old as shit?

I'm 30 today.

This is what I got via text from my brother (age 33).

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Now you're old as shit like the rest of us...

So kind.

99 problems

Hi. I'm not dead. This past six months have been a whirlwind to say the least and I kind of forgot that I occasionally write on a blog. At times it has felt as though nothing was going the way it should, that I was the punchline of some sick cosmic joke. I will not go into details, because I'm just plain sick of all of this. I am tired of being exhausted, overwhelmed, and anxious about what is coming next. I'll simply say that things have been difficult both personally and professionally for me and the man. I am getting through it. He is getting through it. We are getting through it. Together. Which is where I'm glad to be. I would like for things to be easier for us (in terms of health, wealth, and familial obligation), but being together is something.

I am thankful for my friends, family, all of the voluntary members of my support system. You are fabulous. I appreciate those who have reached out to me, wondering once again why I have dropped off the grid. I'll be responding as soon as I feel like I have my head far enough above water to carry on a complete conversation without spewing anger at my situation. Anger, I've found, is an even uglier bitch than revenge. And she's pretty fucking ugly.

There are so many things I can look at and think "I'm so lucky." Work is very stressful, but I'm doing quite well here (despite the common problems one faces at work). My family is healthy. The man and I are in love. But there are also a lot of unknowns right now that, for lack of a better word, really suck.

I'm coping. I'm coping better this week than the last. I have new found perspective. Perhaps that is the wisdom that comes with age. The knowledge that being an adult is hard. The understanding that this too shall pass.

I turn 30 tomorrow. August 30. Golden birthday. With the price of gold these days, I wish there was some sort of "Cash for Gold-en birthdays" thing going on. There isn't. As you may have guessed, my "thirty before 30" list has not been a priority these past few months. I'm getting better at cutting myself some slack, so an arbitrary goal list like that is the least of my worries right now. I give myself a big pat on the back for coming to that realization and for not putting undue pressure on myself. Look at me, I'm growing despite my type A tendencies!

In fact, I don't really even care about turning 30, except that it means I've over-worked and over-stressed away the summer. I'm focusing on the positives. This is a new decade in my life. Things really aren't so bad. I'm going to live it up and try to be positive about the things to come. I'm sick of fear of the unknown. I'm tired of being lulled into inaction because the thought of more negative consequences is staggering. Things will get better.

While my "problems" are still overwhelming and I have yet to satiate whatever/whomever is in charge of this segment of my life, I have faith that karma will be equally unrelenting when the good that I've been trying to put out into the universe finally comes back around to shoot rainbows and sunshine and sparkle dust in my direction.

In the meantime, I've got 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one.



This Hugo cover of Jay-Z's "99 Problems" has been in my head for two days and it is actually the impetus behind this post. Video isn't my fave, but the song is great. Maybe just listen and don't watch. You're welcome.