frustration abundant

I realize that things aren't easy for people. I admit that I've struggled since college. Other people couldn't even go to college for a multitude of reasons, making me one of the privileged with an advanced degree. There are times when I throw myself a pity party about not being happy with the hourly wage that I consider to be a mere pittance. However, I have to realize that many people support their entire family for less than I earn.

So, I might not be fulfilled in my job. I might yearn for something more substantive and less dull. But, there are components of my job that keep me here: sometimes the work is engaging and rewarding, I enjoy my coworkers, and I feel like I might be able to make a difference (once things finally get the blessing of those with higher positions).

I remember how downtrodden I felt when I was looking for a job, there were times when I was upset and felt worthless and that my education had failed me. Those thoughts were fleeting, but they were persistent. A dear friend of mine is having a similar time right now and through my own experience I have found that a swift kick in the ass is required to break out of that slump. As much as I love her, I need her to know that she is not lacking, simply because she receives a couple rejection letters. At 26, your experience cannot possibly add up to that of someone ten years older who has been in the same field for over a decade. The economy cannot support all of the job seekers' needs right now and one needs to be patient, as difficult as that might be.

I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason. That job that looked so great might lead you down a path that diverts you from your intended fate. The job that looks like a dream come true might in reality be the avenue to contemplation of suicide. Be thankful that things happen the way that they do, because, hey...you never know when you are going to look back and see a bunch of dodged bullets in place of those rejection letters.

blinding odor

Judging from the smell, either a sewer main just busted or someone sharted in my office building.

weekend update

I'm still sick, but on the verge of getting "better." As for the state of my relationship with the man...things are phenomenally better. The man is legitimately taking into account how his actions will affect me and has...dare I say...been making good choices. I think the argument has led to some very positive outcomes and I'm really happy that he is making such an effort.

I've been frustrated with work lately due to a number of projects being taken on with not enough staff to complete the tasks at hand. I have become irritated with my boss as a result, despite knowing that he is just doing his job. Unfortunately, it is wearing on my already loose grip on keeping things from falling through the cracks, which is making me somewhat short and less tactful than normal. I think things will pan out eventually. Rather, I hope things will pan out eventually.

Mostly, I'm just happy that the man and I are on the same page again. It is always much better to go home and not want to harm your significant other.

heal

I'm on the mend from my flu/cold. I still don't feel good, but am more able to function as a human being. My weekend is looking to be one of work and waiting. I'll be working on some projects and cleaning the house while I wait for the man to get done with work so that I do not feel as though I should also be working. I have this problem where I feel like I should be working if he is working, that it isn't fair that I relax while he is toiling away the hours. I know that this is horse shit. I can't help it. I've never been one to shirk my duties, and I feel lazy knowing that I'm lounging around or sleeping in while the man is at work and there are a.) things that could be done around the house, or b.) work I could be doing on my projects. This "must work" concept is even less viable when taken into consideration that the man sees it fit to play video games all day on his days off (while I am at work).

So, I would like to say that I will try to be lazy all weekend, though I know I will become stir crazy and clean the bathroom for the third time this week. Perhaps I will get high off the fumes and spend a couple restful hours passed out on the floor. One can only hope.

Oh yeah, one thing I know I won't be doing this weekend is making meth. The bastards at Walgreen's would not allow me to purchase both DayQuil and NyQuil at the same time, because I might make meth. Yes, I'm oozing snot out of my face, sneezing on the counter, and talking like Fran Drescher because I need my 'Quils so that I can make some fucking meth with them. I know that this is a "law" now, but come on. If you are sick and you need to have medicines, do you really want to go to multiple locations, which can be tracked by the system and you could potentially be turned away, or wait until the next day because god forbid you would like to be awake and sleep on the same damned day! The government's attitude of punish the masses for the actions of the few can just suck my ass. Yes, I did just write suck my ass, which I find to be the most despicable saying, but I did so because that is how bad I felt when I was forced to decide between functioning while awake or sleeping without dying. I chose to be a functioning, conscious adult and thus have been forced to deal with the lack of sleep, which has caused the obvious tirade.

sweat hog

Yesterday was a short workday. I left halfway through the day after much prodding from coworkers who likely weren't amused by my constant nose blowing. As a result, I spent most of yesterday in a supine position, hoping that the mucus would run out of my sinuses and straight down my throat, rather than clogging every crevice of my head and cutting off my nasal passageways. This worked only periodically and every time I got up I was met with a dizzy spell and subsequent dam break of liquid coming out of my nose. It was hot.

Today, the pressure in my sinuses is so great that my brain is being cooked to perfection and is only lacking the addition of some potatoes and carrots. I'm at work, though, despite feeling like five kinds of ass. The fever has set in. I'm normally freezing at work, but not today. Today my office is a sauna. A sauna of stagnant virus-filled air. I am torn between keeping my door shut to contain the outbreak, which would increase the temperature, or if I would rather share my illness with the rest of the office in lieu of some much needed cool air circulation. I'm opting to keep the door closed, but not for their benefit. I'm on a somewhat short temper due to the pressure in my noggin and I would rather not hear or see any of my coworkers. I guess this could still be viewed as an off-kilter form of altruism.

Things are still weird with the man, mainly because we are both ill and don't have the energy to make up. We don't even hug each other, we just kind of lean into one another, hoping that we can balance that way without either of us collapsing. This unspoken avoidance, even though it is illness-induced, makes the argument feel as though it is being prolonged. We make a good couple, the man and I. He is busy hacking out his lungs while my nose has become a spigot of nastiness.

mood swings 3: D-Fence!

Well, I brought up the pending issue of "friend time" with the man. All attempts to couch the discussion failed. I asked him to hear me out before going on his guard, but of course, he was defensive from the get go. There were many words put into my mouth and I didn't get around to saying what I wanted to say until approximately three hours after the fight started. There was an interim where I was confused as to what the hell was going on and I had actually begun to think that I had overreacted.

Finally, I remembered and was able to say "I intended just to ask that your friends, who have a lot of free time in comparison to us, would be more understanding of the limited time we actually do have when we can be together. My hope is that they will think before calling and inviting themselves over after having spent the last five days at our house." This statement led to the man's apology for overreacting and not letting me speak my piece before he took things out of context.

In other news: I went to bed at 11PM feeling fine, but woke up at 2:30AM barely able to breathe through my swollen sore throat and due to my burning, congested sinus cavities. It looks like along with an apology, the man has given me a raging early autumn cold. Yay.

mood swings 2

I spoke to the man on my lunch break. Things appear as though they may be better this week in terms of unwanted guests. One can only hope.

His mood was much improved over this morning and I think there may be an opening for an only slightly unpleasant discussion concerning "friend time" this evening. Maybe I'm just annoyed because of the weather. It is cold and rainy, reminding me that summer is over every time I look out the window. It is not a pleasant reminder.

mood swings

I came into work this morning and had the urge to check my horoscope. Many of you know that I do not like to check my horoscope because I have the distinct feeling that it leads to behavior, rather than diagnosing it, but after my mood shifts this weekend, I am looking for answers wherever they may be lurking.

Monday, September 10, 2007
Your emotions have been on a roller coaster ride, although you may attempt to keep them on the ground. Your moods transform faster than you can integrate them now that the Moon is back in your sign. Don't try to restrict your feelings or prevent them from morphing into something new. Just enjoy the rapidly changing landscape as best you can.

This horoscope definitely hit the nail on the head. I've been trying not to have a screaming fit, and that has taken much effort. This morning I wasn't angry anymore, but that has since passed. I am definitely not "enjoying the rapidly changing landscape" of my moods.

The weekend started out alright. The man and I had dinner and hung out for a bit Friday night. Then it went to shit. I went in to work for seven or so hours on Saturday while the man was hanging out with friends. But, then the friends decided to leave for only an hour when I was making dinner and they came back after we had finished eating. Long story short, the man's friends were at the house so much, the longest lapse was ten hours (and that is when we were sleeping). They show up a minimum of five days out of every seven, and it got to the point where I was about ready to move out yesterday.

The only good thing about Sunday was that the Packers won. Hallelujah! Other than that, I was in a bitchy mood and if the man had bothered to ask why I was in a bitchy mood, he would have likely had his balls ripped through his throat. But, oh yeah, it is impossible to ask your girlfriend a question or pay any attention to her whatsoever when you are surrounded by friends 15 hours out of the fucking day.

The man didn't bother to come upstairs until long after I had gone to bed, and when he did he was in a shitty mood himself, so I didn't bother raising the issue. I'm going to hold out on starting a fight until after next weekend since the man's mother will be visiting from Oklahoma for a few days and I'd like to avoid any awkwardness if possible. Plus, I'm giving him a week to get his shit straightened out, grow a fucking backbone, and say no to his stupid friends when they call asking to come over.

Happy fucking Monday.

matchbox twenty

I'm glad that Rob Thomas has decided to forego another solo album for the time being and go back to recording with Matchbox Twenty again. The Rob Thomas I remember from Matchbox Twenty, the one I had a crush on throughout my late teenage years, the one with tousled hair and black eyeliner and a slight bit pudgier.

Their new album is due out October 2. But...it is only "kind of" new. There are six new tracks and eleven "smash hits." This disappoints me to say the least. What the hell, I probably already own all the "smash hits" and I've been waiting for a number of years for new music (and not the pop-ridden crap Rob Thomas is putting out as a solo artist, or the guitar solo cum revival of Santana thing either).

Nevertheless, I am anticipating their new album and am somewhat impressed by the first single. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the new tracks are reminiscent of their earlier music.

things i want for jesus' birthday

Since I was pretty shitty at determining what I wanted for my birthday (which led to the man deciding I had said I wanted a Wii, which is great, except that we're on a wait list because there isn't on in the whole damned county), I've decided to start a Christmas list. I've always thought it odd that we get presents because it is someone else's birthday...but oh well, here it is: (Thank you Jesus.)

• CD: The oh-my-god Matchbox Twenty is back! (will write post about this soon) new cd entitled Exile on Mainstream to be dropped October 2, 2007 - that is, if I can wait until Christmas and not buy one for myself
• Book: Petite Pattern Book - Dots & Stripes by Bnn
• Software: Adobe Photoshop CS2 (I've not heard good things about CS3, so I'd rather wait until they have worked out the kinks - and I don't think anyone would spend $650 on me)
• Personal Care: Philosophy Pure Grace Soap and Water Set (via amazon.com or at Sephora)
• Furniture: Table Mate II (as seen on TV, or available at amazon.com) - I need a good laptop table so I don't bake my legs while using my laptop on the sofa
• Office Supplies: Environmental Friendly Staple-less Stapler - Silver Color (available here)
• Gadgets: Tempo Time Tags (available here) - I'd like to have one to stick to my sleeve when I go for walks and one for my briefcase so I can nonchalantly check the time during meetings

That's all for now. Keep in mind that this post is more for my records than it is for your amusement. Sorry. It's my website, I can be selfish if I want.

e.r. revisited

The man had to take the roommate to the E.R. again last night. This time, unlike last time (supposed food poisoning), was completely of the roommate's own doing. He got into a fight at the bar last night and ended up with a fractured clavicle and a big gash above his eye (all of which were described to me by the man, I do not care to fraternize with people who spend their time brawling). The event begs a few questions:

1. What was the roommate doing at a bar on a Monday night?
2. Who would fight with the roommate, who is approx. 6'5" and 300 lbs.?
3. What idiotic thing did the roommate do that caused the fight (probably hit on someone's girlfriend)?
4. Why didn't the roommate have his friends drive him to the E.R.? They drove him and his car back to the house at 12:45 AM.
5. Why did the roommate assume that the man would be willing to drive his sorry ass to the E.R. at nearly 1:00 in the morning?

I do not care enough to ask these questions, but I think it quite humorous that the roommate (who bounced his rent check again) had enough money to go to the bars seven out of the last ten nights. Quite humorous in the way that you laugh because something is so preposterous that you don't know what other action would be warranted.

older, but perhaps not wiser

I'm old(er). I don't really feel any different, and I believe that is the cause of my woe. I'm beginning to realize that my age and physical attributes will continue to deteriorate despite how young I feel. I'll admit it...I am vain. The thought of 30 strikes me as horrendous and fills me with despair. I like being in my 20s. I'm somewhat accomplished for being in my 20s, for my 30s, not so much. One can only hope that the next few years bring more highlights than lowlights so that I can add to my vita of "damn, I'm good" things.