feb. 12, 2006: can you "turn over a new leaf" if the trees are bare?

Well, I am newly employed after many years of schooldom. So far it is going well, just pretty busy for the first week and one-half. I am not complaining though because the job search was not something that I would like to repeat anytime in the near (or distant) future. I am now in the "real" world and it sucks even worse than the "unreal" world at times. I am deciding to try to be less cynical and it is nearly killing me (see, I obviously suck at being optimistic). Let's just say that I have yet to find any rose-tinted glasses that fit me and that the glasses that I do find are always half empty (is that a mixture of cliches?).

I am still homeless. I am not so sure about the whole permanent (or semi-permanent) dismissal of all independence-minded feelings for the purpose of cohabitation. It is not the man that is holding me back from the decision, but rather the man's two roommates that would make the penis-wielding:female ratio go from 1:1 to 3:1 (I guess that if I were to count the dog it would be 3:2, but she also licks her naughties as I imagine the menfolk would if they were able, thus rendering her exempt from the man:woman ratio). I like the man's roommates, but as they are men, they are selfish and dirty by nature. I liked/loved living alone (with my fish), but now I am faced with the prospect of either (a.) never seeing the man and moving into an apartment, (b.) moving in with the man and chancing that we will break up and I will be out on my ear, or (c.) happily living with the man and the other men and turning into one of the Stepford wives. I suppose that I could move in and everything could be fabulous, but the way that I am feeling today would make me think twice about that notion. The long and short of it is that I need my own space within the house and the man is not making any kind of headway in acquiring said desired space (even though it exists and is not currently being used by any of the penis-wielding members of the household).

This indecision has nothing to do with my feelings for the man. In fact, the amount of time I will be putting in at work plus the stress that that work would cause are bound to affect my personality and I do not want to "take out" anything on the man that he wouldn't deserve. Unfortunately, because of my now-hectic schedule, I have only been able to spend a minimal amount of time with the man since I have been employed (as opposed to spending nearly every waking and sleeping minute with him for over a month). I am not taking the separation well and see it as the end-all of the relationship. Perhaps that is a tad bit melodramatic.
Yet another reason for my uncertainty is that the man and I do not take steps in the correct order. For example, he asked me to move in before we ever had the exclusivity/boy(girl)friend discussion. Now that the move-in is more likely to happen, there are still some steps in our relationship that we are hopscotching over. I am not a spontaneous leaper and this is making me uncomfortable.

Here comes the "new leaf." I am not going to micro-manage my relationship despite my intense desire to make it fit into what I want, when I want. I have been pretty good at going with the flow lately, but that was when the flow was going the way I wanted it to. Now I feel as though I have relocated to Australia and the flow is now reversed sending everything in a backwards spiral down the shitter. I guess I'm going to just have to learn to speak with an accent.

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