I leave today at 1:00 to go to Minnesota, where I will work on my thesis and hopefully make substantial progress toward finishing the first draft. Also, and very important to note, I will be able to spend some time with friends whom I have only seen intermittently since I left college. I am so excited about seeing my friends that this trip is bearable. Without that sunny spot in the trip, the whole thing would feel like hell.
I haven't tried to hide the fact that I hated living in St. Cloud, Minnesota. I didn't like the closed-mindedness of the city and, with the exception of my friends and a few coworkers, I was unimpressed by the caliber of people who lived there. That sounds snobby, but it isn't intended to be. I think I just outgrew St. Cloud about a year into my stint there, and going overseas for a semester made all of the issues I had with the location bubble up to the surface. Everything felt suffocating and so small in the grand scheme of things and it bothered me that people were happy with that, happy with staying in a holding pattern and not striving for more. That perspective created one goal for my future: leaving Minnesota for "greener pastures." Part of the reason I am dreading going back is because I haven't done as much as I thought I would have by this time. And the one thing holding me back is the one thing I should've finished before I left. Finishing my thesis will be like shedding a skin that has been suffocating me for the nearly two and a half years since I left Minnesota.
As much as I want to finish my thesis, I am scared to death of failing at it. It is a scary proposition and I've been out of the college mindset for what feels like forever. Damned procrastination, I wish I would have finished this before I ever left, but I couldn't bear to stay any longer than I had to. To be honest, I would rather do so many things other than continue writing this paper. So many things. Anything, actually. That is why it has taken me so damned long. That, and I don't feel like I know what the hell I'm doing half the time.
I understand why people pay others to write their theses for them. If only I weren't broke and didn't have a conscience.
