bipeds vs. quadrapeds

Orpheus (my beta fish) is the only pet in the household right now whom I don't have ill feelings toward. I love Orpheus and he has been a good fish (though it was heatbreaking to lose his predecessor, Homer, I have grown to love Orpheus as well).

The two quadrapeds are a different story. Jammer has found and rolled in something that smells like putrid rotten fish and Jack is hell-bent on destruction. Jammer stinks, but at least that can be easily remedied by a bath (which will be administered tonight). Jack, however, is losing his kitten teeth and as each one falls out he is also losing all sense of right and wrong. We have a spray bottle to keep his behavior in check, but lately it hasn't been working and he just ends up dripping wet.

Things Jack likes to climb:
  • legs (of tables, chairs and humans)
  • Jammer
  • the back of the sofa (and the side, and the front)
  • curtains
  • surround sound speakers
  • trim (the trim around the door/window - oh yes, he can climb thin pieces of wood nailed against the wall)
  • the edges of the bed
  • any vertical or semi-vertical object

Things Jack likes to bite:

  • hands
  • feet
  • arms
  • legs
  • ankles
  • dogs
  • himself
  • blankets
  • furniture
  • clothing
  • books
  • anything he can fit into his mouth

Things Jack likes to scratch:

...see above lists...

Jack no longer sleeps. He eats and grows and bites and scratches and runs and runs and, oh, did I say he runs?

If this isn't a phase I will have to quit my job to keep a close eye on him and open a creepy sideshow where wild creatures are kept as "pets." I will be forced to make a living by standing in the street and peddling the show by calling "Step right up ladies and gentlemen...come see the ferocious, man-eating dingo/bobcat...but don't get too close, my friends, he has been known to rip off limbs faster than you could bat an eyelash and once he gets a taste for blood, we will all be doomed! Oh yeah, we have a stinky-ass dog, too."

If this is a phase I'm sure I will look back at it and try to remember what it had been like when I still had all my fingers and toes.

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