well, where do I start. The appointment can be summed up in one word: shit. The doctor is shit. His diagnosis is shit. I'd like to throw shit at the doctor. I feel like shit. The doctor is happy with the progress I have made, but is unsure of any next steps other than a very pricey, possibly beneficial, possibly detrimental, extremely painful series of procedures that may, might, possibly, when pigs fly out my ass, could fix the problem. So, now that my pelvis isn't all wonky, he's going to have me continue with physical therapy twice daily for the next three months, and possibly, if I do not feel much worse by that time, I might be able to cut it down to five times per week. But, there is no telling if it will make the pain go away. I might end up with killer six-pack abs, but what good does that do if I still feel like the wishbone from the Thanksgiving turkey.

I'm going back to my physical therapist next week to see if he has any additional or altered exercises for me to do. If not, I will likely not have to see him anymore. There was much talk of deep tissue massage to break up the scar tissue, but the doctor doesn't necessarily suggest that, but he doesn't necessarily not suggest it either. It might work, he said, but it might not. Wow! I found the only doctor who can get by with the mindset of a meteorologist, "it might rain, but it might not - I'd say there is a fifty percent chance." You know what doc, I say there is a fifty percent chance that you'll walk out your door tomorrow morning to find a flaming bag of ... you guessed it: SHIT.

maladies #6: chilly with a slight chance of my head exploding

It is cold outside. My body feels it, my muscles feel it, my bones feel it, my joints feel it. I get to go to see the sports medicine doctor again today (the doctor that prescribed the physical therapy) to see how I've progressed and to get a recommendation for the next course of action. I know that I have made progress and that I should be happy with that. I shouldn't complain or pity myself because all-in-all, things could be much worse. However, I'm human and I don't like being in pain all the time. That pain is what keeps me focused on trying to find some sort of remedy. That pain also keeps me constantly on edge, which sucks for those who need to be around me.

I'm optimistic about my appointment, because the goal of the physical therapy was to realign and stabilize my pelvis, which has happened with the exception of a couple instances or relapse. My optimism, as always, is tempered by the thought that this pain has been constant and sometimes overwhelming for nearly ten years and I question what can be done now that hasn't been attempted already. Let's hope that this doctor has some sort of miracle and that it isn't going to cost me too much to get there.

november rain

When it rains it pours, that's for damned sure. I've had a busy November so far, and it is only the 6th. I was able to take yesterday off from work, which did wonders for my weekend happiness, but I'm now buried under paperwork back at the office. I think everyone finds themselves in this cycle: take a day off from work, work normal hours plus hours taken off to make up work missed on day off. Ah, I am doomed to keep repeating this until I find a way to get ahead of the work streaming into my inbox. If you invent time travel, let me know...I'll be the one beating her head against her desk.

I was productive over the weekend. I reorganized the furniture in the den in preparation for the man's parents, who will be visiting over Thanksgiving. Also, I did a bit of financial management. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I have a handle on my finances. Yes, there are the student loans, an auto loan, and many monthly payments to consider, but I have a well-devised plan to cut down my debt substantially in 20 months. Of course, this plan does require that I cut out nearly all my discretionary spending, but that is something I am willing to do in order to wake up one morning in 2009 and not feel like I'm sinking in payments. I've been tinkering with my budget for over a year, but I finally think I can make my planned and actual budgets match now. Already, I am feeling quite relieved.

The budgetary planning success has given me an idea as to how I can feel like less of a failure on a daily basis (regarding my thesis). Similar to my financial tracking and monitoring, I will be creating workload and chapter plans with measurable milestones. I will set timelines to keep myself accountable and update them daily. I am beginning with a home office overhaul. As it stands, despite my attempts, the office is still not a space I consider conducive to studying/working. The only use the room even gets is a depository for my files and a playground for Cat Named Jack. If work is to be done, it will have to be done in this room. Progress is set to begin today after work.

absentminded

I've become a pothead without smoking pot. In other words, my short term memory is shot and I zone out quite frequently. Since there is absolutely no herbal intake, I blame stress. However, this is only selective short term memory loss as it is not affecting my work life. My personal life, however, is another story. Either my memory is crap, or I just don't listen. The man has gotten quite irritated that he has to repeat things to me that he has told me before. Perhaps I'm turning into a man.

halloween

I've apparently gone crazy and dressed up the animals. However, it was Halloween and I'm a firm believer that everyone should dress up for the holiday. As a result, I present Jackson Pinkerton III and Princess Jammer Leia.

Jack didn't mind the costume, but didn't want to sit still long enough for me to get a clear photo. He was bribed with treats to get the one I posted above. I think he looks quite dapper in his tie. Unfortunately, this "dress-up" led to this:

It may appear to be sniffing, but about two seconds after this photo was taken, the teeth and claws came out to remind me "Dude, don't fuck with me. I don't like clothes."

Conversely, Jammer has always loved clothes, though we don't usually let her wear anything other than her collar and bandanna. She loved everything about this outfit, except for the "hair."

Jammer didn't wear the outfit for long, only about ten minutes. We don't get any trick-or-treaters so we dressed her for our own amusement and then went along with the evening as we normally would. Don't call PETA, no animals were harmed in the making of a happy Halloween. Actually, they did more damage to me than I did to them. Jammer freaked out when I took off her costume and she realized she was naked, nearly knocking me to the ground. And I don't need to explain how much damage a pissed off Jack can do to human flesh.

happy halloween

Today we are having a Halloween potluck at work. I must say that my costume is the best I've ever come up with. I'm Tippi Hedron from Hitchcock's The Birds, complete with blond wig, '60s dress, and crow attacking my head. Yes, there is also blood and torn nylons. I may have to post a photo. Unfortunately, I am the only one in costume thus far. I do know a coworker will be partaking in the delights of costume-wearing, but she won't be in until 10 am. Oh well.

Also, it was the man's birthday yesterday, which went very well with the exception that we had dinner with two sets of his grandparents two nights in a row. Oh, and one of them brought up marriage. And the man didn't seem too opposed to the possibility, which caused a near panic attack on my end because we have never discussed it. I guess it might come to that at some point, but I've never really considered "our" life ending up there. I'm not anti-marriage when it comes to the man, but in front of his 86-year-old grandmother is not the appropriate time to have that first discussion. We are going to see Jimmy Buffett in Vegas next October, I'll make sure I build my tolerance up by then or I may come home with more than a hangover.

oh, come on...

Today is a "what the fuck?" day. Since the minute I woke up, things have been on a weird plane. The man is abnormally outward with his feelings today, which throws me off. The pets were actually calm this morning, nothing like their normal AM behavior. These are good things. Work, of course, is another story.

Warning: I'm about to bitch about my job. Today is the kind of day where, instead of leaving early like I should due to the amount of hours I've already put in this week, I'll likely be staying late or coming in tomorrow. I had my day plotted out, time parceled, etc. That blew out the fucking window at 8:45 this morning. I guess I have to "roll with the punches."

quicksand

The man is extremely stressed out these days, which is only remotely good because it allows me to get perspective on my own stress. In comparison, my stresses aren't as bad as his and thus, I am reminded to count my blessings.

I'm not going to go into details, but lately there seems to be a tidal wave of negative outcomes pouring down on the man. Family issues, business issues, career issues, transportation issues, all have reared their ugly heads this week. He was full of optimism not even one week ago, but in the matter of three days he has been sucked into the quicksand of doubt and negativity. Like quicksand, adding more negative happenings to a person can suck them further and further into the expectation of future bad occurrences.

I am trying to remain positive, despite my own propensity to be cynical. Luckily, I do not doubt the man and his abilities so it is easy for me to give him a pep talk every now and again. Mainly, I'm trying to listen so that he is able to purge some of the weight that is dragging him down. Today is a new day and I hope that I go home to find that he has risen a bit out of the frustration. It is very difficult to be cheery when someone around you is angst-ridden.

spreading the love

I have a two inch by one inch poison ivy wound healing on my ankle. I found it while I was in the shower about two weeks ago. I just assumed that I had somehow unknowingly come across it. Upon further reflection, I realized that I have not been anywhere to get said poison ivy allergic reaction: no forests, no ditches, no long grass or wooded areas of any kind. Where, one might ask, did I pick up poison ivy? I was perplexed. One morning the man looked at my unsheathed ankle (free of it's binds after the irritation cleared up) and said "ow, what happened there?". I explained and all of a sudden he looked quite sheepish. The man had a hunch at how I procured said irritation because he, the man, had brought it home to me.

The man is one of the rare superhumans who is not allergic to things people normally have reactions to, like poison ivy and mosquito bites. The man and some of his buddies went to play paintball (you guessed it) two weeks ago. There are weeds and grass and poison ivy and trees there. He brought home the horrible itchiness of the poison ivy and somehow managed to strategically place it on the inside of my ankle. A place where a lovely kitten-heeled shoe can wreak havoc on the sensitive skin covered with a small section of rashy, horrible, irritating poison ivy outbreak.

As it was already nearly gone, I couldn't be super-pissed at him anymore. He just grinned and said that as long as the worst thing he ever brings home to me is poison ivy irritation, I should be happy. Some men bring home herpes.

progress

I've been working a lot lately, on a variety of projects. I'm nearly finished with my side project for a former coworker. I'm creating a Website for the man's new business. I've been putting in overtime at work. I've been putting in time on my thesis. I've been working to revamp some spaces in the house. Whew, I've been busy.

Suffice it to say, I've made substantial progress in many of the aforementioned areas and as a result of my working so much there have been fewer posts lately. I apologize, but need to mention that although I've made progress, there is still much work to do. I will try to post regularly.

maladies #5: takes a licking and keeps on ticking

I haven't brought up my physical therapy appointments lately. I am still doing an hour of exercises daily to try to fix all of the issues, but we hit a bit of a roadblock last week. Apparently, my body decided to go haywire, just to show me that I am not, in fact, in control. Out of the blue, despite all my efforts, I regressed to my pre-physical therapy status of pain, snapping muscles, cramping muscles, muscles seemingly on fire, pain, pelvic nonalignment, pain, and oh, did I already mention the pain? Frustration followed, as did a brief spell of pity partying. But, that was short lived and I continued doing the exercises, though they had been altered a bit because of my regression.

Apparently, the changes have worked as I am once again on track to "recovery" as of my appointment yesterday afternoon. My strength, though not Herculean, has improved nonetheless, as has my flexibility. My muscles are wound tighter than a nun in the Red Light District, but after some awful stretches and massage techniques, they seem to be loosening a bit (my muscles, not the nuns).

I have another appointment next week, and if all goes well I might not have to continue my weekly visits. I'll keep you posted.

new opportunities

The man and I were actually able to spend some time together this weekend as this was his first weekend off from work since June (if not earlier). We had a great weekend and were able to accomplish a lot of small projects that we had been putting off. Also, we took some time to do nothing but enjoy one another's company, which was a welcome change from the perfunctory ways we spend time together, such as going to the hardware store or eating dinner.

Some new opportunities have revealed themselves in terms of the man's career. As a result of some savvy purchases and networking over the course of the past month, he has been able to make significant headway toward opening his own business. This project has been "in the works" for quite some time, but now the focus has shifted, allowing for a much more timely opening date and a more manageable workload.

I'm quite happy for him and I know that he will be much more content with life in general when he is back doing work that he enjoys. The selfish side of me sees how much time and energy must be put out in opening a new business and anticipates negative consequences (namely, less time for me). I'm going to have to try to be as supportive as possible because I know how much the business means to him. I do know, from experience, that there will be some rough patches ahead. This (the new business and the effects on our relationship) won't be easy.

In other news, I will be an aunt to a second tiny human as my brother and his wife are expecting their second child in May.

reasons why i am restless

1. seemingly insurmountable workload at work, and that doesn't even take into account my normal work responsibilities (leading me to feel like I have failed each time I leave the office)
2. still understaffed at work
3. hourly wage + no overtime = donation of multiple work hours to employer each week
4. minimal quality time with the man due to our conflicting work schedules
5. summer has passed, and I have participated in zero fun summer activities with the man
6. inexplicably, my physical therapy seems to have stopped progressing, meaning a new approach will be taken
7. roadblock in terms of special side project
8. lack of friend time and time with the man has been leading to all work and no play
9. rising costs of everything
10. thesis still isn't finished