how to perturb me

• Make me feel guilty for not putting in overtime. Overtime that I won't get paid for. It is not my fault that you are never in the damned office.
• Ask me if I want paper of plastic, and when I say paper, give me plastic anyway.
• Put the silverware in the wrong slots in the drawer. How hard is it to distinguish between a fork and a spoon? I bet they would both hurt if I tried to use them to gouge out your eyes, but their aren't many other similarities.

something to look forward to

I'm excited. There is a new Counting Crows album coming out, Saturday Nights and Sunday Mornings, on March 25, 2008. Yay! I knew they were releasing a new album, but I thought it was slated for later in the year. I believe I will indulge myself and pre-order it today.

missing...

As it worked out, there was not bad weather (at least not bad enough to warrant the amount of time various weather people spent warning us of the potential storm and telling us to avoid travel because we would likely die if we left the safety of our homes). There was no real storm. They fucked up, plain and simple, and freaked the citizens of southern WI out for no apparent reason other than that weather people feed off the fear and terror of normal people. And they are evil bastards. Anyway, the man had to work (and the dirtbag, piece-of-shit roommate was also gone somewhere) so I had the house to myself, not counting the cat and dog. It was bliss.

Seriously, it was fabulous beyond description. I was able to keep the house clean for multiple hours at a time...make lots of noise without worrying about other people...walk around in various levels of undress without fear of the dickbag roommate appearing in his usual pervertedness...work on projects without the man coming up behind me thinking that I look cute while concentrating and trying to get randy. It was like living alone again.

Oh, how I sometimes yearn for the years I spent living alone before I became we. No people unless I wanted people. The whole bed to myself. All of it. And I didn't have to worry about maneuvering through a mountain of dirty clothes to get to the bedroom door. There were bags of chips that didn't disappear mere hours after they were brought home (unless I, myself, made them disappear). Yes, I was lonely at times, but it was wonderful. I was carefree.

The man knows that I sometimes miss living alone; I think he does, too. It has been longer since he lived alone than I, so I imagine that he has nearly forgotten the luxury of having his own place. We have our own areas, places where the other doesn't venture often, that give us some semblance of privacy...but it isn't the same. I have come to the conclusion that you have to love someone so much that you are willing to go through the rest of your life without experiencing the nirvana that is living alone. Or, you have to be stubborn to the point that you will not admit that you would rather live by yourself. One or the other, I imagine.

For as much as I miss living on my own, though, I don't think I would want to live apart from the man. This bothers me. It makes me feel old. I wonder if this feeling ever goes away, the fear of being adult...the fear of having to say goodbye to your youth to embrace the future? I'm not sure I want to know.

personal day

I'm going to be taking a personal day off from work tomorrow. It isn't really for "personal" reasons. I am taking the day off because I don't want to worry about traveling on the dangerous roads as we receive upwards of 8 inches of snow, sleet, and ice over the next day. Yes, I'm taking the day off due to weather. No, it doesn't make me happy. I'd much rather be taking the day off to do fun and exciting vacation-type things. I don't think I've taken more than two days off from work for things like that ever. I need to get a life.

The good thing is that because of the nature of his job, the man will be home as well (due to inclement weather). If I'm going to be housebound, I'm glad that he'll be stuck at home with me.

the end

I'm done with work. I'm officially off the clock for the week. It is a grand feeling. A freeing feeling. This week has felt as though it would never end. But it has. And, it is sunny outside. I dare to say that it even looks like it will not kill be to spend more time outdoors than what it takes to get from the car to the building. Perhaps I will take the mongrel-beast-animal named Jammer out for a walk when I get home. Or, I will stand on the porch, basking in the sun while she runs crazily around the yard.

For as much as I hate long weeks, I love them for the simple fact that I feel so unbelievably happy when they are over. The kind of happiness that you felt as a child when summer vacation came...but this is better because it happens on a weekly basis. A horrible work week is not like some awful things are, the things that when I am finished, I look back and think "that wasn't so bad." A bad work weeks is different because...it is that bad. And I am glad that it is over. Really glad. Genuinely glad. So glad that I want to rip my shirt off and run around jumping for joy as though I had just won the World Cup. But I won't celebrate like that because it would be awkward and uncomfortable. What I will do is start what has the possibility of turning out to be an awful work week on Monday.

In the meantime, I will enjoy the reprieve that is the weekend. I hope you do the same.

neither rain, nor sleet, nor gloom of night...

I just bought stamps online. It is the best thing since the invention of sex. You go to the USPS site, find the stamps you want, pay online, then wait for them to show up in the mail (free shipping). I don't know why I didn't know about this sooner. It is amazing. No waiting in line. No grumpy postal workers. No hours of operation that you can't possibly abide by. I'm hooked. Thank you USPS.

invigorated

I'm going to be painting the office this weekend. For real. I've decided that I need to make an area for myself that is both aesthetically appealing and conducive to work. While I was hoping to wait until spring, I now realize that in terms of my timeline for thesis completion, I'm going to have to schedule time daily and/or weekly to reach my deadline. If I'm going to be spending all of this time working, I'd like to work in a home office that is serene and not stark white with random shit stored here and there.

While these tasks are already making me weary, I know that it is time to buckle down and pull my head out of my ass. I have a new coworker with a background in rhetoric who has been monumentally useful in jumpstarting my project. She allows me to bounce ideas off of her and offers criticism in such a way that I am left to ponder a solution, rather than leaving me irritable and hurt. Best of all, we can converse face-to-face. I think one of my major problems was the divide left by communication via e-mail and phone.

I think I'm actually making progress. Her arrival not only cut my workload back to manageable proportions, but also gives me a "mentor," so to speak.

letter to netflix

Dear Netflix,

I thoroughly enjoy your movie delivery service. I signed up for membership two years ago, and in the months since I have saved both money and time. I also have taken advantage of your discounted movie prices and have purchased a number of my favorites for significantly less than I could elsewhere. I thank you for that. You have suggested a number of movies that have been added to my all-time favorite list. You have also suggested a number of awful movies that have prompted my boyfriend to threaten never to watch a movie I have selected again. (What makes you think I'd be into sex-mongers and crackheads? I get a couple independent films and now you can't get your mind out of the gutter...shame on you.) I will forgive you for that because you are not human, and therefore even more fallible in my opinion. If you were human, I would light a bag of dog shit on fire on your doormat for each craptastic movie you have sent my way. But, you are not, so we don't need to go there.

My concern is that you only seem to care about the new customer. Why, when I go to your site to check on my queue, is the "Member Sign In" button relegated to the upper left hand corner while the new member option is the whole damned page? Isn't my money good enough for you? Why do you have to treat me like the red-headed stepchild sent to the corner when I never did anything wrong? I am assuming it is because you are a money-hungry bitch and that once a customer signs their contract they are out of your mind. You are like a shark, lusting for the new kill and instantly forgetting the previous meal. You ask me to rate the quality of your service, pretending to care about my opinion, yet every time I open the site I'm sent back to the fucking corner.

Again, thank you for your quick turnaround time and otherwise stellar performance. Please move the damned button to a more prominent place on your screen. On second thought, the ding-dong-ditch dog shit thing might not be such a bad idea.

Sincerely,
Trish T.

working for the presidents

Today is Wisconsin's primary election. I must admit that I am a bit torn. Philosophically, I believe a woman is capable of being president, I believe a woman should be president...unfortunately, I'm not so sure that this woman should be president. I'm wavering between Obama and Clinton.

I guess I can say that I want hope. And I want a payoff. I don't want empty promises that aren't delivered. I want change. Yes, Clinton is best set to hit the ground running. But there are some issues that I can't back (e.g. mandated health care). Obama is inspirational and ignites passion in the voters. It is a hard choice.

Also, my decision will be somewhat based on money. I know what I want. The presidents are supposed to work for us, yet we are all working for the presidents (aka figures on the dollars we earn). Our hard-earned money is being used by the very people who should be working for us. Our nation is built on the idea that the government should fear its people, not the other way around. Right now we are stuck with a president who has tripled (yes, tripled) our national deficit during his two terms in office and we are on the heels of recession. I don't see how any of that is in our best interests.

Along that vein, in my research I have found more comfort in Obama's plan to stimulate the economy and help the middle class. His policies seem tangible, while I have found Clinton's to lack substance. Both have the same end goal, but their approaches are different.

Clinton has run a very negative campaign. She uses rhetoric spouting "I," "I," "I." Obama offers hope to the American people and uses "you," and "we" in his speeches, knowing that he is working for us. As there isn't much difference between the end goals of their respective policies, I'm afraid that I have to err on the side of character and choose Obama. I have until 5:00 this evening (when I hit the polls) to make my final decision. I'm sure I'll be waffling until then.

Of course, you may not agree. Hell, I may not agree. I'll just have to wait to see how many times my mind changes before 5:00 pm.

waiting...

Today has been one of the longest workdays I've had in a long time. My boss was out of the office, of which I wasn't informed. Apparently, him just not showing up is all the notice I get (and I know there has not been any kind of emergency keeping him from the office). Oh well. The projects that need approval will have to wait until next week.

I'm going to go see the movie Juno with a coworker tonight. We have been trying to see it for the past month, but inclement weather has thwarted all attempts at scheduling. I'm quite excited to finally watch it.

Waiting being the theme of the day, it seems that I will also be waiting for new episodes of Pushing Daisies to air, according to a TV Guide listing of when many primetime shows will be airing fresh episodes now that the writers' strike has ended. Alas, it is a long wait until next fall, but if this damned winter ever ends I'll be able to spend my time doing things more worthwhile than sitting on my ass in front of the television.

Thank God...only fifteen more minutes until I leave for the theater.

out from under

Happy Valentine's Day! I love you all from the bottom of the bloody, beating organ in my chest.

I think I'm finally out from under the funk I've been in for the past few weeks. We had a bit of sun yesterday and my spirits totally lifted. I looked out the window in my office and there was a tiny bit of sun peeking out from behind the clouds. I was so excited that you'd think I had just discovered fire. The sun finally made its break for it and was out the rest of the afternoon. Even though we've gone back to the drudgery of the greyness that is winter, I'm still in a good mood from basking in the wonderful sun yesterday.

In observance of the holiday, many of my coworkers have brought in baked goods. I brought in banana-flavored laffy taffy that I took out of the mixed candies I had purchased the man. All of the sugar is helping to keep my spirits up and I don't even like sweets that much.

I hope you all are able to take the opportunity to indulge yourselves today.

housebound

I'm depressed. I need the sun. The vitamins aren't cutting it anymore. I'm so stir crazy that I'm about to burst. I've said it before, but winter is too damned long. I need green grass and flip flops. And the sun! I need weather warmer than 0 degrees. I want to forget what wind chill is. It's only half-way through February and I've been on self-imposed house arrest because of the weather and poor driving conditions for over two months. I go to work, but that doesn't count. I've been spending over an hour and a half in the car every day. This must stop. I miss the days when I could get to work in fifteen minutes.

I'm whining, I know. But come on...we've gotten 80 inches of snow! That's over 6.5 feet! What kind of sick joke is this? My parents live in the "northwoods" and have only gotten half that much. This unprecedented snowfall is making me cranky. Argh!

objection...sustained

I'm afraid I may have angered a few of you with my recent post regarding the love day and diamonds. I honestly am shocked that people feel so strongly about what I had written. For that, I apologize and send a reminder that this blog is only my opinion on things and that I am not prescribing a point-of-view for anyone else. I also apologize for not publishing all comments - some of them hurt my feelings and I responded to them individually. This blog is just me writing about mundane crap and my ideas about life and things less important. Perhaps I should explain in better context why I feel as I do.

In that same vein, it was recently brought to my attention that I likely have clothing or products made by children in sweatshops and that I may have been hasty in spewing the reasons for my distaste for shiny rocks...err diamonds. This is true. I'm not sure where some of my clothing was produced, nor am I sure by whom. But, I will say that in the past two years I have made an effort to purchase handmade products from local vendors and also to purchase "green," environmentally-friendly, and sustainable alternatives. When I do buy objects from unsustainable resources, I try to buy used. I buy produce and select other items from farmers' markets. I seek out local vendors that are not part of franchises. I buy groceries from the local grocery store even though they don't have the best prices, but rather because they are locally owned and operated. I research stores and companies and try to avoid those that test on animals and that make shady references regarding production. I buy American when I can. I do what I can with the budget I have.

I must admit that I have often lived under the mindset that since I won't be spawning, I shouldn't be as concerned about environmental issues/events that will be more serious after I become ashes in the wind. Two things have prompted me to rethink that. The first is that I have a nephew now, and another nephew/niece on the way. Secondly, we've gotten over 79 inches of snow so far this season and that number could rise to as much as 100 by the end of April. That is seriously fucked up and I can't help but believe that our presence on Earth has made it all wonky. I'm not one to stimulate the economy on a regular basis. I buy the things I need when I need them, and little else. But now, I am more conscious of what I buy and what consequence each purchase might have.

I'm not going to spout the bullshit of what you do today will make a better tomorrow. I'm too selfish for that. I am more likely to do what I do today so that I can sleep at night with a clearer conscience. It is a personal choice and I'm not proselytizing. I just don't think I could be happy about my choices if I looked down at my hand and saw a big rock on my finger, knowing that someone may have suffered because of what I perceive as vanity. That doesn't mean I can't be happy for those who do like that kind of thing. Hell, I get giddy when I order office supplies...and I know a lot of people don't understand that. I just don't see the symbolism in that particular stone as others do, and I don't see the value, but I don't chastise them for how they feel either. I agree with the point that an object can remind you that you are loved and I think that is fabulous. I think that can be said about any object, smell, taste, memory. For those that have diamonds and love them, good for you! Seriously. If you have something from someone you love who loves you, then why would I be upset about that? I guess I could be upset if it is a rabbit carcass you hang around your neck...but that's a different topic completely.

And now I will step down from my soapbox.

judgement, flowers, and diamonds

As you may have noticed, my banner has changed to reflect the Valentine's Day holiday. I'm not a big follower of Valentine's Day fanfare, as some of my friends are. I celebrate Valentine's Day for Kristen, because it is her favorite holiday, whether she is single or coupled. Perhaps it is because she is more of a romantic than I. Or it could be her uncontrollable addiction to Brach's candy hearts.

I see it as more of a judgement day than a holiday. I actually found that I liked V-day more when I was single. When you are single, you don't get the invasive questions about what your other is going to do for you on Valentine's Day. People leave you alone, or you get even more goodies from friends because you are single and they don't think you'll be getting any love from anyone else. When you are coupled, people look at your empty work desk and ask probing questions like, "aren't you going to get flowers today?" or make a rude statement like "I guess someone forgot it was Valentine's Day." To be honest, I don't like receiving flowers. They will wilt and die. I don't care for chocolates. I prefer something more sustainable. People don't seem to understand that I would rather receive a potted plant than a flower.

Another V-day staple seems to be jewelry. And most women want diamonds. I don't see what all the fuss is about. pssst...it is a rock...from the ground. (And not to mention that someone in Africa may have been killed or abused when trying to mine the 1 karat stone on your ring finger that your other probably spent a month's salary to give you.) I don't like diamonds. They look like glass. When you really think about it, glass would make more sense than a diamond, given that people often justify the expenditure of diamonds by the symbolic nature of the stone. Diamonds are hard, they last forever. Glass is neither liquid, nor solid and it is easily broken, just like a relationship. Similarly, you can't define a relationship and one wrong move and you may break it forever. Relationships, like glass, take care to maintain. I like that symbolism better than the hard, unchanging diamond.

So, I doubt that Valentine's Day will be anything spectacular. I'm sure it will feel like any other day. I may be odd, but I don't celebrate anniversaries either. To be honest, the man and I don't have an anniversary and don't really know when we officially started dating. I guess all that sentimentality is lost on me.

But, if you still really want to woo me, office supplies may be a better choice.

alone

I'm at work. I'm the only person in the whole building. The only person. There is no one else here. At all. It's perfect. I get the feeling that I would like working completely alone. No interruptions. No idle chatter. No timesucks at all. Just me and my work. I'm definitely savoring this opportunity. I have only been here for 45 minutes and I have already gotten done what would normally take me three to four hours. It's fabulous. I had to come in to open the building for some classes which will start in about 30 minutes, but in the meantime I am alone.

When I really think about it, this is the first time I have been alone in a very, very long time. At home, the roommate is there 85% of the time and the animals are there 100% of the time - so I don't go solo at home ever. Sometimes I really miss having my own place all to myself. I wonder if that will ever go away.

access

I'm online at home right now. Barely. If you can call slow-ass dial-up being online. I've likely mentioned my issues with internet access from home before. Dial-up is our only option because we are the only house on our road and thus are too far from a "hub." Every neighbor we have, every house we can see from our house, they all have high-speed internet. We don't. We are in the stone age of internet connectivity. Our only option other than dial-up is satellite - and even with that the man would be unable to play video games online because of the the 1-2 second lag time. With that being the case, it is hardly justifiable to pay $100 for internet access that doesn't allow us to do what we want. So, instead I have decided to give up and pay $20 per month to wait for pages to load and downloads never to come through.

If I didn't love where we live, the near-privacy, the similarities to where I grew up, this would never work. I am not always at the forefront of technical gadgetry, but I could definitely use something better than 28.8 Kbps. Alas, at least if need be I can now work from home. Argh.

letter to winter 2

Dear Winter,

You are a motherfucking bastard. I write you a little bit of hatemail and you respond by slapping me in the face with your testicles to the tune of over 14 inches of snow, just to show me that you are all-powerful and to humble me while I pick pubes off my cheek. You are an evil, evil season. I was trying to be nice in my last letter, admitting to the grandeur and beauty of your snow...that is over. All that got me was a snowstorm larger than the area has seen since 1990. That is nearly twenty years. You sure are one hateful dickbag.

Insincerely,
Trish T.

first time in a long time

I finished a major project at work today. My project. A project that is utterly and completely of my own design and doing. It has been in progress for the past six months (including time when I was awaiting approvals, etc.). I can't even describe how good it felt to send it out and actually receive heaps of praise. This is a rarity in my job, where most of my time is spent waiting for the "powers that be" to approve things via processes that can take over a year. For the first time in what feels like ages, I will leave work feeling like a success rather than a failure.

when

I have now realized that marriage is likely an imminent event for me. Perhaps it is wrong to use a negatively connotated word like imminent, but that is how I feel - like I have something hanging over my head, and when I least expect it I will be crushed under its weight.

The man and I have settled quite comfortably into our semi-monthly spewing and regurgitation of love words. Not too much, not too little. We talk about the future as though we will always be together, but without any talk of committment in legal sense. Lately, however, I have been getting the feeling that the man is more open to the idea of matrimony. Why, you ask? Because of the pool of cess called Country Music Television. While eating dinner, we were forced to watch the crap that the roommate had chosen to watch (because the dining room and living room are one big room and we have a 40 inch TV). And so it came to be that we were introduced to the horror that is "My Redneck Wedding."

The bride rode in on a tractor. The ENTIRE wedding party wore camouflage. Not just a little camouflage, entire suits made of camouflage. They used taxidermy animals as decorations for their wedding - that they purposely brought to the reception - and served beans as the main course. I'm not one for pomp, but come on...if you are going to go through the trouble of wearing a suit, wear a fucking suit and not a camouflage jumper with a blaze orange hat. The groom gave the bride a pink rifle as a gift.

I thought this was horrible. The man thought it was amusing. He kept making comments like "I'm sure you'll kill me if I do that when we get married," and "You'd better be taking notes, because that that might be a good idea." And then there was the grinning...so much grinning. I am assuming that the grinning was in response to the look of horror on my face as I watched the trainwreck unfolding on the screen.

I am not jumping to conclusions and I fully realize that he may have just been acting stupid, but speaking of matrimony in this way is definitely odd. When I met the man he was the so adverse to marriage that it almost put me off. I would almost go so far as to say that he is bitter in regard to it. Personally, as I have mentioned before, I am not opposed to the option of marriage but I am not ready for it yet. I'd be better off with a very long engagement (think decades) so that I could ease into the marriage thing.

Am I over-analyzing? Perhaps. I won't lose any sleep in anticipation of a proposal, that's for sure. I am in no danger of this event approaching with any speed. It is the mere twinkle that it might be in the future that has triggered a disturbance in my happy little bubble of stability and comfort.

And to think, all this contemplation over a show where the final scene concludes with the groom asking the bride "Are you excited to go back to the hotel so we can constipate the marriage?"

how to elate me...

• offer to lock up the building so that I can leave on time and not have to worry about kicking out stragglers.
• get the mail without me calling to remind you that my contacts will be arriving and will freeze if left in the mailbox. (whew!)
• remind me that it is the first of the month and that I can finally change my lovely calendar to the next sheet.

how to perturb me...

• only scrape the snow and ice off of the windshield and front windows of your car, completely forgetting how you are a dumbass and may need to SEE BEHIND YOU. This makes you lazy, stupid, and dangerous.
• show up to work six hours after you should've been there and then give me a nasty look when I leave for the day (after having been at work for 8 hours).
• have the day off from work (make that the last 5 days off from work) and then ask me what is for dinner when I get home from the office.
• get your degree in meteorology, work for a major news station, and then when you explain the weather, use question marks behind what should be statements: Windy with a chance of flurries?...1-2" of snow?...Sunny?