The neighbors have a sign in their front yard that reads "FREE KITTENS" in 3-foot tall lettering. The man and I, upon seeing this sign, have contemplated sneaking Jack into their litter of kittens and walking away (though I am sure he is three times the size and 5.3 billion times more havoc-wreaking). I love Jack, I really do, but he is being naughtier than usual lately and the man and I have not been getting proper sleep as a result.

I have suggested selling Jack on the black market, thinking that a bobcat/dingo hybrid would fetch a pretty penny, but have the sneaking suspicion that I am far too attached to him already. Because I can't bear to be rid of the little beast I am writing a complaint letter to his creator.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I am writing in regards to the good Samaritan act of kindness that the man and I performed by rescuing a stray kitten from a roadside ditch Sunday, May 14, 2006. As you are aware, having placed "Cat Named Jack" on that roadside with gunked-shut eyes, teetering dangerously close to the flow of traffic, this creature has some markedly obvious behavioral problems likely resulting from improper manufacturing practices. "Cat Named Jack" worked properly for approximately two weeks before signs of faulty construction became apparent. Below is a detailed list of the deficiencies of "Cat Named Jack":
  • Inability to remain still for more than 2.6 seconds.
  • Propensity to scratch and/or climb any vertical or semi-vertical object within or out of reach.
  • Acute sense of right and wrong with inability to adhere to "right" behaviors.
  • Hypersensitivity to movement and subsequent need to attack said moving object.
  • Teeth are too sharp.
  • Claws are too sharp.
  • Does not land on feet.
  • Broken food gauge = goes through one bag of kitten chow in less than two weeks.
  • Sleep mode is faulty = wakes up after minimal down time.
  • Reacts to the man's testosterone levels and, subsequently, is overly hyperactive in the man's presence.
  • Male features are still intact - will need to be removed. Has already required servicing amounting to $125 and is due for additional maintenance in the form of distemper and rabies vaccinations.
  • Overly cute. His cuteness may be hazardous to humans.
If you do nothing, I fear that "Cat Named Jack" will continue to show signs of disfunctionality. This is not an acceptable solution. In my opinion, your overall Godliness has a good reputation, and I trust that you will want to keep a customer happy. I see two options:
  1. Reprogram "Cat Named Jack," at no charge to me.
  2. Pay for behavioral training. If this resolves the problem without causing us any additional undue pain and suffering, the man and I will be satisfied.

If I haven't witnessed any change in behavior by Monday, I'll write again to follow up or may take up the matter with the Son or the Holy Spirit.


The Dish

P.S. If I have misdirected this letter and it should be going to your Southern counterpart, please forward.

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