limerick

There once was a woman named Trish.
Dead roommates were her only wish.
Rather than them stopping breathing,
She's settling for them leaving
and that is something she will truly relish.

Well, I haven't posted about the horrors of home for fear that by some horribly slight chance, one of the worthless dickbag roommates (two of the three fall into this category, the other does not) would happen across this blog and miraculously learn to read something other than the back of a pack of Marlboro's and make my home life even more miserable than they had previously. By worthless dickbags, I mean the roommate and his live-in girlfriend who pretends not to live with us so that they can get by with paying very little rent and even fewer utilities (I can count the times they have actually chipped in for utilities on two fingers). Oh yeah, and they've lived there since the man moved in over two years ago - approximately 8 months before I moved in.

Their contributions to the household are as follows:
- occupying three parking spaces in the driveway (one of which is in the garage)
- occasional purchase of toilet paper
- leaving dirty dishes in the sink and refusing to wash said dishes
- smoking in their bedroom, despite the man's rule that smoking is not allowed in the house
- slamming doors at all hours of the day and night
- leaving trash in the upstairs hallway
- throwing cigarette butts off the balcony into the flowerbeds
- refusing to clean the bathroom (leaving me to clean up their nasty pubes, trust me...I know what I'm sporting and that those aren't my short and curlies or the man's)
- failure to operate an electric toothbrush without leaving the bathroom bespeckled with their likely herpes-stricken Colgate foam
- abuse of the Cat Named Jack to the point that he must remain in our bedroom and that he hisses whenever he hears one of them speak, despite the fact that he is on the other side of at least one wall
- leaving their rice cooker half-full of cooked rice...and then waiting until said rice grows fungus the color of a Gay Pride parade banner and then shrugging when asked why they haven't cleaned it
- doing a minimum of 13 loads of laundry per week, laundry that (when wet) smells like ten kinds of raunchy, putrid ass...and then leaving said laundry to occupy the washer and/or dryer for days at a time (and we are afraid to touch this laundry as no one in their right mind wants that stench to come into contact with one's flesh)
- fighting about everything and anything at the drop of a hat in the hallway, in the bedroom, on the balcony...wherever and yelling obscenities foul enough to make Andrew Dice Clay blush

I would continue, but I'm getting exhausted. And...ta da! They are finally moving out. It came to the point that I had decided to move out in the upcoming months if they weren't gone. I even went so for as to look at apartments for me and my feline and fish friends. Unfortunately, it went on so long because the roommate owed the man so much money, that he was afraid to kick him out as that would result in nonpayment of many, many monies.

But, like I said, it is finally over as they will be vacating the premises in the next month. They will not be replaced, which means the man and I are one step closer to living like adults. At least now we have more of a housemate than a roommate. To be honest, I think having one roommate is a good thing, not only fiscally: the man and I are both friends with the roommate and it is easier to cook for three than two (and he is a good cook).

Anyway, ding dong the dickbags are almost gone.